Question for bisexuals?

It's hard not to take offense when so many harmful stereotypes are present. You might not have the intention of pissing anyone off, but a lot of these misconceptions are the very ones many bisexuals struggle to overcome. Though, given the history the label has with closeted and in-denial gay men, I can see why you'd associate the labels and be weary of those who call themselves bisexual, as an openly gay man.

Anyway, speaking for myself, if I'm in a relationship with someone, my eyes won't wander far. If they do, there's something seriously lacking. I can appreciate attractiveness in others, but won't entertain thoughts unless the relationship I'm in has gone way downhill for any number of reasons. Sure, sexuality fluctuates, but that doesn't mean we're going to let our sex drives and impulses dictate our actions, or else monogamy wouldn't exist for anyone.

It's no different than a gay man who is attracted to many different types of men: young/old, black/white, slim/fat. They're probably not going to run off with the first guy outside the LTR they feel any attraction towards, and bisexuals should be seen in a similar vein. Every partnership is different: some allow more relaxed rules, while others are more set in stone from the beginning. For instance, my female ex said I was allowed to mess around with men, just not get emotionally involved, which I thought was a bit hypocritical and silly.

How would I manage? The same way anyone else would. I didn't hide my same-sex attractions from my exes, but at the same time didn't suffer "wandering eyes" syndrome until after we broke up, for reasons other than sexuality. Man, woman, or something else, if it works, it works. Really, I like to think every relationship is doomed to fail until one doesn't! If you see a recurring pattern in your relationships, though, I'd start worrying.

 

Hi Skiff,

First, I'm not offended, because (a) your views aren't much different from those of much of society...so our society teaches you to feel this way; and (b) you're asking for additional insight, rather than making blanket claims and insisting that things are this way. I always support a search for information and understanding.

Simply put, I think that you'll find at least as much variation among bisexuals as you will among gay men (or any other group of people for that matter).

There's a stereotype that gay men are promiscuous, because many *are*. There's a stereotype that bisexuals aren't capable of (or open to) commitment, because many *aren't*. But neither stereotype is universal or fair.

As a bisexual woman, I have been in a relationship with my (female) partner for nearly 27 years now. She and I both identify as bisexual, and especially as we've gotten older, we can *really* miss sexual contact with men.

I do think that in any long-term monogamous relationship, issues can arise with expecting one person to meet all our sexual needs for the rest of our life...I'm not convinced humans are really cut out for long-term monogamy. It's little to do with bisexuality...my eyes have wandered to both men and women. But they've also always returned. Straight and gay people have the same issues, and frequently those issues result in a partnership ending. My partner and I have such a strong bond that I could not imagine not being committed to her...if I experience another, I want her to be *part* of it; I do not want it to be behind her back.

To me, that does not suggest lack of emotional availability...it suggests heighted emotional availability. But you decide. We've been happy together for 27 years...how many couples these days make it this far?

 

gravechild and biAnnika made some excellent points and I can't think of anything general to add now.

I'm bi (technically -- I don't really like the label) and I've been in a LTR for 15 years. That's after some attempts at LTR with both sexes (few years each). The reasons for the past relationships not working had nothing to do with orientation, fidelity, or ability to commit (at least not on my part).

 

I am a bi woman and the same walls apply to me. A lot of bi-women are bi-curious, and therefore, not really available for a long term relationship. And a lot are happily married and just want some 'spice'. Again, not available for a committed relationship. Some want the three-some relationship, and I have heard of many of them that are long term and very committed with all parties being completely satisfied. But that is not my thing. I consider myself bi because I am not repulsed by being with men and sexually I can be completely satisfied by them. However, I find that emotionally, I find that I give my heart and soul to women-as well as being satisfied physically. I consider myself bi because I have not completely conceded that I will not find a male as both my physical and emotional soul mate. Now, that being said, lesbians do not like to be matched with bi females. If I have a female partner I could leave her for a male or a female. But lesbians find it much worse to be left for a male..maybe feeling that they cannot compete with a male??? I don't really like labels. But there would be many more options for me if I said I was lesbian rather than bi. So, to use you as an example...if your lover left you for a woman would it make you feel worse than if he left you for another guy? Again, if he left you for a woman would you feel as if you never really had a chance anyway?? I don't know the answers. I just know that I am what I am.

---------- Post added 16th Jul 2013 at 02:18 PM ----------

I have heard it said that claiming to be bisexual is the inability-or lack of courage-to choose your real identity of homosexuality. For myself, I honestly don't think this is the case. Also, I'm not sure that any relationship can be a 100% match. So, I think its important to choose a partner that's not gonna run every time things don't go their way. I don't think its the label that's important, but the integrity of the partner. In other words, if you have to be afraid that if you piss off your partner, or gain a few pounds they will go running to the opposite sex-or go running period-its just not the right partner for you.

 

Here's how I see my attraction. I'm ot so much always "wanting" both sexes, but I'm "open" to a relationship with them. I more so am attracted to the person, rather than the body. In women, I admire the beauty and gracefulness, in men, I admire the strong physique. This does not mean I have to have both. There are bisexuals that just like sex and the physical side of a relationship, yes, but there are also gays or straights that sleep around too. So we aren't "promiscuous" just because we're bi.

I also want to add, at least in my case, I tend to let my sexuality flow towards the direction of the person I'm emotionally attracted to. For example, I'm currently in love with a guy. So, I will basically classify myself as homosexual due to the fact that since he's on my mind in an emotional standpoint, he is also there in the physical values as well... Does that make sense? I say this to let you know that there isn't much of a "competition of the sexes" after a bisexual has fallen for you, although there may be one when we are single and looking for a partner. But once again, I speak for my case, and I'm generally a very loyal and honest person in the first place, so it may be different for others.

Hope I helped out

 

Bottom line, bisexuality doesn't equal emotional unavailability. But it doesn't equal emotional availability either.
I suggest you change your base rules to:
No closeted gays
No married men
Only openly gay men or bisexual men whom I had a talk with

The talk: simply ask the guy what they mean by bisexual, and how does their sexual orientation reflects in their long term relationships.

You will understand very quick, by the maturity of the answers you'll get, if the bisexuality might get in the way or not.


All and all, it may very well not affect anything at all for you. There are plenty of bisexual men out there who are looking for that one long term relationship and who will not lay eyes (or miss) anybody else (or either gender). It would be a shame if you passed up the right guy for you because he's bisexual, no?

 

Just ask him. Tell him that you're quite interested in "(whatever interests you about him here)", but your cautious about dating a bisexual. Ask him what bisexuality means for him, and how he has or will act in a LTR. If he is indeed secure with his bisexuality and has the correct values, he'll give you an answer that more than likely will correspond with the ones you received on this thread.

 

I agree with PurpleCrab before me. Being bisexual does not mean you are a flake or unreliable. ..

 

I think what your inquiry boils down to is that you are trying to seek security and a guarantee of long term commitment from a partner, so you want to whittle away at some higher risk categories of potential partners. Security and guarantees are something we all desire. I am bisexual and it is something I contend with with as well. But here's the thing, there are no guarantees in relationships or life in general. Relationships are fluid growing and evolving things. When relationships fail it is usually due to the fact that one member in the partnership didn't live up to the tightly held expectations and relationship narrative that the other partner created with regard to them. If we can hold our relationships lightly, be honest and open, communicate our fears, needs, and expectations then there is less tension and less risk of abandonment and failure. Bisexuals are no different than heteros, gays, trans, etc. with regard to this.

Here's the other thing, we really only have the present moment with which to experience life. Everything else is simply constructed narratives — either about the future that may or most likely not happen, or the past, which can't be changed. Try and live more in the moment with regard to your relationships. Listen more with your heart (and I am not talking about some romantic construct, but more of an intuitive guide) and spend less time in your head — where we all spend way too much time creating false realities.

I believe it is the Taoist that have a saying that there are really only two emotions — love and fear. Try to choose love more often and fear less often. Why close doors out of fear when you can open them out of love and something truly extraordinary may walk through. Everything will be as it should be, it can't help but be that way.

 

In my previous post, I was referring to your "How would I evaluate that" statement. :icon_wink

And I really like as well as agree with bipossible's comment on the Taoist.

 

You're welcome, skiff :thewave:

 

That is a difficult question you ask especially for me. I am gay but as I have said I am married long term to a woman and after all of this time I refuse to put her out to pasture so to say. She knows I am gay and understands and has a dont ask don't tell attitude. I associate only with bisexual men though my heart longs for a man in my life I know it wil not happen. The reason for bisexuals is that they or the ones I allow myself to see are all also married. Being closeted bisexuals are not about to out me nor will I out them we both have too much to lose. Now I have been with bisexual men In a secret relationship for some time and it has been very fulfilling maybe love a couple of times. Right now I am seeking that special guy.
I guess what I am saying is that bisexuals are very capable of love for their man and a loving long term relationship. I know some will not agree with me and I am truly sorry but that is how I must live my life. Maybe the next one will find me better off who knows .
I hope I have added a little understanding to bisexual men. Whyme10 :icon_bigg

 

My sexuality has shifted back and forth, back and forth, and yes it can be very frustrating, however, when my sexuality shifts, as it has recently to where I find myself desiring women over men, where I in a relationship with a man, I don't feel it would affect my feelings about the person I was with, as I'm not really into what's in your pants, it's whats in your heart and mind that matters to me, so yes, the bias against bisexuals does bother and offend me, but I can see why people have developed it. I only wish people would take the time to understand and learn more about bisexuality...

 

This is something that differs for all people, regardless of sexual orientation. Also, people's emphases can change. It can go from the physical aspect to the emotional, or some mix of the two. However, a relationship is not a guarantee of anything, in many cases. If you've got rules or deal breakers, you're entitled to have them.