Firstly I am not sure if I actually qualify as later in life but am basically taking this to mean coming out post teens so hope I have that right. Anyway here is my (hopefully not too long) story. I am a 28 year old female who has just come out of a 9 year monogamous relationship with a man, so practically my entire adult life so far. While I will continue to love him the relationship had not been right for years so ending it was absolutely the right thing to do. The problems were not because I didn't find him attractive though and I am pretty sure I am still attracted to men. However, here is where things get a bit more confusing. Around a year ago I started working with a women and fell in (what feels like) love. For a long time I would spend every waking moment thinking about her to a stage it got absolutely ridiculous. And yes many of these thoughts were sexual in nature. Sadly she is straight (and in a LTR) so I can't explore these feelings any further. However, it did make me think how over the years I have been attracted to other women, although none to this extent. As a teenager I would kiss other girls in clubs but never actually go any further seeing as I always identified myself as being straight. Recently I find myself fantasising about women more and more. If I could I would get with this women I work with but sadly I know that can never happen. However, I feel like I need to be with a women to know how true my feelings actually are. Luckily I have very supportive friends and have been able to share my confusion with them and the general consensus is just that I 'go for it' and find a women. I also have no qualms about coming out to my parents should I indeed get a girlfriend. My younger sister (18) is openly gay and my parents have been fantastically supportive about this so I am in a good position. My problem centres on the fact that I don't know what the hell to do about it. My friends are all straight and besides my sister and her girlfriend (who are both significantly younger than me) I don't know anybody who could introduce me to anyone. While my friends have offered to take me to a gay club I feel massively out of my depth and am fearful that I will just look stupid. Internet dating poses similar problems as I don't really think anybody will want to have to deal with a 28 year old who has never been with a women before. I can't shake these feelings and I know the only way to know for sure is to meet a women but this just seems like an impossible task. However, I don't want to regret things and still be this confused in 10 years time... Has anybody been in a similar position or can offer guidance? All will be much appreciated xx
Hi and welcome, although I haven't been in a relationship I can hopefully give you some guidance. Support is key number one and it sounds like you have such a fantastic group of people around you which is a really good start, talking about it is the way forward and you may be so nervous which is totally natural as everyone is when they tell people of their sexuality, but it really will help you instead of keeping it in which can be so damaging. Also personal acceptance is important and it's only when you feel confident of your sexuality will you find that the time is right to approach people and start telling them, try and feel proud of who you are, join in the forums here and you will find that the more you talk about it then the more confidence you will gain. Never feel alone as people fear this as well in case they will be rejected after coming out, you will always have the support of EC at hand and make plenty of friends along the way. Try and be strong, don't feel rushed in telling people, do it in your own time when you are ready and you will find that things will be easier and you will be much happier.
Does your sister know anyone in their early 20s, in between your ages? The first out lesbians I reached out to are 46, 50, and 55 - and I'm 38. I know them from church. The age difference is less important than just having someone to talk to. Also, I felt embarrassed about coming out at age 38. So old! But 2 of those friends also came out "later in life" - one, like me, after divorcing a man. That immediately made me feel better. I had thought these ladies were life long lesbians. So I recommend a progressive church for meeting out lesbians. I am also planning a visit to a local lesbian bar with a friend soon. I don't want to go alone. Concerts are another good place for people watching.
Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm glad you've found us. And sure, 28 is old enough for 'later in life'. We're not too fussy about what gets posted in here. First of all, I'm not sure you need to be with someone to know. It seems to me that it's pretty clear already that you're into women. It isn't necessary to arrive at a specific percentage (i.e. I'm 98% gay). Nobody is 100% straight or gay. We all fall on a continuum. But if you've fantasized about other women and not really about men, then I think you have your answer. Don't sweat this. I'd never been with a man before when I was 35, and yet I had all kinds of takers for sex. (Guys are such horndogs.) But even when it comes to entering into a long term relationship, I know of 'newly out' people who end up with people who have been out their entire lives. It really isn't a factor in most cases. People will want to date you for who you are as a person - taking into consideration all of you. The fact that you've been in a 9 year relationship with a man simply means that you are capable of the give and take that is required to make a long term relationship work. As suggested, church would be a good place. Many large urban centers will have LGBT social groups. (Toronto has one called 'Out and Out'.) See if there's a bowling league or a book club or something that you could join in order to meet other lesbians. Even internet dating can work for some people - so you can certainly give that a try. There could very well be someone else in pretty much the same situation who you might meet. That's how I met my husband - he was also married for 13 years to a woman and had 2 kids and was coming to terms with his orientation. We first met 6 years ago and we have now been married for 2 years! And as I said, we were in our late 30s. So you still have your life ahead of you, and the possibilities are endless!
