I hired a lawyer today. I really hate what this divorce is making us into. I've caught wife lying to me...again. I've realized that I'm hating feeling this awful all the time. I really wish that I could just go somewhere and be me for awhile, to start over all again. But I can't. I'm just tired of my reality right now.
I know exactly where your coming from about to start divorce as-well. Do feel like just getting in car & driving off to nowhere, but reality is it will all still be there when I come back. Life sucks at times hope it gets better.
It's really hard to run away when we are parents. I have sole custody of my 2.5 year old. Working outside the home has been great for me (I recall that you have been a stay at home dad, right?) it gives me adult time and time to be productive despite all the drama in my personal life (this was especially true during the divorce process).
Man can I relate. I will never leave my longtime wife unless she gets the courage to leave me, but I don't think that is going to happen. I often dream of going away for a week or so and just thinking over my circumstances. But it never happens I just go on with life. Sigh oh well. I feel bad for those divorcing I wish all of you the very best.
You can't run away, but you can start building a life that focuses on you and your wants and your needs. You are SO close, just hold on for a little while longer. (*hug*)
The sad thing is I had a fight with my best friend (a woman) yesterday. She said that the only thing my wife is talking to her about is our daughter and finances. And, all I'm focused on is me. Meanwhile, my wife has a $280K a year steady job, the house and both cars in her name. I have $13 in the bank in my name. I've applied for a whole bunch of jobs and and the only thing I've heard back was "no" or nothing at all. My dad has told me that I'm emotional, not really gay, and just screwing up everyone's life. For some strange, masochistic reason, I'm choosing. And they wonder why I don't feel safe and secure. UGh
I went - no, I'm still going through! - the mother of all divorces. Three years and counting. I was completely in denial about my sexuality when it all started, we had discussed my attraction to men as "bi" and nothing I'd ever act on. But then after separation a very close girlfriend found out about this gay side and has steadily encouraged me to find myself, to be true to myself. She was devastated that I harbored these feelings yet insisted on living my life as a straight man. I started therapy with a "gay friendly" phd and have over the course of almost 2 years evolved to gay and transgendered. Three years ago I would have freaked out at the thought and buried myself in the supposed safety of denial. But now I am very content with who I am becoming and the path that my life has taken. I also have two small children and I know that I am a great father to them, better than I ever was when I was married. I am free to be myself and I understand that I can't really love anyone else unless I love myself first. That concept was missing from my life from about age 9 on. Like you I work hard but have no money (I did mention mother of all divorces, right?). I am still mostly closeted and working in a very homophobic career. I long to come out completely but I just don't think it's time yet. However life continues to grow better every day. Keep your chin up, and yes take care of yourself first and the people you love will most certainly reap the rewards. You will make it through this and emerge a much wiser and more content person. Since you can't just go away and start over, seriously consider a good therapist and finding that strong friend who will be there for you when you really need it. This group seems like a great resource as well.
Trust me. I want my dream to be my reality, but I know that it won't happen if I don't do something soon. 4 years. I'll go to college and start over.
I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time, when life gets hard then it would be so nice just to be able to go somewhere to compose our thoughts and deal with our demons. But mostly this is impossible and it's only places like EC that enable us to give support to one another, I think that the phrase "Time is a healer" is correct and when things are going wrong and you are having a tough time then you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that we are all here for support, so don't feel alone
