Hi, I've been reading a few people's stories on this forum and can definitely relate to many parts but then also realising that everyone's journey is a little different. Thought I would share mine and see what people thought. I'm a 43 year old guy who identifies as bisexual, although this doesn't quite cover it. I've been in a straight relationship for just over three years now and its been the best relationship Ive been in, partly because I'm with an amazing person, and partly because I was able to be out with my partner, (and family and close friends) from the beginning. This has made life much easier compared to past relationships. My partner is very supportive of me for who I am, and overall I feel incredibly lucky. The difficult part is that I am definitely not straight and have known this for a long time. I've had sex mostly with women during my life but some with men. I know that I'm more tuned on by the idea of gay sex than straight sex, but at the same time my crushes are always on women, not men. My general pattern in relationships is that things start out well sexually with women but then my desire just seems to wane and because of this I worry that I might be happier in a relationship with a guy. I know things cool off in most relationships, but it still makes me doubt myself. I am getting to a point that my partner and I want to make more of a commitment and plan our lives together, but having these doubts about how I deal with the complexity of who I am makes commitment a bit scary. I want to commit to her feeling secure in who I am. I don't want to pursue sex with guys on the side even if my partner supports this because I think it will complicate the relationship too much. In some ways, I would rather just have friends who are gay or bisexual, because its the support of others that I need now more than sex. Anyway, I suppose I'm wondering if other people are in any situation that is similar and how people have handled this or not. Thanks for reading
Hi, I am gay. That said I have been in long term both long term gay and straight relationships. The problem with the straight relationship was the passion faded and I was living with a best friend I loved very much. In the gay relationship the passion never ended and my partner was my world. Passion (physical or otherwise) did not fade in my gay relationship. The failure of relationship was all on my partner and his closeted status which our time together (15 years) and his lack of dating, and pressure by parents to marry ended it. I would have outed myself or stayed in the closet to be with him. He chose to support the lie of the closet. I ended my straight relationship after 21 years which never achieved the passion of my gay one. Children and duty to children alone kept me in that relationship many extra years. Any of that help?
Hi Skiff, Thanks. Yes, that does help a bit. Can I ask, how were you attracted to your gay partner in the first place. Was it a physical attraction, and were you infatuated with him from the beginning? This is the part I find hard - I don't feel attracted to men beyond fantasizing wanting to sleep with them. I have male friends but have never had attractions to them. Whereas with women I feel the attraction, the butterflies in the stomach and the initial passion. Maybe I'm just a late gay bloomer. Anyway, been keen to hear how you experienced it.
Hi, There were only two guys I truly loved. Both started as friendships that grew into love. The sex did not come until we were "best of friends". I appreciate looking at an attractive guy but I don't lust or fantasize about him. Woman I appreciate but to a lesser degree. So to answer your question I was attracted to my gay partners by their head and heart making them friends first. I do not think I would enjoy a hook-up as a bond of friendship needs to exist prior. My gut senses in your writing you question the bisexual label and you wonder if you are gay but blocked to exploring it fully by your own homophobia? Is that your base issue? You might have seen my thread asking bisexuals if they could commit to a LTR. The answer was they could if the relationship forfilled their emotional/spiritual needs. That if happy in their relationship bisexuals are no more prone to wander than any other group (albeit there are no rules just generalities). As a gay man who considers himself a thinking person I want to be open to any committed relationship be it with a gay or bisexual man, but nobody wants to be hurt. Been there twice and at age 55 I don't want to waste the time or go thru the emotional pain again. Would I do it... Enter a committed relationship with a bisexual guy... Honestly... If my gut said it was committed love I would, but part of me would worry a tad about what I do not fully understand. I am gay I understand gay emotions I have never walked a mile in your shoes. I have never felt full passion for a woman. Wish I could help more. I can only offer my personal gay point of view. One thing I can say... Those men I loved I trusted implicitly. Never doubted them wandering. My issue was always I could give up the closet for them but they could not come to terms with their closet. Hence my rule "no closeted gays". ---------- Post added 18th Jul 2013 at 04:21 AM ---------- I have been thinking some more... I am openly gay now, I won't stand on a hilltop shouting it but if people ask I won't lie. I am online dating with image and on meetup with image and define myself as gay. Something I NEVER would do previously. That said... I was a closeted gay. The men I fell in love with were closeted gays as well. Many here who have been involved with closeted gay men understand the stupid relationship dance they do. Everything is so careful and cautious things move SLOWLY. The closet cannot be put in jeopardy. So obviously two closeted monogamous gay men tend to build friendships first that then grow to love and sex. The primary destructive element is also the closet. That is my experience in 20/20 hindsight. So even though you label yourself bisexual/gay~curious are you doing the careful, cautious dance with men? Keep that in mind.
Well, in answer to your last question, I'm not doing any careful cautious dancing or anything else with men. I'm in a committed relationship with my female partner. Being in a committed relationship is not necessarily the hard part. The hardest part is living with uncertainty of orientation because it's at the core of who we are. You asked the question earlier in your post about whether I'm questioning the bisexual / gay curious label. To be honest, I'm not actually sure what that label means. If it means being able to have sex with men and women, then I'm not questioning it. If it means being able to be in long term relationships with both, then I don't know because I've never been in a LTR with a guy. What I'm questioning is whether I can be in a long term straight or gay relationship. Am I blocked to exploring a gay orientation fully by my own homophobia you ask? Possibly, but I don't think so. I am definitely keen to explore my orientation more, but not by having sex with guys. I'm not interested in whether having sex with guys does it for me. I already know the answer to that one. What I want to explore is whether I can have emotional connections with gay / bi guys and what that might lead to and mean for my current long term relationship. You mentioned that for you the sex didn't happen first, it was the friendship and connection. I have close male friends who I have never wanted to have sex with, but they are all straight. What I'm not sure about is what would happen if I formed a close friendship with a gay/bi guy. I may find what you found in your friendships, or I may just have more friends. Either way, I'll learn more about myself and that's the point really. It's about being at peace with myself and not letting fear set my direction in life. And exploring what life may have to offer. But definitely appreciate your questions and comments Skiff. It does give me a bit to think about, especially in relation to friendships.
Just so you know... I have gay friends that I am not sexually attracted to. It is not that they are in attractive, rather we are simply friends and there are limits. ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2013 at 08:28 AM ---------- I also have friends I am attracted to sexually but I do not act on it due to my moral code (eg. They are already partnered). Don't go by promiscuous stereotypes. My opinion... The vast majority of gays are invisible to society. We "pass" under their radar as we do not fit a stereotype. The 80/20 rule applies (trivial many and the vital few). In the case of stereotypes it only takes 10-20% of a group to form a stereotype.
