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Vulnerable

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dublin Boy, Jul 18, 2013.

  1. Dublin Boy

    Dublin Boy Guest

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    When I was completely in the Closet & in denial, I went through a really bad period in my life, so bad that, taking my own life could have been a option for me, but luckily I didn't however during this period I was hit on really bad by Guys wanting a one nightstand, how they knew I was Gay I don't know, some of them were quite old & some weren't !

    It was as if I had "Vulnerable Gay Guy, please take advantage" Tattooed on my forehead!
    This only seemed to happen to me when I was really down, after a while I relented & made myself available, I didn't care about myself & I put myself in some dangerous situations :eek:

    One I went back to a Guys house after letting myself get picked up in a night club, we ended up in bed together & he wanted to have anal with me, I didn't, he got angry with me & was going to throw me out into the street, many miles away from home in the early hours of the morning, luckily for me he passed out & I let myself out in the morning :eusa_doh:

    So can being Vulnerable make you a easy target for certain types of Gay Guys?
     
  2. myheartincheck

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    Wow... that sounds really traumatizing...

    Yes being vulnerable attracts all sorts of weirdos. It's like they know it's the opportune time to take advantage of someone...
     
  3. PurpleRain

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    Oh yes... Being a vulnerable person definitely attracts people that you don't want it to...

    I've always been really vulnerable. The last time I gave in to my vulnerability and let someone take advantage of it they chewed me up and spat me back out like I was nothing and still treat me that way. And they still have an excuse for why everything is my fault... I think that actually made me even more avoidant than I was before them because at least then I'd had some innocence about me to give people the benefit of the doubt. But now anytime anyone shows an interest in me I have to be cautious of their intent because I can't go through all that ever again. It'll kill me.
     
  4. greatwhale

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    As has often been talked about here, (see Brené Brown on YouTube) one needs to be vulnerable in order to build relationships, however, you wouldn't be vulnerable if it wasn't risky.

    I have always been of the opinion that there is no fairness and no real security in life, so if you're going to take risks no matter what (just walking out the door is a risk), don't take stupid risks, take interesting risks!
     
  5. merlin

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    I think being vulnerable makes you an easy target for anyone who is looking for easy targets and gets a kick out of that (this is btw the basis for bullying in many cases as well). Unfortunately, if you are depressed, anxious, insecure, it is not just your mind speaking. Your body also shows these symptoms and such predators pick up on that (nothing special, all predators in nature sense fear and that stimulates their sense of predation). That's why I think therapists so often emphasize the need for bringing back a feeling of confidence and self-esteem (love yourself so others can love you too). It not only makes a person more attractive (regardless of physical appearance), it also scares away the predators. Unfortunately, all easier said than done (I know from ongoing experience) which is why therapists make such nice incomes ;-) Sorry for the rant.
     
  6. skiff

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    Hi DB,

    I have always been super careful. Lived in a steel closet of gay solitude when it came to family and friends. Only my partner knew I was gay and him likewise.

    I regret much of that caution now.

    I agree with GW that taking interesting risks is wise.

    I can pick up on gay. Don't know why, a vibe maybe...

    You were a good looking young man. That was enough to get attention. I suspect the fact you were vulnerable was coincidental.

    If I walked into a Dublin Pub I would be proud to drink with you as I know you as you are today not a vulnerable young man.

    We are tribe. We are brothers.

    Just spent the night in a couple of bars here with a gay friend. Thank God for gay friends.
     
  7. LD579

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    Yes, being vulnerable (and LGBT+ youth, especially, are prone to being vulnerable) can make you 'easy pickings' for someone, whether it's a predator or someone who wants to just get laid or what have you.

    This is different, though, from being vulnerable in a good way, as greatwhale mentions. When you're at a place where you can take risks and expose yourself with someone who won't, or would try very hard not to, hurt you or upset you, that's very different from random people looking to get some action without looking at the repercussions for someone who's hurt or at a tremulous place in life.
     
  8. Violet

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    You'll always find people who want to take advantage of others, especially the more vulnerable. Just because that makes them feel better about themselves, they know how low and miserable they are, so need to make everyone else even more miserable.

    You will be always better than them, no matter what they say. Despite of your situation, don't stop believing in yourself, because you're precious!

    PS I've been there before and it really sucks!
     
  9. Dave5432

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    Yeah, we're all vulnerable at some point. The trick is to know what the vulnerability is and how to work around it. I'd also be proud to drink with all of you.
     
  10. Randy

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    I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. You made a good choice though :slight_smile:

    Yes, unfortunately, being vulnerable does make one very susceptible to gay men that get a kick out of taking advantage of people. As disgusting as it is, it's always been the case. Often, people who do this are miserable and know they're miserable so they will drag people down with them as sort of something that gives them joy. You just have to know what makes you vulnerable and "turn it on and off" whenever. I know what it's like to be in your position and, unfortunately, I was taken advantage of once and almost got myself into another position where I would have been taken advantage of, but I got myself out :grin:

    I'd be proud to drink with you DB (if I magically got to Dublin)
     
  11. Dublin Boy

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    Thanks Guys, I would be proud to drink with any of you, you are all such special people & I love you all so much (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  12. Chip

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    OK, I think it's really important to clarify here.

    "vulnerable" in the context of wholehearted living, healthy relationships, and being able to feel joy, is absolutely necessary.

    But vulnerability in that context does NOT mean weak, easily taken advantage of, having no boundaries, or having poor self esteem. On the contrary, real vulnerability, of the sort that Dr. Brené Brown speaks of, is the birthplace of courage, confidence, creativity, and many other things.

    The difference is this: When we are learning to be vulnerable in the healthy sense of the word, we're learning to allow ourselves to fall in love, to take (sensible) risks, to put ourselves out there and be seen, and to be willing to share our stories with those who have earned the right to hear them. But we also have good boundaries, the ability to protect and care for ourselves, and the ability to evaluate and make wise decisions.

    When we are living in our shame, we have low self esteem, no boundaries, and a fundamental sense that we aren't worthy of love and belonging. And for many people, this can manifest as allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of repeatedly, because the message constantly playing in the background is "I'm not worthy of love or belonging", so we put ourselves out for absolutely anyone, with no boundaries, and that leaves us open to being hurt.

    So real vulnerability is a positive, and is absolutely necessary for love, belonging, courage, confidence, and self esteem. The phrase as it's mostly been used in this thread is not vulnerability at all, but shame and low self esteem.
     
  13. gavguy

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    I think being vulnerable is something that many people take advantage of and poeple are more vulnerable if they have a caring nature and are sensitive.
    I have fallen victim to many people in the past taking advantage of me for various things and like DB said I almost feel like I am walking around with a big banner saying "I'm so vulnerable, take advantage of me, I won't mind "