How did you end up married?

Got married because I was pregnant (@31) and wanted a family. 13 years of marriage. (15 together) Harder to admit that to self than being gay. Was Never in-love w/my husband and he was in love with someone else when we got married. Yah- recently whole truth came out & blew apart any micro shreds of friendship we had left.
Don't regret it. Just how it has ended. quietly ugly.

 

How did I get married? Simple, after a chaotic childhood in a single-parent household, a bastard of a stepfather, and moving more times than I care to count, I wanted a "normal" life.

There is a poem that captures this:

Have you anything to say in your defense?

by Cesar Vallejo

Well, on the day I was born,
God was sick.

They all know that I'm alive,
that I'm vicious; and they don't know
the December that follows from that January.
Well, on the day I was born,
God was sick.

There is an empty place
in my metaphysical shape
that no one can reach:
a cloister of silence
that spoke with the fire of its voice muffled.

On the day I was born,
God was sick.

Brother, listen to me, Listen...
Oh, all right. Don't worry, I won't leave
without taking my Decembers along,
without leaving my Januaries behind.
Well, on the day I was born,
God was sick.

They all know that I'm alive,
that I chew my food...and they don't know
why harsh winds whistle in my poems,
the narrow uneasiness of a coffin,
winds untangled from the Sphinx
who holds the desert for routine questioning.

Yes, they all know...Well, they don't know
that the light gets skinny
and the darkness gets bloated...
and they don't know that the Mystery joins things together...
that he is the hunchback
musical and sad who stands a little way off and foretells
the dazzling progression from the limits to the Limits.

On the day I was born,
God was sick,
gravely.

Cesar Vallejo (Peru, 1892-1938) was one of Latin America's greatest 20th-century poets. English translation of "Espergesia" by James Wright, from Neruda and Vallejo: Selected Poems, edited by Robert Bly (©Beacon, 1971).

So much for normalcy...it's overrated anyway.

 

Hi GW,

That is a dark pem I hope for a day that you no longer relate to it.

I never felt broken, I feared a broken world. Even though that murder of the young gay man happened in 1998 Matthew Shepard - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia and my youth was in the 70-80's in my memory it could have been any year. A freaking violent, unbalanced straight society intent on destroying anything outside the norm (not just gays). That was my fear.

That fear lead to the closet. The closet leads to men who are emotionally unavailable as fear rules their lives. I would have given up my fear but the guys I met couldn't. That lead me to believe all gay men could NOT form long term commitments. In hindsight that was STUPID but I was a young guy, alone, no role models and very limited experience to work from and I made a stupid mistake. I thought maybe a woman could provide the commitment I wanted and I could beat gay. You cannot beat gay, but there was a child born and my love for the child locked me in until they were young men.

If I had to put my finger on why?... Fear, ignorance, limited experience, no role models to offer experience. I did not rush out to ruin another's life.

But that broken seething, straight, society views me that way I am sure.

 

I honestly didn't recognize that I was gay until after I was married. Should I have? Maybe. I watched gay porn, but I didn't feel an attraction - emotional or physical - to other guys I knew. I simply assumed that I would get married to a woman and have a family as my parents and their parents had done before me.

I was set up on a date with my wife to be when I was 25. We got along. She was/is a lovely person who seemed to like me back. And being 2 years older than me, she was ready to settle down and pretty much ran the show in terms of timelines. When we'd get married, when we'd have kids. I was just along for the ride to some extent - because I wasn't really in touch with who I was.

I don't regret it. Why should I? I can't take any of it back, and it has made me who I am today. I also have 2 beautiful little girls who enrich my life, even though they quite often drive me crazy.

As for people judging you - that's their problem. I've been AMAZED at how many other people (men at least) who have been married and had kids and then come out. Either people I've met from the LGBT community or people I've been told about by friends of mine. Even the premier of Ontario (like a state govenor in the US) came out in her late 30s after having been married and having children. Now in her 60s she is now married to another woman (a life long lesbian if I heard the story correctly) and recently became leader of the ruling party, which made her the provincial premier. It's pretty wild really - and very inspiring.

So don't sweat it. Your story is yours. It is what happened to you - for whatever reason. And the rest of your life will be the same. Uniquely yours.

 

I too thought I was straight for many years, dated women and married one. In my 40's I realized an attraction to men, it grew from there. Once divorced I was able to come to terms with being Gay. I make no excuses, it was a part of my life, it made who I am, if you can't deal with too bad. Hope this helps.

 

I knew I liked guys when I was in my teens. I had crushes on a few. But (a) I felt it was wrong/strange/unusual, (b) I didn't really know understand homosexuality/bisexuality and (c) societal pressures told me that I should date girls.

So, my interest in guys was pushed way back in the closet, so much so that my wife thought I was homophobic. I never wanted to talk about homosexuals, never wanted to watch movies that involved homosexuality in fear that I may let it slip that yeah, I liked guys.

Married to continue what society told me was right. Since I'm bi I'm comfortable being married, especially since my wife is a true understanding and loyal friend.

 

Hi ChrissSouth53;

If you are bi and happily married can I ask what brings you to EC?

Are there unaddressed issues?

Thanks. I am gay and trying to understand bisexual issues.

 

I have told this before. I got married because I thought it was the only thing to do. I thought that religion and God would make me straight make me a man. Never happened always fantasized about guys always was having sexy with someone else in my head when we had sex. I will never leave her because it has been too long and we are friends. But I do see me and enjoy myself. Had one special guy but had to leave him he wanted more.. I am content with my life. Came out to wife and some siblings. :lol:

 

Knew I didn't really like guys all through junior high and high school. Went out with them anyway because I wasn't allowed the alternative. Was very attracted to a female roommate in my early twenties but nothing came of it. We both got married because it seemed like we had to. I tried to enjoy sex and relationships with guys but I always just really wanted to be really good friends. Well, you can't do that when you're married.

Had three boys with my first husband. Sexless after a certain point. Fundamentalist Christianity kept me thinking I was straight. Anger, frustration, depression for years not knowing exactly why.

Got divorced and had a respite from religion. Fell in love with my next door neighbor (but she never knew it). Got back into fundy Christianity again (why oh why?). Got married again but he was abusive so I left him after a year.

Left fundy Christianity for good, immediately decided that I really liked girls but had no outlet in the Oklahoma Panhandle (that I knew of). Stayed celibate for ten years.

Decided to come out to everywhere about eight months ago. Wow!

So, for me, it was being a fundy and thinking that I really didn't have a choice in the matter. My choice was to live a lie. It wasn't my choice to be a lesbian.

The best think to come out of all of this? My three boys and a deep sense of satisfaction that I am finally living my life the way it should be lived.

 

I am married for 22+ years and I did know I was interested in men before I married. Why still go forward? I did feel connected (physically and emotionally) to my wife (and still do to a large extent), I came out of a break up (with another woman) and lived alone for one of the most miserable periods of my life. I needed to be in a relationship and fear of going public with my gay feelings was certainly a major impediment to go the other route. I chose a safer route and thought I could manage if I tried. I tried and managed for a long time, but at one point you have fought yourself too often and the closet becomes a true jail. If that happens, you either go nuts or break free (and unfortunately, sometimes the first happens before the latter). Now, I trying to cope with all the things that I have been bottling up over the years (with some professional help) and I don't know what the near future will bring. Do I regret not coming out sooner? I don't know. I think I was not ready for it at the time and there was nobody who could have pulled me out of that closet. Now something pulled me out, and once that door is open, it is hard to close it again. In the end, I still belief in the words of the Outlaws in one of their songs "You only regret the things you don't do" and for many in the closet or coming out of it, that may be the best motivator to face the world in your true you.

 

Honestly, I got married because I loved her. I still do, just not in the way that I thought.

 

Hopefloats - I think if I had going to an affirming church all those years I would have come out a lot sooner than I did. I got stuck in a fundamentalist/charismatic church for the sense of belonging. When I moved to Oklahoma after I got married the second time (left him after a year) the area I lived in had nothing to offer me or my kind so I kept my mouth and legs shut (eww, but it's true).

I still don't go to church anywhere.

 

How did I end up married? Good story, many messed-up subplots, ending still being written. My wife was friends with one of my sisters for a number of years, and we got to be friends in the church choir. (I actually played the organ and sang for her first wedding!) I used to run into her quite regularly before she got married and we always got along extremely well, but she was living with her fiancee and I figured she was off limits as a result. My sister told one of the singers during the wedding, "This whole thing is wrong. She should call it off and marry my brother".

Her husband had some major alcohol problems and was also abusive, and things degerated very quickly. She called me frequently to vent, and when he was out drinking and she was afraid of what he would do when he got home. I was determined not to be the cause of their breakup and kept telling her to see a counselor to figure out if she really wanted the marriage to work and how to salvage it (she never did). Eventually I started visiting her in the evenings while he was at his second-shift job and things got more complicated. We had sex (my first time, at 29! unless you count a drunken incident with my college roommate, which didn't amount to much and is another story), which I enjoyed, and which also convinced me that this whole liking guys thing was really just a phase and I had simply needed to meet the right girl. (Which is not to say that I immediately tossed my couple of gay porn tapes, however....) I am a rescuer at heart, and I think in my mind I was rescuing the damsel in distress AND proving to myself that I wasn't gay, all at the same time.

Eventually they divorced and we got together rather quickly afterwards. Sounds rather twisted fairy-tale. Except that looking back, there were things about the situation that don't quite add up. Her ex suggested to relatives that she married him only to make me jealous, and several comments she has made over the years have made me wonder if perhaps there wasn't some grain of truth to that. And while I know for a fact that he does have an alcohol problem, I've grown suspicious over the years about the abuse claims, because some of it doesn't fully add up. There have been many times in her rages where I have found myself thinking, it's a good thing I'm not drunk because she is so irrational and so crazed, and I am so frustrated with it, that if I WERE drunk, I might have actually taken a swing at her. I do know that she took more than a few punches at him, so whether the abuse was initiated by him or was really self-defense, I don't know for sure. In fact, there are other stories that have morphed over the years, and things that she blamed on one person have been blamed on others as time has gone by, stories of abuse at the hands of her mother aren't always consistent, and history seems to be constantly altered and re-written, and she is showing more and more dissatisfaction with me, our daughters, and her life in general. I've spent the better part of 20 years worrying that being a closet case had sabotaged our relationship and it was all my fault. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that she has some pretty major psychological issues which she has never, and will never, own up to, and I have probably given her about 15 more years of security and protection from herself than any straight guy would have.

 

I got married because I was in denial. I wanted to be straight so I thought if I acted straight on the outside that would make me straight. I really hoped my attraction to women would just go away. I also wanted a family and a normal life. I never wanted to be "that lesbian who lives down the street." I didn't want to be the lesbian mom. I feel bad about that now. I knew people who had two moms and never thought less of their families but I just didn't think I was strong enough to have that kind of family.

I also married my best friend so I thought we could make it work. We have good days and bad days...but I wish I was honest with him and myself from the beginning.

 

I thought I was straight but 2 1/2 years of marrage I have learned that guys are my thing.


Wished I discoverd it sooner

 

What an interesting thread! I must say I'm a little disappointed... when I saw the title, I hoped it was going to be how did you end up married to your current LGBT) partner. You know, happy stories! Ha ha, this is good too.

Perhaps I'm lucky that my de facto partner was/is too much of a committment-phobe to marry me. This is pretty common in Australia though and a lot of couples never get married, they just live together and have babies, so it's not too far off being married anyway... I hope that means I'm allowed to post here! LOL

It's so easy to just go along with what society tells you is normal and desirable. I remember saying as a 7 year old that I was never getting married and never having children. I still don't really want kids but I do now want the marriage, just not necessarily to a man.

I guess I went in to the de facto relationship because I wanted to fill the void of not having a family. Both my parents and my only sibling are all mentally ill (mum has PTSD and severe chronic anxiety, dad is a narcissist and possibly has aspergers, brother has chronic depression and uses drugs) so I have always craved stability. A partern/husband/wife to me symbolises a new family, which is all I've ever wanted. Perhaps it's because I put this much pressure on my relationships that none of them have ever succeeded?? Perhaps it's because they've all been with men.

Great Whale, I hear what you're saying and I totally relate, but I don't like that poem. I have often felt that way (that God was sick when I was born, though I'm not religious) but it's so dark and negative. I may have been unlucky in the cosmic lottery when it comes to family and my childhood, but I know my spirit is beautiful and my life brings joy to a lot of people. God couldn't have been totally off-duty that day... perhaps just doing a bit of an experiment (though frankly, an unethical one!). I hope someday you can come to feel this way too.

 

I got married because I really do love my husband and men in general. My sexuality is beyond complicated, it's so fluid that it drives me nuts.