A Definite Kinsey-Zero Being Challenged

I wonder if confessing your attraction to her privately would help? She may be flattered that you find her attractive. Is she your supervisor/boss? Is that why you're concerned for your job?

 

I have a very strong attraction to a woman at work. She is not my direct supervisor but she's higher up than I am and we're working on a case together. I started having explicit sexual dreams about her and then blushed just walking by her office. We often have meetings out of the office and just the two of us drive together. I have to try not to talk in the car. Because I'm afraid Ill say too much. I often find myself staring at her hands. This has been going on for at least a year. It's actually a strong factor in why I came out to myself and started coming out to friends. I disagree with confessing your attraction. What I realized in my situation is that this is about me, not about her. I don't want to burden her with my confusion and feelings. I needed to sort them out for myself.

 

I wouldn't confess anything to her either. Talking about it here or perhaps with a professional or with a trusted friend might take some of the overwhelming emotion out of the situation.

For many of us who come to realize we have a same sex attraction later in life the emotions that come with that first crush are overwhelming. It's like you're cramming 6 years of teen aged angst into a few short weeks. It really is like being hit by a wall of rushing water. The good news is that it will pass. It is like you've unlocked a flood gate and that initial rush of water is happening. But the water will level out again and smooth out, but perhaps at a different depth. Likewise, you'll have a new awareness of yourself that you didn't have before. And that's something else you'll need to come to terms with.

For now, ride it out. And don't do anything stupid.

 

Try to stay professional and hopefully, as time passes, you will be more comfortable around this person and the butterflies will diminish.

If it makes you feel better, I read that, once in a lifetime, most Kinsey-0s will experience an intrigue with a person of the same sex and that it will come and go, though they will certainly experience angst and confusion as it occurs.

Picture them sitting on a toilet and grunting, if that's what you need to do. But, on the job, keep your cool. Discuss it with those who are safe, such as you are doing here.

 

Gross as it is, this made me LOL.

 

Jim, that's the advice commonly given to those who have stage fright about giving a speech in front of an audience. I can't take credit for it.

 

Practically, when I have a meeting with the object of my attraction at the office, I do better when (1) I take a notepad and pen (2) plan what we need to cover in our meeting professionally and (3) do not stare at her. I try to "fake it until I can make it" - fake like I not insanely attracted to her. When I don't have a pen and notepad to play with or my professional conversation outlined, I get very goofy, off track, distracted, etc. it's ridiculous!

 

I can so relate to the office-attraction thing. I would definitely not say anything to her about it...good way to ruin a working relationship...or worse. All the advice on here about how to center and focus is good...especially Hope's thoughts about planning/prepping meetings and having pen and paper handy.

All I can say is that it will diminish with time...so keep your head on straight until then. But this does all raise the more serious question of this attraction to one particular woman can (or eventually will) extend to other women. How would you feel about talking to your husband about any of this? While I'm not big on total emotional honesty with co-workers, I am *all* about communication and total honesty with a partner.

 

Hugs to you!! Talking to a therapist sounds like a great option.

 

Absolutely a therapist is a perfect next step, and one I usually recommend...I'm sorry I didn't think of it last night. Hugs and good luck!

 

I have a daring suggestion that involves just you, IConfess.

It comes in 3 steps.

-One, realize just exactly what this attraction is; raw attraction. You don't know her, you're married, it has no (immediate) future. You will keep your cool and eventually get used to feeling this way, therefore this attraction isn't dangerous for your job or personal life.
-Two, make her into a fantasy. That's right; you don't know her so you can imagine everything you want about her. You can imagine she's your secret girlfriend whom you have sex with in the elevator at work. Anything you want. Clearly separating fantasy from reality saves you a whole lot of trouble, I promise.
-Three, use it. When the urge is too big or when you need a bit of spice in the bedroom with your husband, think of the guilty fantasy you made for yourself.


Girl, I've lived so many times what you're describing and that's the only way that works for me. It's taking a threat and transforming it into something harmless and even pleasant. She may even find your new smiles charming!

 

Great to see you back...and congratulations on your upgraded Kinsey! The Queer Side really does have better cookies, you know....

Thrilled to hear that therapy has been working for you. And no, we cannot help what we feel. At all. Even a little. So give yourself a break, and stop *trying* to help feeling what you're feeling. Just feel it, acknowledge it, and get on with your day.

 

IConfess, you're not straight, at least not anymore. Do you intend to tell your husband about your overwhelming infatuation with that lady at work? I don't recommend it, at least until you're more certain regarding your sexual orientation and thus psychologically more stable.
I wish you all the best!

 

I know exactly what you mean. My work crush on partnered lesbian took a turn for the worse this week. Take this as a cautionary tale. So despite my advice to you and my best efforts to be restrained, my attraction increased and it became obvious it was reciprocated to some degree. But the fact remains that she is in a relationship. We exchanged a few inappropriate text messages Tuesday and then had to have a talk about boundaries Wednesday. It was so awkward. She apologized for her text. I just said "you're in a relationship." She said yes. That's that. This flirtatious stuff has to stop. On one hand, yes the attention felt good and it was nice to know I wasn't making this up in my head. But I have values and she's in a relationship. And we still see each other professionally. I also feel like it screwed up out friendship. Terrible.

 

(((((((((((( Hope ))))))))))) I'm sorry you had that experience. Do see it as a cautionary tale, and learn from it.

Hopefully with time, it needn't have permanently messed up your friendship.

Thank you for sharing it so others can benefit from hearing a real outcome of what so often feels (in the heat of attraction) like a good idea.