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Confused: possibly ending hetero marriage with kids, in love with a woman

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by KTLA, Jul 19, 2013.

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  1. KTLA

    KTLA
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    Hello!

    I'm very new in all this and not quite sure where I fit in but I could use some support/advice.

    I've been miserable in marriage basically from the start (almost 10 years) but have two kids 16 and 8. My daughter is from a previous relationship and has had a hard time with my husband but they have come a long way. I have been wanting out of my relationship for ages, but he thinks he adores me and I dont want to hurt the kids, extended family, cause financial hardship, etc.

    I recently fell completely in love with a good friend who is lesbian, and married. It happened completely randomly and I have tried to avoid or fight it but it's amazing and feels so right.

    I understand that this makes me sound like a flake. I'm not as far as I know. I have a good career and a normal lifestyle.

    Is this ridiculous? I was already prepared for separation from my husband before this came up. Now I feel like I can't possibly stay. But I couldn't possibly tell him that I clearly can't be with him because I'm in love with a woman. What would my kids say?? I never would have predicted any of this, though I've had feelings for women in the past.

    Can anyone relate??? Advice?? Would I humiliate my daughter if I came out about my relahionship with this woman in the future?
     
    #1 KTLA, Jul 19, 2013
  2. ormanout

    ormanout
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    YOU are not a flake. You've been socialized to believe all sorts of bad things about same-sex attraction and those tapes are on high volume, right now. You will have to learn to tune them out and that takes time and LOTS of support. When I first came out, I had been married to a woman for 38 years, had 3 sons, 2 daughters-in-law and now two grandchildren. I realized that I would need help to face the mountain of messages that would force me to stay in the closet and remain unhappily married. Six months later, I have a preliminary date for divorce agreed to with my wife and I'm out to somewhere around 50 people....all carefully chosen because I knew they would affirm me and support me. Yes, I still have some way to go...still not out to my kids, or at work, but I will get there. YOU are a wonderful and loving person and even if you can't believe it right now, your future will be far brighter than your doubts will allow you to believe right now. The popular saying "it gets better" is, in fact, the absolute truth! Stick with it, my dear lesbian sister. Your true self awaits.
     
    #2 ormanout, Jul 19, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2013
  3. KTLA

    KTLA
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    That made me tear up. Thank you so much for responding and I admire your bravery in living and choosing your own life.
    As the first response I've had outside of the relationship I've had with the woman I'm in love with, your words are significant!
    I feel like I've just taken the first deep breath I've had in a long time.

    Sidenote: I just read the sticky note attached to this thread about using a different thread for "coming out" themes, but I felt I might find more folks with kids and in a different place in their lives on this one. My apologies if I've posted in the wrong place.
     
    #3 KTLA, Jul 19, 2013
  4. Femmeme

    Femmeme
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    Feel free to stick with this subforum, but you may be surprised how mature and understanding our younger posters are.

    Ok so two things:

    1. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You're making some huge steps in discovering and becoming who you really are!

    2. Yes, go through with the separation! BUT make it about YOU not this new relationship. I know your new lover must be fantastic and amazing, but what you need to be focused right now is what make you fantastic and amazing and nurturing those things. If this woman came as a surprise imagine all the other wonderful things you have to discover about yourself! You're at the doorway of an incredible adventure of self discovery, and it's not about your lover, your husband or even your daughter. It's about you and your one precious, short life.

    I'm so excited for you!!!
    (*hug*)
     
    #4 Femmeme, Jul 21, 2013
  5. ttmab

    ttmab
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    I understand what you're going through, albeit not to the same extent. I mutually ended a marriage and 7 year relationship with a girl, for a number of reasons, my sexuality being a major factor in that. The thing is, not only are you denying yourself a healthy relationship, but you are also denying your husband the same thing. Now keep in mind, I am not calling you selfish or anything like that. I understand the fear, and I wouldn't judge you for whatever choice you make. That being said, it sounds like you are on good terms with your husband, and that he is a good man. If you decide to leave him, just make it clear to him that it's not his fault, that he's not a failure or defective as a husband. I can't claim to know how your kids would handle it, but you can't just deny everything that you are to keep from hurting them. I have a feeling that your kids will love you regardless, even if it takes them some time to adjust. My ex-wife found out her mom was a lesbian when she was young, but still she loves her mom more than anything in the world. Hope this helps.
     
    #5 ttmab, Jul 21, 2013
  6. KTLA

    KTLA
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    Pfff...
    Thank you! I love "Fall down seven times, stand up eight."

    My marriage is over because of a lot of things, it's been the same story since the beginning and I know that we got married for the wrong reasons and that he's actually been married to himself for ten years and knows literally nothing about me.

    The new relationship, more than anything, has shown me that I'm not the frigid and cold woman that my husband has insinuated, I am capable of LOVE--romantic love at that. I don't depend on things working out with this woman (as much as I would love it), but I am so grateful to have rediscovered what I am capable of that I feel strong enough to make a huge step in the right direction toward taking care of my own happiness. In turn I hope to share my real self with my kids and let them know that they don't have to feel chained to a relationship that makes them miserable.

    My husband is a good person, but not for me, nor to me...

    I sign the contract for my apartment today (I'm leaving the house since it was his before we met) and I feel like I can start to breathe and be my real self all day, not just when he's not around!!

    It's crazy how confident your responses have made me feel, thank you!
     
    #6 KTLA, Jul 24, 2013
  7. Straight ally

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    Congralutations! I see you are progressing really well and really fast :slight_smile: ... Not only now you can be happier but also your husband. Now each of you can be with a person that loves you and that you too love. You are making 2 persons happy and that is great! You have added more happiness to this world, just by being true to yourself.

    Keep it up! It gets better :slight_smile: :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
    #7 Straight ally, Jul 24, 2013
  8. ttmab

    ttmab
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    Heh, glad you like the quote. I keep it on here, because it always helps me to see it.

    Sounds like things are going well, all things considering. I'm sorry your husband wasn't treating you well. I didn't want to press for details, but you referred to him 'adoring' you, so I assumed he was very doting. Anyway, better to be true to yourself. It can be tough, but it's worth it. Good luck!
     
    #8 ttmab, Jul 24, 2013
  9. Precious Venus

    Precious Venus
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    I'm so glad you're feeling positive about this. :slight_smile:

    I'm kind of in a similar situation but without children. I've been in a defacto hetero relationship with a man (who calls me frigid) for 5.5 years and I fell in love with a woman.

    Unfortunately, I don't think she is going to leave her partner (they're not married, but I'm still not going to try and split them up). I'm a bit concerned that the woman you're in love with is married. I would tread very carefully there... you don't want your heart to get broken!

    As for your children, I'm sure they would be happier to have a gay, happy mother than a miserable repressed one.
     
    #9 Precious Venus, Jul 25, 2013
  10. KTLA

    KTLA
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    Thanks everyone, its unbelievable how good your support feels.

    Ugh Venus, it sounds like we have a lot in common. I don't intend to break up anyone's marriage and I hate it. At the same time I'm so relieved that I'm capable of loving someone like this! I'm kind of betting on getting hurt, really. Does that sound terrible? It's preferable to how I've been living to feel so much. Do you plan to stay with your husband?

    Thanks!!!!!!
     
    #10 KTLA, Jul 25, 2013
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