Realizing Later in Life?

Welcome Wonder. Lots of us here are at various stages of journeying thru discovering ourselves and true sexuality. You will find lots of support here. Hugs!

 

The most common thing is people think they are unique or odd discovering it later in life.

You are run of the mill, not unique in any way.

Welcome.

It is only news to your conscious mind, your subconscious has most likely grappled with it since puberty.

---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2013 at 06:20 AM ----------

My opinion...

If you are not clear and open about your sexuality age >=~25 is "later in life" (my opinion) Posting away from here and you are polling teenagers (again my opinion)

Nothing against teenagers and many older people browse the the other categories but I would guess the average age here is 35-40 which is life experience teens don't have.

Also physiologically the brain is fully developed at ~25 and teens literally think differently due to physiological variation.

 

I think a lot of us who figured things out later are people who, maybe, were never particularly self-aware anyhow. For whatever reason, I never put 2 and 2 together and concluded that "attracted to the same sex" meant "gay". The few gay people I knew in my teens, 20's and even my 30's seemed like part of a completely different culture and world, one that seemed very foreign and uncomfortable to me with my family/kids-oriented upbringing. I was accustomed to the world of very traditional big families; no one was really anti-gay because no one was even SINGLE past about age 25, much less involved with another guy. It simply wasn't part of what we could comprehend. The fact that I found guys attractive I assumed was just some personal quirk. (As did some of the stuff I did in private, which even as a teen was pretty clearly not only gay but more than a little on the kinky side as well.)

For myself, the realization that a) I was gay, and b) that was OK, finally hit me for certain in my 40's, and by that time I was married, had kids, and had eaten myself into a shell that I assumed I was in forever, and I got even more depressed than I already was. And only now, after losing my dad, turning 50, having a health crisis and finally deciding to put some effort into losing weight, have I really decided that this is the time and I need to get the ball rolling. Hopefully without the ball rolling over and crushing anyone, although I'm sure in the end there may be some collateral damage that I will have to deal with.

So, were we just dense? Or were we so concerned about fitting in, or pleasing people, or not making waves, that we buried our feelings or put them last on the list? Maybe all of the above, to some degree. But I can tell you that the first time I told a trusted friend that I was gay, I felt like a giant weight was lifted off of me. Scared, sure--petrified--and uncertain of what the future would hold and how to proceed, definitely. But I can honestly say that I am also more excited abut the future than I have been in years, and while I know it won't be easy, I feel like I am finally moving in the right direction. Best of luck to you!

 

I was in my mid thirties before I finally accepted my sexuality. I started questioning everything including my faith. It did seem like I was in free fall. That settled down when I realized that my core values had not changed only my perspective. Welcome, if I can help feel free to ask.

 

This pretty much sums up what I would have said too. Welcome to EC to both of you! You've come to the right place!

 

Attraction can be alot more than just sexual/physical. One of my exes was biromantic, she could be romantically attracted to both genders but when it came to sex/physical stuff she could only be sexually attracted to women so she was at the same time homosexual. You said you didn't get what you wanted exactly when making out with boys but women seemed exciting.
If you think it's necessary it'd be best to talk to your husband, and if you want/ if they're old enough, your children as well. Lot's of people don't question themselves until their older so age is perfectly fine and natural.

 

Wow, your story sounds a whole lot like mines. I feel so relieved to know I'm not the only one. I feel so alone with these feelings and thoughts, with no one to express or share with. Very comforting reading your story. I feel at ease. I just wish I could talk with friends or family with this. Please read my story ours are quite similar... tell me what you think okay. Thank you !!!

 

As I grew up I didn't want to be gay and even more importantly I didn't want to admit that I'd rather be relating to men as a woman! I acted uber straight and got myself into a male-dominated and very chauvanistic profession. It worked! I married and thought my desires were just "kink" and that maybe I was even a sex addict!

I told myself that I would NEVER act on any of my desires and I meant it. There was no way I was going to be unfaithful to my wife. But then she kind of went off the deep end and we divorced. I finally had a chance to explore...and I swore soon after we separated that I would enjoy men and eventually come out, so that was what had really been playing in the back of my mind all along I guess.

After lots of therapy, and after my ex outed me in court documents (which felt good, actually, even though no one really even reads that stuff), I have figured out that I am transgendered and truly wish I could relate to men as a woman. Still working on that! I still feel that I can't come out, at least until I can extract myself from the homophobic culture I work in. Some day.

Anyway, it's amazing what we can stuff and how we can create our own "comfortable reality." I suggest that you explore your feelings and desires very carefully, ideally with a gay-friendly therapist, before you plunge too deeply into a conversation with your husband about being gay.

 

Wonder

Yes definitely !!! I would be attracted to women I can remember the earlier in Junior High. Now looking back I thought being offended when a particular girl I was interested in did not want to be my friend, I would then take it to heart. I would want her to be my friend and that was it. I would be jealous if she had any other close friends. I thought that was completely normal. I'd always kept it to myself as long as I can remember. I grew up with those feelings were completely wrong to have. And now this girl who I cannot stop thinking about, frustrates me because I cannot ignore this one, not this time. So I'd came up with the idea of just to stop going to her classes, because if she does actually like me back, wow I would not know what to do. It drives me crazy. What would you do in my situation ??

 

Reading these makes me realize that I never had "crushes" on guys but had huge crushes on women because I knew I couldn't have them (or so I thought). Four women come to mind. Friends of mine who had no idea I wanted more than just friendship. I didn't feel that way around guys. I just wanted to be friends with guys but in my head that just wasn't allowed.

bighearted - go with the flow if she likes you back. I never thought I could do that but nature kicked in.

 

I think if I had been 23 and questioning in 2003, or 1993, I'd have been in a similar situation, living the heterosexual lifestyle, wondering what if, feeling unfulfilled.

Attraction is complex... some people are certain when they're teenagers, others don't even question until later in life. And of course, there are exceptions and surprises - sexuality is far from being one-dimensional.

 

Hi Wonder! I'm the same age as you and only just raising my own sexuality too. For 33 years I've been trying to find the perfect man but none of my relationships have ever worked. I've always been attracted to girls and watched lesbian porn, but never thought i could go there IRL.

I've never been attracted to butch girls so i assumed my bisexuality was limited to the realms of pornography. But i recently met a woman who's turned that all on its head.

Unfortunately, she's not available and I'm going through a separation, but it's made me realise who I really am.

It's funny how we can ignore the obvious for so long,isn't it?

 

I'm a little younger than you, but I still feel behind the times in terms of figuring out my sexuality. I still have questions. I grew up in a very liberal area with several out LGBT people, so i don't know what held me back except this fear of being *different*. But I know I always liked boys with pretty faces, and that I tried really hard to fit in and relate to other girls by talking about guys. I thought that's what I needed to do in order to be "normal". I also never said "i love you" to girls, maybe "ily" but more than that I felt uncomfortable. Some of my crushes were genuine, some were like "hmm this guy friend and I spend a lot of time together, maybe i should have a crush on him." And predictably, the crush would fade quickly. I hooked up a lot, and took it as a sign of maturity that I never got attached to my hookups. But I think in general while I enjoyed it physically, I never had the emotional reaction you're supposed to have. And often I just wanted the guy to like me, more than I actually liked him.

I think one of the biggest things is that I am probably more on the feminine side, and I always thought lesbians would want to act/dress more masculine. (wooo preconceived notions!) Also I was always attracted to more masculine-presenting ladies, and so I never really had crushes on straight friends, which made it easier to ignore. I was always uncomfortable around more masculine women, and nwo I realize I always thought they were attractive but I repressed it and turned it into general discomfort and social awkwardness.

But I still think sometimes that "i should have figured this out by now, what am i doing, this is all in my head" and then I think I'm straight and get worried that I'm just looking for a reason to spice up my life or something. What I do know is that I was sortof emotionally dead and my feelings didn't seem real until I started on this path. So there's that.

 

All of this is so comforting! So similar to what I have been going through. I have known since I was about 7, but I thought I was Bi because I never had a chance to have any dating/romantic/sexual experience with a woman, but my most intense crushes have always been women and I am only sexually attracted to women. It's been confusing because I can appreciate that men are attractive and I thought that made me bi, but the truth is that while I can appreciate attractiveness in anyone, I am just simply not interested or attracted to guys as anything more than buddies. I realized this during my last relationship and it finally hit me that I just can't do it anymore and I have to be true to myself. I came out to my boyfriend (who I believe is also in the closet, but I would never pressure him or anything like that) and broke up with him and for the first time fully acknowledged to myself that I am gay, not bi. The feeling of freedom and joy at the thought of never having to suffer through the physical and emotional connection with men that has always felt gross, painful and wrong to me is indescribably wonderful. It's been the most exciting, blissful, right feeling, but also terrifying.

My biggest problems are that because I seemed and acted straight for so long (and was married to a man for three years) is that no one seems to believe that I am gay and as a shy and naturally private person anyway, I feel really embarrassed and insecure all around. I feel like I don't fit in with people who came out earlier or who have never lived the "straight" lifestyle and I am actually scared to tell my many gay and lesbian friends because I feel like it's some special club and I don't qualify because noone knows that I have been keeping all this inside for my entire life! I am also scared of losing some of my straight friends although I know it's good riddance if they are judgmental, it's just scary. I have told my (wonderful) family who couldn't be more supportive, although they didn't believe me at first either, and I have told a few friends who have been very supportive as well. The problem is that I have been telling the people I know love and support me, not the questionable ones... I want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

So, basically, I would love advice on coming out with this kind of situation if anybody has any feedback or anything. Basically coming out in your early thirties, looking fairly femme and having a "straight" reputation...are three of my 99 gay problems (and a chick is still one, 'cause I am depressingly single). :-D

Thanks to anyone who reads this or has advice!

 

Well, I am 38 and was married to a man from 2009 to 2011. No one in my current city or life knew me as anything other than straight. I am pretty feminine. I wore heels & dresses 4 out of 5 days this week, for example. And I have a 2 year old. (The backstory is that I was out as bi for 5 years earlier in life, then ran in the closet and pretended that never happened). The first person I came out to was my straight best friend from college, who knew me in the bi days. Then I reached out to some older lesbians at my church. It was scary because they had known my husband and me together, and always knew me as straight. But they are super supportive. And it turned out one of them had been married to a man back in the day! I would've never guessed that. It made me feel less like a weirdo. Next I came out to a lesbian couple I know - they are my age. That was the most difficult but has been the most rewarding. They have been supportive and welcoming, inviting me to do stuff. It is indeed so freeing to finally be open, honest & authentic !!

---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2013 at 09:56 PM ----------

Oh I skipped coming out to my straight, married mommy friends. I talked to them a out a week before my coupe friends who are my age. And my sister too. And then most recently my mom.

---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2013 at 09:57 PM ----------

Compared to when I came out as bi at 19, no one has questioned me or asked me how I know. Maybe I just sound more sure of myself these days, I have no idea. But I'm glad I haven't had to go into that. I just know. Trust me.

 

Patofsilver I totally identified with your statement that no one believes you're gay. I become so incredibly frustrated when the very few people who I've come out to decide to debate whether or not I'm truly gay. Even though I have chosen to remain closeted to most I am deeply content with my true identity.

It took me 40 years to admit to myself that I was gay and along the way I absolutely perfected the act of living straight.