Last week, I joined a Facebook group that memorializes the junior high school where I went. It's been an interesting experience. There a few nice memories. Plus lots of fun seeing photos and trying to figure out where they were taken. But there has been an incredible amount of pain--memories are stirred up, and I am reminded of all the areas I was dysfunctional in that era. Making matters worse: there is a realization how dysfunctional I still am in some of those areas. Inability to make friends in the real world being one excellent example. I suppose a cycle just repeats unless it's broken somehow... If that cycle can be broken, that is. At least this gives me a clearer vision of the problems I have to deal with. I just wish I didn't feel so overwhelmed by it.
A few years ago, I was asked to help out at a fundraiser at my old high school. I drove there with a friend of mine, parked in the old parking lot, and started walking the walk up to the main building. ...and about halfway there, I felt myself transforming. Gone was the cheerful, fun-loving gargoyle of today. Instead, the awkward, 80s hatchling was back. I actually ducked my head down to the ground like I did back when I was in high school. Trying to look invisible, worried about what everybody thought of me, hoping nothing would happen. And suddenly I stopped and turned to my friend. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked him rhetorically. "I'm 40. I'm over all that shit." And I continued on, with my head back up again. That stuff can stick around. Lex
Someone described high school as a 'mined field to cross' on here recently. That statement is true for many, so I liked its accuracy. For those who loved it, and are still living it, Facebook is doing its job. For those who didn't particularly care for, Facebook is best avoided. I have little to no contact with high school people and I prefer it that way.
Thanks for the responses! Well, as the old joke goes: it's better to be quiet and have people think one is an idiot than open one's mouth and remove all doubt! Plus I have a lot of things competing for my time in recent weeks. I'm not sure what my estimate might be--in a low point, I might even put it at zero, which is probably underestimating. What is certain: it's difficult, and always has been making friends. I guess I wasn't taking notes the day they covered this material in Kindergarten or something. Thanks! How true! That statement about the mined field is very true.
And then the high school tracks down your address and phone number, makes contact, and unabashedly asks for money! It definitely stirs up the old mine field...
I remember one comment years back when they were trying to find Osama Bin Laden: just turn him over to a college alumni office that hounds alumni for money--they'd find anyone in a matter of days!
My high school doesn't know where I am but, unfortunately, my college does and asks for money. I told them there are many rich alumni to hit up.
Been somewhat through this, although most of the realizations came around the same time as I came out. Seems there was more in the closet than just my sexuality, and I was definitively overwhelmed by all of this for some time until I started to figure out where I wanted to go from here on. I'm terrible at making friends. I have trust issues, so approaching people isn't something you will see me doing very often. Suffice to say, I generally dislike people. With that being said, after I figured out what my issues were, and what I wanted to do about them, I started working on them. Slowly, but surely. For the past 5-6 years I've had 0 friend, but since May I've went ahead and contacted a high school 'friend' of mine I hadn't talked to for all this time. I was badly in denial back then, whereas he had recently come out, so that made me distance myself from him and all of my other friends at the time (unrelated to trust issues, but there's something else in there). To keep it short, after some severe hesitations I sent him a message to say "Hi", and we started chatting, and then we visited one another and we've been having fun. I just came back from his house about 4 hours ago (it's past midnight as I'm writing this). It was definitively worth doing, and I feel like I can say that I at least have 1 friend, which is higher than 0 according to mathematics, so it's a good thing. My trust issues are far from being fixed, but on the other hand, how am I suppose to trust people if I avoid them completely? This is the starting point for me, building up relationships and gradually allowing myself to be more at ease and open with these friends. Although I felt really overwhelmed when I realized all the problems I had to face, working to fix them has really affected me positively. It's been a little while since I've last had an episode of depression for that matter, although I might be jinxing myself here... Still, now that you have a clearer vision of what your problems are, you can begin to figure out what you want to do with them and act to solve them. I guess saying "Once you hit rock bottom, you can only go up" would be somewhat accurate. My 2 cents.
Thanks! ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2013 at 02:28 PM ---------- That's one possible answer. Another that hit me that many of today might find useful: "Sure, I'd happy to help out. But I have a thirty grand of student aid debt that I racked up because your tuition keeps rising dramatically, and the only financial aid you have is loans that needs to be paid off first. Get back in touch in 25 years." ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2013 at 02:29 PM ---------- That is helpful. Although what has been...interesting with this time since joining this site is how I get more and more realizations of things that need to change. It seems almost endless sometimes.
