hi..i'm not 100% sure if this is the right place to ask for advice, but i am really questioning my whole life right now...so... by the way - please excuse if i'm making spelling/grammar mistakes for english is not my first language... so, i am 28 years old and have been searching for "the right guy" all my life, i have fooled around with girls once or twice, but it has never been really serious. i had like two or three longerlasting relationships with men and been sleeping around a lot every time i was single...it was like i have been searching for something and never found it... well, until now: i have completely and unconditionally fallen in love with a girl i already know for some years, i always felt very stongly connected to her, but now that we started an affair (she is in a relationship - i know, don't lynch me for it) and spend more and more time with each other i feel like she is the one for me... is this crazy? how can i stop meeting her, when all i want is to be with her, but don't wanna be the "mistake" in a relationship... AND: i wouldn't be able to come out of the closet even if i wanted to because she wants me to stay the "straight" girl for everyone, so we can meet without causing her trouble... i just need some sensible words to put me back to reality and away from dreaming how we could spend our life together..forever...so in love...:bang:
Hi, I am gay male so I don't pretend to fully understand the emotional side of being a lesbian. That said I understand your dilema. I have a friend I see and talk to once a week for a very specific "coffee hour". He is partnered and his partner does not attend. This friend is like a warm bath for my soul. I am attracted to him but he is partnered (many years) and I will not be a wedge. I limit our time to that coffee hour. I don't share contact info. I don't tell him how great he is to be around. I keep my actions circumscribed as it is a slippery slope if I chose to advance. I would not like myself very much if I injured my friend's partnership for selfish reasons. So I remain a friend with limits I impose on myself to prevent a larger issue. The least I can do for a friend.
Well thanks a lot for your answer...it is really impressing how you found a way to handle the situation for the sake of your friendship, i wish i could do the same... I feel like you truly understand the troubles i'm having in this situation and i appreciate your non-judging, considered words - to be honest, i already feel a little bit better having my thoughts written down here... My problem is, that i don't think we could manage to take a step back and being just friends - sure it would be possible to just stop having sex but she already confessed she had strong feelings for me...is it possible to be in love with two different people at the same time? She says she feels like she really loves her partner, but fell in love with me. Like you said, me too, i rather don't want to be a wedge (at least not more than i am already), and don't want to push her to end her partnership, although i fear that this is what i want...
Hi, Simply stop having sex. Draw that line and don't cross it. If the friendship breaks on retraction of sex then what was it? Something that has always driven me not to interfere with couples... If a third party drives a wedge and breaks up a couple and then forms a new couple how can either fully trust the other knowing what breach of trust the other is capable of? If the original couple is doomed then let nature takes it course. I also would not want to be a rebound partner either. Failure rate on rebounds is massive. If it it just about non emotional sex I don't relate with that.
hi i think i will just take your advice and try a friendship without benefits, and then see what happens...thanks for "listening"
That's really good advice Skiff. I've posted before about feelings I have for a partnered woman. Boundaries are really important in that scenario.
Oh Theresa you poor baby, what an awful predicament. I totally understand the temptation to be "the other woman". I'm currently besotted with a woman who's in a relationship and to be honest, if she grabbed me and said let's sleep together, I think I'd struggle to resist. When your heart is so caught up in something, being reasonable can get left behind. But you need to get your reason back. Will this woman leave her partner? Really? And why does she want you to stay "the straight girl"? Is that for your happiness or hers? I confess, I had an affair with a married man when I was 18 (to be fair, he told me they were separated at first and I only found out the truth 6 weeks in when I was already emotionally invested) and it was such a soul destroying experience. I think you need to ask yourself where this relationship is going. Yes, you're infatuated with her but does she love you the way you deserve to be loved? Does she care about your feelings and your integrity? Could you be happy living this life of secret sexuality? Could you ever really trust her not to do the same thing with someone else? Really hard questions, I know. Just for the record, my affair ended when the guy decided to reconcile with his wife, leaving me broken hearted and feeling totally used... which I was. And the worst part is, I got used because I let myself get used. Could you be doing the same thing? Try to take care of yourself. (*hug*)
