Hi, all. Well, I've posted here a few times and in various stages of my marriage. We just passed our 12th anniversary. We have four kids, ages 4-10. We both come from very conservative backgrounds. I recently brought up the issues I've had with sex- basically that I can't keep up. It is hard for me. He doesn't really seem to get it and thinks I just need more time in between sexual encounters in order to build up my libido. On the other hand, he seems to understand enough to know that our marriage is stifling me. We were on the verge of separating but we just can't seem to pull the plug. Because we both really care for each other and for our precious kids and value our family unit. We are thinking of going to counseling. I think it boils down to the fact that I just don't want to have sex. It's gross. Man parts are gross. And... He's...not good at it. Sex makes me nauseous. If not for that, pretty much everything else could be worked out. I have issues knowing ill be looked down on and shunned and blamed by my family. Sixe my religious background is conservative, I think I also wonder if divorce is really ok, and If gay is okay. Don't get me wrong. I believe gay is beautiful. And I believe divorce is a necessary evil. But is it ok for ME? Am I doing the wrong thing by leaving? Am I doing the wrong thing by drawing a line and saying I've reached the end of my rope after 12 years. How could I be so selfish? Will my children survive or ever forgive me? My oldest has such humongous issues with change. Can he possibly make it through this? I don't know how to go about this. But the problem is that we're at a standstill. Neither of us wants to call and end and we don't really know what to do. I'd appreciate some combined wisdom from you all. Thanks. C
Dear Carm, I've found that when it's an issue of marriage, coming out or accepting onself, here in LGBT forums you're going to get this answer a lot: that yes, you should leave everything and come out, go see a therapist, yada yada yada. It's like a one-size-fits-all answer. However, I think that it's not always the best one. A dear family unit, a close marriage where the only thing that doesn't work is sex, 12 years at building something that will last. Of course you shouldn't throw it all out and divorce, of course you should try to find a way to repair instead of throwing away. You know, like they did in the old days; they didn't throw away-replace, they repaired, back then. From my life experience, I would be inclined to agree with couple counseling. Just pick your therapist well... maybe not an ultra conservative or religious one. Maybe they will bring up new ideas to help your sex life work better, maybe they'll help your husband be better at it, maybe they'll have you re-examine something you've already tried but under a better light. You have all the time in the world not not have to try and rush things in a way that you might regret. What about only making a move when you're 100% sure and 100% peaceful about it, whichever the move may be? I wish you loads of happiness in the future and plenty of wise replies.
It really is ok! It's not an easy journey but its worth it. For you and your kids. Your not selfish. Your kids will know by example that its ok to be who they are no matter what by your example. It will take time for them to understand that but it will be freeing for them too. Hugs Rose
