dating after coming out late

I have found that this has not been an issue for me, it may even be a plus! I have heard rumours, hints here and there that gay guys actually enjoy the fact that you are new and that you have been with women (strange, I know).

I can only speak from personal experience, however I believe I am as sensuous with a man as I was with women, with the added roughness that I love about being with men, and perhaps we former lovers of women are more giving and considerate of our guy lovers (but this is just my take on it - it would make an interesting topic of research!).

Bottom line: I wouldn't sweat it, and besides, you are already experienced!

 

This has been an issue on my mind as well.

What makes the situation particularly "fun" for me is that I have zero dating experience. By zero, I mean zero, not even a casual date date with a girl in high school.

So I suppose when/if I start dating I'll have the same trauma as a 16 year old on his first date, minus the problem with zits.

Making matters even more interesting: I'm not on the market until I feel like I'm ready to be marketed. How long the changes I need to make will take is anyone's guess.

 

I have the same issues/concerns, and I saw a therapist for an intake session for a new group that I want to go to this week. Something he told me was very telling.

There are various stages of maturity, and one can be at various stages AT THE SAME TIME in different areas of their lives. For example, I'm a confident professional in technology, successful in my career, etc.

However, when it comes to dating (men or women) I've never dated a woman because I was gay but in denial. Now that I've finally accepted myself, I simply don't have the requisite skillset, and this is something that can be learned/worked on.

Hang in there, we're all in this together!

 

Damn, now you got me all selfconscious!

 

bdman, for what it's worth, I'm in your boat. I'm early 40's and only looking for a real relationship. If we were on the same end of the country I'd be interested. Point is, nice guys ARE out there, but maybe we're just terrible at marketing ourselves successfully.

 

Being realistic, I suppose this "carton of milk" (me) is about six months past the sell-by date.... Sigh.

And trust me: this has been an issue on my mind fairly regularly.

And the passing of each day doesn't help. But...at the same time I question that I'd be able to attract Mr. Right given where I am now...

Sigh. Maybe it's time to order the tombstone saying "Never even had one date."

---------- Post added 28th Jul 2013 at 01:01 PM ----------

And I guess this sort of thought is one reason I've avoided questioning sexual orientation in recent years. I knew I had at least a same sex attraction. But it seemed like any sort of real relationship with a another man was not likely, so why even bother dealing with determining if I'm gay?

 

How interesting, I would never have thought this would be an issue! Frankly, as a girl who's new to the whole same-sex thing, I thought it would be exciting for a woman to know she was my first?

I was chatting to a gay friend of mine the other night who said that all the lesbians in Adelaide know each other and have already f***ed each other to the point where it's almost incestuous. I'd have thought some fresh meat would be very welcome!

I guess if the role was reversed, my main concern would be that you are just "dabbling" and aren't really serious about being gay, that you would change your mind, break his heart and decide to go back to women. I'm sure once your date has met you and gotten to know you, that fear (if it even exists) will be assuaged.

Seriously, I know I'm a girl and we're different, but we're not that different; I wouldn't worry about it.

 

Please tell me if you get a consensus answer on this one, as I'd like to know too, seeing is I'm in the same boat (...damn same boat)

That's apparently the same in Melbourne too so I've heard - Hey, I'm gonna be in your town this weekend! (!)

 

Hi,

Just retreading your first paragraph...

Personally I don't care about my potential partner's skill level in the bedroom. Sex, good sex is a learning experience for all couples. The more experience they have with each other the better the sex. I don't have a long list of old partners but I can say learning a partner's body and how to bring them pleasure with their preferences takes time.

I am test driving a couple dating sites and if nothing else answering the profile questions is educational. So far the most important question asked in my opinion was "What is the duration of your longest relationship?". My numbers are very high (15 years, 21 years) and I find myself specifically looking at other profiles for this info.

For me a person's ability to maintain a relationship for long periods is key. I believe the life skill is transferable as it is a personal attribute and same sex or opposite sex matters little.

Speaking for myself if you had good healthy LTR's that is enough and the rest is trust and a learning experience for both people.

I think possibly you have a different issue... Preconceived ideas and expectations that hold you back.

When I was a young I was terribly shy. The word "date" was tied to expectations in my mind I could not meet. Instead of just a couple people out out and having fun ending in a simple goodnight kiss my brain would blow it into the girl expecting intercourse on the threshold of her parent's home. Being a closeted gay and having exaggerated preconceived notions kept me from dating or going to parties where I could not meet my notions versus reality.

Are you suffering "preconceived" notions in regards to what other guys will expect of you?

What would I expect... Two guys going out to have fun to learn if going out again to have more fun is warranted. If the only thing on my mind is stripping you and and forcing you into uncomfortable situations I would not be a very worthy date. Relationships don't work that way.

 

Might just be optimism on my part, but I'm actually looking forward to the chance to date again, especially considering that my last go-round with dating a few decades ago was awkward and unpleasant because I was fishing in the wrong pond, so to speak. And I had the programmed-in directive to seek out a potential wife and mother, so every date was more like an audition. I think half of the reason my wife and I got together was because she was in a messed-up marriage and we COULDN'T really date!

At our ages, I think there's a lot of temptation to look immediately for some kind of long-term relationship, but I think that really can sabotage things. I'm looking at the potential of dating, once a few of the "complications" are resolved, as a chance to meet people, do things I might not do alone, maybe do a few things I DO do alone but would rather do with someone else(wink, wink), and really, just have some fun. I expect to make up for my lack of experience with enthusiasm and a good dash of "I'm a naïve and innocent choir boy--show me the ropes!" (And if he actually HAS ropes--well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Bottom line is--this is our chance to have fun in a world we've shut ourselves out of for years. Enjoy it!

 

go Choirboy!

Good advice.

No,,, Rope is "line" and used to tie up your boat.(*hug*)

 

I think the Gays who want to get with straight men actually want him to be still straight. Like a rare fruit to be picked. Not date a man making a major change of fields who is looking for a man as he also would be gay not straight so no challenge for them.

Being as I am not a gay guy but a trans woman, I am not sure the gay point of view but here is my POV. Having a man with women as his only past would seem to me to be a nightmare for a gay guy. Since these are the only type men who will date me I have plenty of experience right to my current husband. They always seem to want both which leads to cheating. Also they compare you to them and also try to mold the relationship in the same format they are used to ie roles. Both are good for me since I am a woman and never yet has a ex cis-woman been a serious threat, but that might be uncomfortable for a gay man. As far as gay men go, let me say I have no experience with them at all so I am only guessing not all want to be treated like a lady and probably would feel put off by being sized up against a cis-woman. As far as giving and considerate thing goes, I highly doubt it. I have found the few men of my past only realized what they had in me once I was gone and they were back with a cis-woman miserable. I am not saying cis-women make all men miserable, just with my ex's it has been that way once they had me. The new cis-women then got compared to me! Only once it is too late it seems guys realize their mistakes and want to come back. Maybe it is human nature to want what you don't have.

Anyway this is a great topic that just seems not to be talked about much on here. When a man late in life switches the field it has to be hard for him to do so. Also being 41 and when I found myself single at 39 it was pure hell trying to get a date my age as a trans-woman. However I do feel their is someone for each of us and wish you the best finding yours! June

 

It is a relief to know that I am not alone. I too go thrum same feelings and doubts. To bmc77: try not to beat yourself up cud its bringing me down. I got a good 6 years on you and I am still gonna give it a go and if that doesn't work. I will cont to keep trying. We can do this.

 

Wise words!!!

 

AMEN!! Speaking from the vantage point of someone who has been married for 20 years, the whole long-term relationship thing can be a big pitfall if you aren't secure with yourself first. I have relied on my wife for our friends and activities to the point where I barely know who I am or what I want, and I will largely be starting fresh after we split. Which doesn't bother me so much as the 20 years of losing track of myself--and that has absolutely NOTHING whatsoever to do with being closeted all that while, either. Your most important long-term relationship, and the only one you are 100% sure to have till the day you die, is with yourself. Make the most of that one first.