I'm coming to terms that I may have to leave my marriage in order to figure out my sexuality. But for some reason I feel like I want to press the undo button for our whole relationship. We have had many good times, but it's like I don't care about any of that. The worst part is I'm even starting to feel like I don't want my kids anymore. That is another reason why I avoided my gay side. I think I wanted my kids because I wanted a family with my husband, but now that that not possible, I feel like I don't want them anymore. I feel horrible for feeling like this. I've never felt fully connected to my oldest daughter as she wasn't planned and I know thats a horrible excuse. She is a wonderful child. I'm crying as I write this, please don't think I'm heartless.
I commend your honesty, your feelings cannot be denied. This is a hard thing to face, how we feel about our kids, it's so much more complicated than the fantasy that every child is wanted and loved unconditionally by their parents. There are many instances of mothers and fathers playing favourites, it shouldn't be, but it is. the Old myths and (unedited) fairy tales actually come closer to the truth of this phenomenon than the sentimental pap that we have to digest in our own culture of parenting. You own this feeling, that's good, but perhaps now you know that it is not unique, that it is part of the centuries of parent-child relationships...complicated and nuanced. I hope that you are seeking therapy, not as a form of coping or adjusting but of facing this feeling full-on and coming to terms with it, as you are with your sexuality. I also wish I had that big reset button, but the divorce is a good substitute...
