I've posted some of my past history in other threads. In a nutshell: My partner died several years ago and I've distanced myself from most of our friends. I've become almost a hermit and only socialize with heterosexual friends. I have surrounded myself with a wall that makes it nearly impossible for anyone to meet me or try to become romantically involved. I have been alone (and haven't had sex) in over 7 years. So... I've joined a gay men's social club and today is the first event I'm attending. I'm not good with strangers, so I've been really gearing myself up for this. I have to NOT stick myself in the kitchen (the originators of the group are hosting at their house). And I have to do everything in my power not to be a wallflower. I keep telling myself that this is a safe event to meet people. Nobody is looking for anything other than a social outlet. Breathe, damn it! Wish me luck.
Go for it. It sounds safe enough and it will probably be fun. The fact that nobody is looking for anything makes it a good place to start.
:goodluck: I hope it goes well & opens up other avenues of social events for you, sorry about your loss of you partner, I know the death of a loved one takes a long time to come to terms with (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Hi there! I am sorry to hear that your partner died, and that you have distanced yourself. But I am glad to read that you have joined the social group and have decided to attend one of their events. (*hug*) Hope you will enjoy attending the event. Yes, breath. It's going to be fine. Even if you end up talking to only one person (which I'm sure you won't) you have already accomplished what you have set out to do.
Hi, Look at this situation differently... As a man looking for a long term relationship a widower would be very interesting to me. Just speaking openly and honestly. You have credibility is sustaining a relationship. I am sorry for your loss and don't want to make light of it, but you have valuable life skills men seeking a partner will admire.
I HAD A BLAST! This is exactly what I was looking for. Everyone was around the same age. There were 18 people there and I was one of the 4 single men. I was talking with my sister yesterday about this. She said that since "D" died, I've built a wall of heterosexuality around myself. She's right. I've been so guarded against replacing him that I've made sure there was no possibility of letting anyone even try. Today was great. I forgot how unique it is to be in a group of gay men. I can't even describe it. The conversation was about travel, work, relationships, sex, our pasts, and (because we're a little older) the good/bad ol' days of the 70s and 80s. I'm just floating around this evening. One other thing... I've agreed to host the next gathering! In two weeks, we're going to go out on my boat.
Thank you for your kind words. I don't think you're making light of anything. I have to admit, though, that nobody has ever put it that way to me before. My friends and my sister have just said that I "need to get out there and find someone to help me get over it," and "you're a great catch," and the like. I just brush it off and tell them I'm not ready yet. Inside, I just want to die. I still miss him so much. I still can't imagine anyone being able to hold me without me bursting into tears. LOL! Wouldn't that make a great night of sex! I'm so glad I've found EC. I've never said some of these things to anyone.
I am so sorry for your loss, you are much stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. Getting back out there sounds like a great things to do. Death sometimes puts us in voluntary seclusion to protect ourselves during grief. If I may though, when my grandpa died and I said goodbye to him, he imparted some very wise words: Don't be sad it's over. Be happy it happened.
What a great success! Congratulations to you for going, not hiding in the kitchen or being a wallflower, and hosting next time. It sounds like you gave yourself time to start your healing alone and now it's time for you to enjoy the healing company of gay friends. What a blessing.
My God Khan... you poor soul. What a horrible thing to happen. My mother lost her second husband a few weeks before they were due to be married and she's never been the same again. I'm not surprised you built a wall. Sometimes when we lose someone we love, we punish ourselves. We feel guilty about feeling good so, to avoid the gult, we ensure we continue feeling bad until we feel we've suffered appropriately. After a breakup, for example, I've been known to only eat frozen meals because I didn't feel like I "deserved" to eat an enjoyable meal. It's a remote example I know, but I think you've been doing something similar? Well done for making that HUGE step and reaching out to other gay people. I obviously have no idea and I hope it's not being presumptuous to say it, but I'm sure your partner wouldn't not want you to be lonely and sad for the rest of your life. Good on you and good luck. (&&&)
Your loving partner would be pleased, I think that you are awakening again to what life has to offer. You are not betraying your love for him by letting go; letting go is to realize that love is a gift, like a sunset, like a child you raise to finally see him or her take flight. Love again, (you will!) and know that you will never be able to possess him as a millionaire possesses artwork. Give him the kind of love that nurtures, that is stewardship rather than possession. Take each day as a gift, and delight in the things he does each day. And letting go again (inevitably), if you've learned that you never truly possessed someone to begin with, will be so much less sad.
Hi, You mentioned your sister... My sister is 8 years older than me. I was her living baby doll as an infant. To this day she is the most open, supportive, loving person in my life. I have two brothers, one older, one younger and they love me dearly but nobody compares to my sister when it comes to emotional support. I feel quite the odd ball in the gay community as I only seek a LTR and there seem to be so few guys (none so far none) in the guys I encounter in my age group. But that doesn't slow down my sister's cheer leading that I will find somebody. You know Khan... The issue I face is most guys seeking a LTR my age is that guys my age who seek LTR's are already in LTR's. that only leaves the widowed or those LTR's that hit the rocks. My experience so far (limited) is those just off the rocks simply want to burn through guys and since I reserve being physically intimate for somebody I am emotionally close with I am off their radar. This must be tied to the HIV era of the 70/80's my generation lived through leaving a bubble of gay men afraid or emotionally repressed. It is a numbers game and there is somebody out there for you again too. Just have to plug away at it. Have fun hosting on your boat. Thank God for sisters.
