I am an older individual,53. I will turn 54 in August 2013. I have suppressed his feeling that he was gay. I have had trouble even saying the word gay as a reflective adjective to myself. I have always wanted to please everyone: friends, siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousin, pastors, and teachers. However, the one person that I am not pleasing is myself. I would refer to myself for a long time as gay curious. This is a band-aid for a deeper emotional problem of sexual identity. My coming out is very late. It is not that it came upon all at once. I have denied myself for decades. I lost my sister about 8 years ago, dad 3 years ago, mother is in a demented state in an elder care facility, and I have been abandoned my close cousins since I lost my dad. I live alone. Don't know who to talk to. Years ago a friend of mine and I had an attraction to each other. Recently, I found him on Facebook. I believe this is what has cracked the closet door wide open and has flooded me with these emotional feelings. I know no one in the LGBT community. I have called the LGBT hotline, visited a Metropolitan Community Church (MCC). This is a LGBT church. But still, I am very confused. I am going to call the pastor of the MCC church to schedule and appointment to talk about my feelings, the Bible, and the dogma that exists in mainline churches. If anyone can give me advice, please do.
Hello, crickett. There are lots of us here who are navigating "later in life" questions and concerns like yours — you are not alone in your journey. While the path can be scary, the conversations here provide much comfort, support, and good advice. I hope you find this to be as safe a place to visit and process your thoughts as I have. Welcome, fellow traveller...
Crickett, your heading says "anxiety and panic attacks", are you experiencing this? I am personally overcoming an anxiety/panic disorder so I know exactly what you're going through and it is truly horrible. Panic and anxiety, in my understanding, are states of being our brain creates to avoid feeling emotions that frighten us. Sometimes they can be the result of a chemical imbalance too, but I think yours sounds like an emotional trigger. The key to fighting anxiety is actually not to fight it at all, but to accept it. You need to really connect with your feelings... ask yourself, what am I really frightened of here? What is the absolute worst case scenario? What is the likelihood of it actually happening? And, most importantly, if it did happen, would that really be so bad? You say you've been trying to please others and I suspect you've set a very high standard but people can be a lot more forgiving and compassionate than our own inner critics. And if there not, stuff them- that's their problem! My suggestions for you: 1. I'm not sure what the medical system is like in the US, but I would go to your medical doctor or straight to a psychologist and start talking through these feelings of anxiety. I wouldn't go for drugs unless you feel you can't survive without them, just talk-therapy is good. I have a brilliant therapist and talking to her has helped me so much. 2. Start doing something you love. Find something that brings you joy and get involved! Whether it's music, sport, whatever, you need to meet new people, make some friends and enjoy yourself. It doesn't have to be a gay specific group, but preferably gay friendly. 3. I'm not religious myself, but church is obviously important to you, so finding a pastor who is gay friendly sounds like a really good thing to do. Just for the record, I'm pretty sure the Bible tells us to "love our fellow man", and that's all you're trying to do, right? Good luck! Dealing with anxiety can be a slow road, but you will get there. you just need to start putting one foot in front of another.
Welcome crickett Anxiety is horrible , I know exactly what you are talking about .Sometimes I suffer from anxiety especially in the holidays when I have much free time but I think the only way to overcome anxiety is to process your feelings and try to make yourself busy . Good Luck
Hi, No stranger to anxiety having grown up very, very shy. Not sure there is an answer but I find having a loving partner helps a lot.
You may suffer from loneliness but can come here whenever 24/7 as many people here have a similar story. Thinking too much - can get you stressed out. And stress, for too long, can bring on the anxiety and depression. It is a difficult cycle to break out of but you need to tackle it on a number of fronts - which people have written about above. Good advice from people above.. which I will not repeat here If you are having a really hard time just now, consider short term medication from your doctor. I say this because many people do not like the idea of medication, but if you need a 3-6 month 'holiday' from the anxiety, then your doctor may be able to help. Your doctor can also talk you through other areas for help also - including info on local therapists. (*hug*)
This is a great place to come to help yourself realize just how completely normal your feelings really are. There are many of us here who have had our reasons for not coming out sooner, whether it be family pressures, religious beliefs, social difficulties or just the fear that we might lose more than we would gain if we did come out. Talk to the pastor--from the sound of it, helping people in your situation is part of his job description, and he probably has a lot more experience with it than you do. Once you confront your worst fears and survive--and you CAN survive--life can be a lot better. Welcome!
Choirboy: You and I are on the same page. However, I did make one change. I cannot nor will I talk to MY pastor. I am in a church that is mainline denomination (United Methodist). It is a good church. However, when one talks about homosexuality, that is the BIG sin and the door slams in your face. What I did do is contact MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) pastor. This is a church that supports LGBT members. I have an appointment next Tuesday to discuss my concerns and anxieties. you stated . . ."There are many of us here who have had our reasons for not coming out sooner, whether it be family pressures, religious beliefs, social difficulties or just the fear that we might lose more than we would gain if we did come out." All of these describe me . family pressures - yes; religious beliefs -yes; social difficulty and fear- yes fear - the black hole of not knowing what is next - yes,yes, and yes!
Well Crikett, you are not alone in this, I also am in the process of disentangling myself from past mistakes, it has taken a lot of work so far, but I feel stronger for it, curiously. I have less money than ever, I am alone (but not lonely), and my soon-to-be-ex wife is making life miserable, nevertheless, there are some good aspects emerging from this: I am reconnecting with friends and family, I have free time (where I no longer feel obligated to be "on" for everyone else but myself), I have taken up drawing again, and making new friends. For every door that closes, a window opens elsewhere...it takes faith to believe that, Kierkegaard said that without risk, faith would be absurd, keep faith to who you are, have faith that there will be good things coming out...of coming out, seek help wherever you can, even if you think you don't need it, we all need friends and you have friends here with us.
Choirboy: You and I are on the same page. However, I did make one change. I cannot nor will I talk to MY pastor. I am in a church that is mainline denomination (United Methodist). It is a good church. However, when one talks about homosexuality, that is the BIG sin and the door slams in your face. I totally get what you're saying, Crickett. I'm a Catholic and while my pastor seems to be someone that would be very open to gay people, he's also not a particularly friendly person to begin with, so I would be very reluctant to talk to him. And the official "party line" isn't as bad as some, but what the hierarchy decrees is remarkably different from what the average Catholic in the pew believes. I meant the MCC pastor that you mentioned in your first post. He seems to be the guy to talk to, and I was thinking of him in term of "your pastor". If he's not, he should be! I have lost touch with so many people over the last 20 years of being the good husband/admin/rescuer/whipping boy that I feel like I will be starting fresh in many respects. The majority of the people I know at this point are part of my wife's large circle of acquaintances, and once I have all my ducks in a row and talk to her about a divorce, it will make the rounds pretty quickly. My one consolation in that respect is that she's showing more and more instability lately, and people are getting an inkling of just how difficult she is, so people will not see me completely as the villain. Like I care at this point anyhow. I have no idea how the gay piece will play out, but that's not really an issue at this point. My brother will freak out and my sisters will be accepting. I guess that's as good a start as any.
