uncertain partner

You are correct, she may love the closet more than you.

I was in a 15 year closeted partnered relationship and when my partner's mother asked why he wasn't married he bolted, dumping me.

It is always a possibility.

My rule now is to NEVER get involved with a closeted person.

 

skiff --

While that might generally be a good rule (and one that I'm sure lots of guys have), what about someone like myself?

I'm out to some people, but not completely out. I would have no desire to hide any relationship from anyone (I'm out to my parents and sister, the rest of my family could follow after having a partner).

I hate to derail the OP's thread, so I feel obligated to answer her as well:

After 13 years, she's had the opportunity to come to terms with who she is. She needs to own that, and let that be a part of her life. I think that it's well within your rights to ask that she come out, because it's quite obviously hindering your relationship. I honestly couldn't imagine going more than a YEAR with a closeted partner, let alone 13. At some point, people need to live true and authentic lives.

 

Consider this perhaps,

Change happens when the discomfort of how things are is greater than the fear of changing.

That applies to both of you. If you become fearful that things will not get better at a certain point, there will come a time where you need to decide whether to move on or not. She is sounds very comfortable right now. Think about it. She has everything she needs, a committed partner, AND a closeted existence without external conflicts. Probably a ton of IN-ternal conflicts, but people who are closeted that old in their lives, and who are rigid in their ways to not come out are usually pretty numb to their true emotions anyhow. You might be holding each other back from your full potential. If she never has any fear of loss, or fear of things staying constant, she will never have any reason to change, and I dont think you will be happy with someone who doesnt want the existence of your relationship to ever be known. I think you probably both deserve better. Now do you decide that you throw down an ultimatum, maybe, but does that really fix the problem, or does that just create a whole new set of problems, and do you really expect to see long term change from that? Probably now. When someone changes for someone elses benefit, it is never long term in my experience, they must do it because they themselves want to see the change.

The way I see it its like you said, you have a decision, to be with, or without her. What I would urge you to do is really look at what you are afraid of. Is it that you are afraid to move on? Do you somehow feel like you only deserve someone who cant fully love you? Do you not feel good enough? And really think about what decisions you have been making out of fear of being vulnerable again, and what decisions you have actually because you were happy, because I think you will find that they are unbalanced. Relationships like you described never get to where they are unless they are terribly unbalanced.

Much food for thought, but I wish you the best.

 

Being out can still be very dangerous. I work at a company with 1000 employees and not one out person, but I'm sure there are plenty of lgbt people. It's in a conservative area with a lot of religious people. If you are in your 30's-40's and still building a career coming out can hurt you big time and it doesn't matter if there are anti-discrimination laws in your state. I have a theory that says if you're on the last decade of your career you are more likely to come out fully. This seems to be the age group that is most likely to be out in conservative areas. I guess they figure they can ride out the rest of their career and not be hurt as much.