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Crush at work

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by HopeFloats, Jul 31, 2013.

  1. HopeFloats

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    Does anyone have any advice for getting beyond my crush at work? It is so distracting. She is all I think about. I am going to be working closely with her for 2 more weeks in the same office and thereafter we'll still be working on the same project but not in the same building. I'll be about 2 miles away.

    I feel this overpowering need to say something. To let her know how I feel. Is that selfish and unfair? Stupid? She is a lesbian (and has a partner) but not out to me. I really want to get over the crush and be friends with her outside of work.
     
  2. Vashta Nerada

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    I cannot give you advice on getting over her but I would definitely advise against telling her about your feelings if she has a partner, that can only end badly...
    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. HopeFloats

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    I'm definitely not going to say anything about her. I keep reminding myself that this is about me and my feelings. I don't want to transfer any burden of awkwardness to her. She didn't ask for that!

    Time, distance, and a distraction are what I need according to another post. I'm looking for a distraction tonight at a mixer/fundraiser for a gay nonprofit. Three of my friends are going to meet me there so hopefully I won't be *too* nervous!
     
  4. Precious Venus

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    Ack, a tricky situation. Obviously (if you've read my thread) I'm no expert on getting over crushes, but I know it's hard when you have to see the person all the time.

    If I think about innappropriate crushes I've had in the past, most of them just went away eventually. I guess when I was in a loving relationship, I still had crushes but they were more like fleeting fantasies that I toyed with when I was bored, not the all-consuming, devastating experience of unrequited love.

    Time... well you can't hurry that up. Distance is a problem too; you work together. So I deduce what you need is big-time distraction! Can you meet some other ladies, maybe go on some dates or something?
     
  5. HopeFloats

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    I am hoping to start meeting some single ladies : ) My friends who are going tonight are a couple plus a woman who's about 20 years older than I am (& I'm not interested). But the idea is to put myself out there and meet people.
     
  6. Precious Venus

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    That's great! Every person we meet may not be the love of our life, but they migth just know someone who knows them. :slight_smile:

    I had dinner tonight with a gay girl I've just met. It's just platonic, but it's all about networking with people in the know.

    Hopefully we can both overcome our crushes and find true love!
     
  7. Precious Venus

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    Hi Hope, how're you doing? I hope you're progressing. :slight_smile:

    I haven't been able to stop obsessing over my crush... it's so unhealthy. She missed a class today so I checked her FB page, saw a message from another girl (an underwear model, no less) and got insanely jealous. Messed up, huh?

    Anyway, the point for the story is, I got thinking about why I have invented this love affair in my head. Sure, she's a pretty, smart, funny, talented and sexy girl but she's not the most amazing person in the whole world and most importantly, she's not that into me, so clearly she must be flawed. I got googling and found this article. Yes it's directed at guys and no, I don't endorse the bit where he tells you how many women you ought to sleep with,but the rest of it was quite insightful.

    In particular, the bit about hope really struck a chord with me. My life was sucky at the time so I created something in my head to hope for. Obviously the initial attraction was real, but the reason I held on to it even after she effectively rejected me (I gave her my number, she never gave me hers or called me) is because I have needed a fantasy future to believe in.

    Anyway, I feel I've had a bit of a breakthrough tonight and it made me think of you and your crush. I wonder if you will find the article helpful too?
     
  8. HopeFloats

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    Well, I came out to her on Thursday. I had to get to the point where I was not coming out to her because I was expecting anything from her. My coming out to her wasn't about my crush on her - it was really just in the interest of being authentic and honest on my part. She did tell me about her partner, acknowledging that I probably already knew. She also told me that another woman I know (and like) at the office is gay. She asked if I was seeing anyone and when I said no, said she'd be on the lookout for singles closer to my age. My crush is about 10 years older than me. I held my tongue and did not say I preferred older women. What restraint! Anyway, I am still attracted to her but the crush is not as overpowering. I was on vacation Monday and today and have just 2 days left in the office. And I really am trying to meet more women. I did strike up a conversation with a yoga teacher on vacation : ) So that gave me confidence even though nothing happened.

    I can't access that article without signing up. But that's my update. I agree with the part I could see- that it's the idea we create in our head that becomes so appealing. Who even knows what the reality would be? Only way to find out is to meet an available woman!!
     
  9. HopeFloats

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    Just in case anyone is wondering... This has turned into drama. Basically, after I changed offices, we communicated even more via text and email. At some point it crossed a line. Then we had to have a conversation about boundaries because of her being in a relationship. But that turned into a big conversation that we feel the same way for each other. She ended up telling her partner about her feelings for me. Now I am trying to give her space to figure out what's going on there. If she wants to stay in her relationship or not. It is really hard because she is all I think about. It was pretty amazing to discover that it wasn't one sided. But the reality is terrible.

    I am on a dating website now, trying to meet others. I told her I couldn't put my life on hold. If she does leave her partner, that would be a huge, huge deal and would take a lot of time.
     
  10. Tightrope

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    Yes, it has evolved. Since women discuss feelings more so than men, I could see how it headed down that road, to where the cards are on the table. I'm glad you're on a dating website. I'd consider a couple of things. Granted, you may like her a lot, but is there a part of it that is "forbidden fruit" (a person in the workplace) and/or availability (a person in the workplace)? Also, would being selected when someone is encumbered, so to speak, indicate that her relationship potential is tenuous? I'm just thinking of things. I'd want someone to come into my life from "available" status, and less so from on the rebound.

    But, these rebounds can work, and one that comes to mind is a married couple that was getting together, through work, while he was divorced and she was cheating on her husband. They're still together and it seems to be working well because of yin-yang traits, but she has been in therapy over the guilt associated with cheating.

    I have had from afar intrigue over certain people in work settings in larger places of employment where knowing people was not always possible. If in a smaller place, you knew everybody and it was easier to be less intrigued. I then decided to "man up" and deal with it, later in life, by being on a conversational basis with such people early on so I didn't develop this from afar thing, which I sometimes had in college. In one company, I would have been about 28, and there was one guy who looked like a mid 40s Gregory Peck-alike in middle management, and being around him in the elevator lobby or wherever made me fidgety. I found out he was incompetent and the "good ole boy" system protected him by shuffling him around middle management closed-door office type positions.

    Ok, your situation is interesting, but common. People in the workplace can throw us for a loop.
     
    #10 Tightrope, Oct 1, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2013
  11. Dragonbait

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    Hey Hope. As dramatic as it all sounds, there is such an unparalleled feeling that accompanies what you're going thru. It's like this constant rush of excitement and endorphins. Sometimes you feel like you'll just flutter apart from the butterflies in your stomach, your heart, your head, your hands...

    And as incredible as that all feels, and as much as I hate to be a Debbie-Downer, I do have to say that Tightrope has a valid point. How much of that has to do with the 'forbidden fruit' aspect of this woman? Yes, she may very well be 'all that' and more, but first your crush and not wanting her to know and now her knowing and reciprocating despite her relationship status, it all just adds and adds to the feelings you experience from that initial attraction.

    There is quite a lot to be said for becoming acquainted with a person and having those incredible feelings grow exponentially and naturally as you discover more and more about the person vs being blindsided before you really really know them.

    And as a disclaimer, I have to tell you that I never actually thought this way until I read your last post and Tightrope's reply. It stirred some thoughts and questions in me, regarding my own past relationship that made me seriously reconsider and then revise my own perspective.

    I met my future ex-husband in a bar, gave him my business card and he called me for a date four or five days later. We had two dates, discussed the possibility of a third and I told him I'd get back to him. When I called him to respond, a woman answered his phone, said he wasn't available and offered to take a message. I didn't hear back from him for awhile and when he did call, it was obvious he never received the message. He invited me to a party he and his housemates were hosting at the beach for the 4th of July.

    I went to the party where he pulled me aside to tell me that the woman who had answered the phone on my last call was a recent ex, who he had been w/for 7 years. My call made her very jealous and after speaking with me she decided she wanted to get back together with him. He told me that the day after his party, he was going to visit her to decide if they were going to marry or end it for good. He then told me that if they did decide to end the relationship for good, I could possibly be the best thing that had ever happened to him.

    I hardly knew the guy, he seemed nice enough, he was all the things that a woman should look for in a man, but apart from that? I certainly wasn't bowled over, but suddenly there was all this drama and emotion entering the picture. Now I started to feel like I hadn't even had much of a chance, his own words about me being 'the best thing' definitely swayed me, and the fact that there was this huge decision - marry her or date me - in the balance, it all had an affect on me.

    So I left the party, feeling like my fate was in the balance. (talk about dramatic :dry:slight_smile: I waited five days, and when I heard from him finally (boy was I pissed that he made me wait that long) he told me they had broken it off for good and he couldn't wait to see where our relationship would lead. I made him grovel for making me wait, which he did quite well. Three weeks later he told me I would marry him some day, and 4 months later he proposed.

    This is a really long way to go for me to say that reading what's going on with you now, and then what Tightrope suggested, made me think that the whole 'her or me' thing kind of catapulted me into something much bigger and much faster than I probably would have gone had the dating thing just progressed without those outside influences. I've often wondered why I ever married him (he was so my polar opposite and so contrary to everything that had ever appealed to me) - but I pretty much just thought that it was because he was the best candidate to fit the expected profile, the ideal for what I was supposed to be aspiring to in life. But now suddenly I wonder if there weren't other forces at work.

    So I guess, what I'm really trying to suggest is that if she does come to you, free from commitments, don't just fall into something because of that rush of emotion you've been feeling. Try to take an objective step back and take your time. I can't possibly envision a way you'd regret it.
     
  12. Tightrope

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    Well, the question I have of Hope is whether or not getting closer, or a cooling of the jets, would impact her work situation or if there is enough buffer and/or maturity between them to handle this graciously, whichever way it proceeds.
     
  13. Lovetoski

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    Hope floats... Been there done that. Pardon my crass response, but trust me... Don't shit where you eat. Work and dating do not mix. I am speaking from experience. Best of luck
     
  14. HopeFloats

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    We don't work for the same organization any more. I started my new job in mid August. So that's not the issue. It's the fact that she's in a relationship. We are staying friends and probably communicating too much. I told her I am not going to have an affair with her. If she wants to leave her partner, then she can do that. I really wish she would, I'm not going to lie about that. But in the meantime, I do have a date with someone else next week. We knows I'm not going to wait around for her. It's just a really hard situation because we crossed an emotional line.
     
  15. Tightrope

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    It's probably good that you don't work for the same organization.

    Everything else will work itself out, one way or another.