I'm finding it hard

I found out after I came out that many of my friends were very supportive. I didn't think they would be. Some, however, were total bitches about it (I'm going to hell and all that stuff).

I honestly believe that when LGBT people come out, it makes a big difference in the lives of those who know that person. They see us as just like them in most respects. Case in point - I was pretty homophobic and hateful due to being a fundamentalist Christian. I hid myself quite well and pretty much convinced myself that my attraction to women was a fluke. Well, my oldest son came out as gay when he was 13. It changed my whole attitude. Not overnight mind you, but it helped me come out several years later.

 

Hell yes it makes sense. Most of the things you've said I could say about myself! I get what your saying because I think we're at a similar place. It's all too easy to worry about losing friends, and I'm sorry to hear this worries you so, but that's only one side of the coin. Maybe some will fall away, but I reckon less than you think. Unless you're living in a very small narrow minded town. Your instinct is good on that point, if they choose that road then how real as friends were they? And what about the friendships yet to be by coming out? And the present friendships that might be supportive or get deeper and stronger? Think of that instead. This is for the rest of your life Pippi.

I've had the lucky experience sometimes of straight people who have spared me the trial of coming out to them and just told me "i know and it's fine with me" They just picked it up. They're still friends, they couldn't give a damn. But I've still got a lot of work to do, and it's a process which is different for everyone. For some it's rapid and for others a long journey. In your forties it's not so easy is it. But you have a right to pick and choose how you do it and with whom. If you come out first to people you're comfortable with and sure of, or who already suspect and like you for you then you're strengthening yourself for doing it with others later. Sometimes the opposite could work- just coming out to complete strangers when there's an appropriate opportunity. Just dropping it in casually. You lose nothing if they think ill of you.

Dating -can't tell you much. My thoughts are that just widen your social circle gradually, get out and do things without intent to date and you'll end up attracting, or being attracted by others and "seeing each other" just kinda starts to happen. Don't be overly preoccupied with "dating" ( some people treat it like a competitive sport) just be, and be with others. Course, there's nothing wrong with hurrying it up a little either when it suits you.

Lastly, I want to thank you Pippi for your response to my post. It's been a tough time, a lot of heartache, but it's also strengthening me. I think your instincts on that one co-incide with mine, and you put it neatly.

Live and become

 

Hi Pippi--

Yes--everything you said makes perfect sense.

As far as your friends are concerned, what Biotech said is true, and it's something I've sometimes forgotten in the process of coming out. Our coming out does impact our friends. Even our true and honest friends need a little time to adjust their image of us.

It's not that we become completely different people, of course, but we are going through significant personal change. As we come out and grow more fully into who we are becoming, some changes are likely. I believe that in my case, they're positive changes, but they're still changes. Our true friends will always love us, but they don't have access to the thoughts and emotions in our heads. They aren't there for every step of the process. Even if we're in close touch and we confide in them often, it's often difficult or impossible to explain and express everything that's happening inside of ourselves. And so what we may see as gradual or natural change, they may see as sudden change.

Additionally, our friends may have a lot of preconceived notions of what it means to be gay--even innocuous ones. They may be feeling us out to see if we start to fit those notions. And they may be too embarrassed to come right out and ask us, or they may feel like they're intruding on our privacy.

I've also learned that as OK as our friends may be with the concept of our homosexuality in the abstract, seeing us with our partners, and being physically affectionate with them, is something entirely different. That may take some getting used to for them, too.

All of this is to say that as we honor the changes we're going through, so should we respect the need for adjustment time that some of our friends will have.

And as you say, some of your friends may drop you. That is certainly sad, and you'll mourn the loss of the relationship. But if they drop you because you're gay, then that suggests a fundamental difference in your value systems, something that may have reared its head sooner or later anyway.

And a true friend supports you in times of need and personal growth. They may need some adjustment time, but they will always come back to you.

What I have found to be true as well is that you'll meet many new people as you come out of the closet. Some of them you'll like, some you won't, but those in the LGBT community are never going to judge you for being gay. You'll find you're able to make friends without your sexuality being an issue. It's very freeing.

Lastly, and I know this has been echoed all over this site: Coming out and allowing yourself to be yourself is one of the most liberating experiences you'll ever have. It's like stepping into your own skin for the first time. You may chose to come out to everyone, to only a few, or just to yourself to start, but the feeling is undeniably wonderful.

I came out only a few months ago, and here's what happened since:

1. I'm in the middle of a very nasty divorce
2. My ex stole my car and left me with only 400 dollars to my name
3. He's dragged me to court to fight over issues that weren't even legally sound
4. He's outed me to everyone he (and we) know
5. He took all of the furniture in the house. Right now, I'm using a box as a coffee table.
6. He refused to pay support to me for the one month I needed it
7. He has yelled at me and blamed me for everything, going so far as to tell me I was "irresponsible" for marrying him in the first place.

Has it been worth it? Absolutely. Would I do it over again knowing what would happen? Without hesitation.

Because, in that same time, I have:

1. Met a wonderful woman
2. Have meet many friendly and caring people in the LGBT community in my town
3. Have made many new friends
4. Have come out to everyone who matters.
5. Have felt like my true self for the first time in my life
6. Got a job a love--one I wouldn't have pursued otherwise
7. Have a sense of inner peace that is entirely new.

I know how scary this process is. But there's so much potential for growth and happiness in becoming yourself.

Come here often as you continue to deal with the situation. There's a lot of support and advice to be had. We've all been there.

--Zoe

 

Hi Pippi (although I gotta say it feels a little weird having Annika giving Pippi advice or perspective...usually, I think the flow of information went the other way *wink*),

I agree with Zoe about the change thing and giving people space to adapt. The point is that you are in a process (whether or not it feels that way), in flux...and so you really aren't the same person they got to know (of course, last year, you weren't the same person they knew 2 years ago either). So not only is their view of you changing, because they suddenly know something about you that they didn't know before (and don't know about most people, for that matter), but *you* are changing.

But Dr. Seuss said it best with his "those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter." I've held to this throughout my life, and have shed a number of jerks as a result. Just be firm in your own view of yourself: if that's positive, then nobody has a right to gainsay it.

Just don't take initial "awkwardness" as a negative...it just means that they are in flux, too, and that's normal. Initial outright negativity, yes, that's a problem, and you shouldn't put up with it. But awkwardness isn't rejection...but it could feel that way if you're feeling particularly vulnerable.

Your "not interested in dating" strategy sounds like an interesting one...but dammit, you deserve to be interested in dating, and you should proudly own that. rather than feeling you have to hide behind its opposite.

 

It makes perfect sense to me. All my life I have gravitated more towards women and remember my mom telling me as a teen that I needed to quit hanging out with some of my friends because she thought they might be lesbians. I tried to make myself straight. Dated a few guys. Had my son, but his father n I just were not going to work out. People n family were always trying to hook me up. I always would make some excuse. Not ready, been so independent that I cant tolerate being in relationship, etc. My 27 year old son finally told me that I needed to find a life partner. It all started to click. He knows. Some of my friends know. I am just very ambivalent about finding out for sure n when will I know for sure n when to tell others. Ok Pippi, I am really sorry started off replying to u and made this about me. Guess what I am trying to say is I can relate.

 

What you say is totally true with me, one exception, I am male, I am gay. Only difference, I am not a lesbian. Otherwise, we are the same - close to the same age as well.