Why do I sabotage my search for a real guy?

Hi Folks

So I’ve been out to my wife now for 4 months (!) . We haven’t talked about it much but she seems OK about it even joking that I caused the boiler to break over the last weekend in the hope that the cute repair guy would return .. No such luck, the guy that turned up was not that cute. She suggested that I hurry up and get a boyfriend(s) who was handy round the house so we could get things done. Yes that’s correct; she suggested I should get a boyfriend!!

So what’s my problem? So far I have not made the effort to go out looking to meet guys, I did try to go visit a group for newly out guys but it was closed for a few months because it was entering new leadership and I have not made contact to see if it’s restarted. I have tried various phone apps but most times I get hits from guys in late teens / early 20s or faceless profiles that are not what I am looking for. I have had better luck on web based sites where you can type meaningful messages but here is the strange thing, when I look at local guys I always “Remove Track” so they don’t know I’ve looked at them, it’s like I’m sabotaging my search effort :bang:. I can’t understand why I do this, is it that I am still in denial? But that doesn’t make sense since I have put 3 or 4 clear face photos on the sites I use.

I seem to have switched all my search efforts into hunting down porn (still photos) on the internet and can spend 3 – 4 hours a day searching and cataloguing “my Ideal Guy”, I started doing this after reading Joe Korts book which made realise I didn’t know what sort of guy was my type. This is causing me real issues with work.

Do I just need to go down the local sauna and get some action to rebalance my life and deal with all the pent up frustration, and then get down to searching for a guy for a more FWB type of relationship?

Any suggestions would be welcome.

SaleGayGuy

 

Hi Skiff

Good question, I don’t really know what my base needs are, do I want a Mr-Right-Now or a Mr-Right

It’s like I don’t really want to approach guys for fear of being rejected, also feel guilty approaching guys even though I have permission to play from the wife. I think it was you who mentioned recently you got into conversations with guys on the web that suddenly disappeared after they first made contact with you, same thing has happened to me.

SaleGayGuy

 

Skiff: You are correct in that I have spent most of my adult life trying to please other people and disregarding my own feelings and needs. When I came out to my wife and we agreed to go down the route of an open Mixed-Orientation-Marriage I had not thought far enough into the future to the point where I may have stumbled across a Mr Right. As I spend time reading of other guy’s successes in finding a partner with a view to settling down together my mind turns to thoughts of a full blown gay relationship rather than FWB. Perhaps my reluctance to get involved with other guys is my self-defence to avoid getting into situations that could lead to finding Mr Right which would then paint me into a corner.

Northern Guy: Firstly welcome to EC, this is a great site and has helped me so much in the last 6 months. Sorry to hear of the loss of your partner. Thanks for your offer of support, I will try and send you a private message with my contact details since we can’t disclose our contact details in the forum however since you are a new member you won’t be able to respond until you have been a member for a while. If that does not work I use the same photo on other gay networking sites as the one in my profile page on EC, perhaps you could re message me and mention EC.

Crickett: I know I have chosen a very difficult route for now and that it would be much easier to have a clean break and restart my life as a totally out gay man doing the things I want to do when I want rather than trying to keep folks happy. But for now our financial position is such that we can’t afford to go our own separate ways and I wouldn’t want my wife to suffer. If she met someone else who could take care of her that would be fine and we could separate but I think she would rather have a sort of live in older brother rather than a husband so I don’t think she will go out looking for someone. So I’m kind of stuck.

HertsOddBall: Yep I’m thinking of going to Manchester pride. I would like to go with our gay next-door neighbours, only problem is my wife doesn’t want them to know I’m gay (off the record they already know). Planning to force the issue by telling her they probably know because someone only a few feet away has repeatedly looked at my profile on one of those phone apps that finds guys close to you.

SaleGayGuy

---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2013 at 11:46 AM ----------

Northern Guy : As I thouht, because you are a new member I can't send you a private message. I will keep a look out on the web based gay networking sites I am registers with for your message.

 

Hi Cool Bananas

I have been absent from EC in recent months because of other issues unrelated to me being gay taking up a huge amount of my time and thought.

I did come out to my neighbours who are very understanding and discrete, but without my wife’s knowledge, about 1 year ago because I was going nuts :bang: not being able to talk to anyone, they also know that I am out to my wife. She is not bothered about them knowing as such, but is worried that they may tell their friends and our other neighbours and that if the other neighbours found out she would be so embarrassed we would have to move.

So I don’t get the opportunity to talk to them openly and it’s getting me down, what’s especially irritating is that my wife often says it would be nice to have some gay friends, and she would like to go to a gay wedding.

I am planning to use the phone app ploy I mentioned in my last post to imply they already know and it would be unfriendly of me not to tell them the truth face to face and get everything out in the open. The only problem is my neighbours don’t actually use the apps themselves so I just have to pretend they have seen my profile.

The only snag with this plan is that we think my wife’s parents live next door to a gay guy and my wife may then become worried that this guy will recognise my profile and tell her parents since he knows what I look like. I do not know if this guy is on any of the dating apps / sites I use because he and his presumed, and cute, boyfriend are involved with local politics and very probably would be one of those anonymous profiles. My worry is then that my wife will want me to remove my photo from the dating apps to stop me being recognised but this would go against my desire to be open with others.

Skiff & nydtc: The strange thing about my search for my ideal type of guy is that it has turned up guys that 3 months ago I would never have been drawn too.

SaleGayGuy