Hope this is right spot for this message. New to EC and it has been a god sent to me as become whom I am suppose to be. As I stated in a prior post, had been straight (I guess) and married. Divorced unrelated to orientation and afterwards met a guy, etc. came out over two years ago. We have a fairly normal relationship somewhat low key. Everything was good until about one month ago I had an assignment in a east coast city with a big gay population. I was in town for a week and one day decided to update my look. Went into a rather fashionable store, the clerk was obviously much younger gay, and after a few minutes of chatting he found I was also. I asked him to update my look as I wanted to go to few clubs just to hang around. He ended up suggesting a few places. This guy "Alan" was so different, for lack of a better phase he was a stereotypical gay guy. The weird thing was I like him and his way. That night at the second place I stopped at I ran into Alan. He came up immediately and we started to chat. He introduced me to several of his friends and I had a great time.for the first time I was in an absolutely 100 % gay place, no pretense of anything else and it was wonderful. Alan walked me back to my hotel and the sexual tension could be cut with a knife. Since I am in a relationship I reluctantly would not do anything. We did meet the next day and again I had a hard time keeping my distance. I found myself more and more attracted to this openly very gay man. As I was leaving we kissed and I knew I was in trouble. Since then we have been in contact and frankly I am unhappy. I never felt attracted to the " stereotypical" gay but here I am. I have soften up my lines, started to change how I dress, and my bf is not happy. I feel more and more that I want to be that Stereotypical gay, I want people to know that yes I am 100% gay! When I first came out I still found women at attractive just not in s sexual way, now I can't understand ever feeling like that, I don't find them in anyway attractive. I even have found myself not mentioning that I was ever straight or ever had sexual relations with women. I certainly wouldn't lie about about it, but if I can help it I wouldn't ever mention being straight. Alan invited me back and I am afraid if I do go, my life will change yet again. However I feel I want this change, it is how I am becoming. I am crazy? This is all so strange I have no idea what is happening, any help out there? Thanks.
Sexuality can change and it's rare for sexuality to change. Here's a thread that might be able to help you. - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...fluid-sexuality-fluid-sexual-orientation.html Does that thread help you out?
The vast majority of men, regardless of whether they are naturally more in line with the common male archetype or a bit more different, have a mental block against eccentricities. Societies beliefs of the etiquette of a man is definitely one of the deepest ingrained expectations in society. So there is a mental block for many of us. Many people who find themselves to be a bit different or disconnected from what the world expects them be have a difficult time accepting themselves for who they are. Many people who are naturally more in accordance with the male archetype have difficult embracing those who don't (if do they do at all). Its something that effects us all at one point or another. First, I think it might be the best to discuss this in depth and possible break of things with your boyfriend. Personally, I more androgynous in the way I express myself, but one thing that I have always followed is that I would never date someone who wouldn't date me if I was a bit more feminine or eccentric. I don't have the time in my life to sit around and worth about whether anyone else is going to believe that my life and who I am is acceptable, especially from someone in my relationship. You deserve to be with someone that isn't going to turn up their nose simply because you wardrobe might have gotten a bit more flare. This conversation has to be had and it has to be had now, or both of your times are just being wasted. It seems that you have essentially been in a position where you have felt that it was only acceptable for you to be gay as long as you were "normal" in every other sense. You have to be exactly who you are, and the person you are with needs to be able to be comfortable with that. A homosexual being shameful because they are stereotypically eccentric makes as much sense as an Asian being shameful because they are stereotypically intelligent. Worrying about societal expectations and stereotypes will only lead you to unhappiness.
I guess I am experiencing the same thing. It's as if I have been (since coming out to myself in February) in a kind of cocoon, slowly and imperceptibly metamorphosing into something new... Suddenly, I am comfortable with eccentricity, no longer willing to hide those aspects of myself that I have unconsciously repressed. If that means changing how I dress or look to better "fit" that self-image, if only to make a clean break from the role I played until now, then, so be it. I am not willing to hide my past, I am an open book, but the past is done and I look forward to being more and more who I am.
I could have written this as well. (Except my version would probably have been less scholarly and more wisecracking. I always did kind of think of myself as an Eve Arden-type character. Another missed clue). It seems as though a lot of the younger posters on EC are often afraid (deservedly so) about coming out to parents or relatives because they are often in a very dependent position in life, and there's a real risk to their safety and security. For those of us who are slightly (hah) older, I think coming out to ourselves is often a much bigger fear, because it upsets the apple cart that we've been living in for decades. We have been hiding the fact that we're gay from the world, certainly. But we have also put a huge effort into hiding it from ourselves. Telling the few people that I've come out to felt very liberating. But owning up to MYSELF that I was gay was probably more significant, and I expect that's true of a lot of us who are past our teens or early twenties (yeah, yeah, keep going....). Once you realize how much effort you have spent hiding from YOURSELF, because YOU were afraid to think of yourself as gay--and finally decide to stop doing it--you really care less and less if the world sees you that way too. So we start acting more stereotypical gay, yeah, but really we're just acting like ourselves and the people we identify with, instead of putting on a show to be someone else. The fabulousness (that word again--shudder) is probably less of an act and less for show, when you come right down to it, than the macho swagger (or decidedly poor imitation) was.
Excellent comments all. I do feel that I am coming out of a cocoon of sorts. Day by day I feel more gay if that's possible. I am discovering that old ways thinking don't hold for me anymore. Your comments make be realize that as I become more stereotypically gay in everyday, it's ok. I like the new me I am becoming. Granted its perhaps more effeminate than I would have ever thought I might be but I never thought I would become a gay man. More exposure to the whole gay community has opened my eyes to being the gay man I want to become. Open, free, proud, and wanting everyone to know I am gay.
Reading this is making me feel like my current path is right for me. I'm coming out and starting to go to LGBT events. I want to start feeling comfortable in the community before I start dating someone. Being a lesbian is not about my attraction a particular woman, it's about me. (When I was younger it was easy to "blame" my first lover- which is ridiculous and unfair.) But also, as I settle in to my skin, and get honest about who I am, I feel like my preferences for what women I am attracted to might become more clear. Right now, I am like a teenager- almost all women are hot. So it's hard to know what I'm really looking for. I need to get more comfortable. I've never been with a really butch woman, for example. Maybe that is something I'd be more comfortable with and actually like after being out for 6 months or a year. Maybe not. We shall see!
Agreed Hopefloats, like you gay is not only whom I look for but rather who I am! Love being gay, wish I had been from the start......
