Eating me up inside...

Pardon my, out-of-nowhereness, (just joined a couple of minutes ago, rearing to post about my own troubles, but I figured it would be more polite to peruse the forums and offer my own wisdom before demanding it of others) but I would fancy myself a master of building emotional/mental/psychological walls.

Emotional walls, in my own little world, seem to be founded on a sense of comfort in the familiar. An errant pocket of breathable air caught in the middle of the status quo.

The brick and mortar are typically "It could be worse." and "This is what I stand to lose by acting."

And then it's usually finished off with a glossy coating of damaged ego. "I don't deserve any better. What I have here is my punishment for ____ (pick a mistake, because we all make em')

But what you really need to focus on is the Stuff Hits The Fan scenario. "This is what happens if it hits the fan now. This is what happens when it hits the fan later." and you'll always find that it's worse if it happens later down the road.

I find what helps is coming up with a game plan, and always keeping it on the ready. Feeling stuck is a roller coaster ride between feeling trapped and feeling empowered. You have to be ready to enact that game plan at a moment when you feel empowered.

 

Hello,

Curious, what is your utopian outcome of this?

I understand how you got there (all have similar stories), I understand not wanting to harm a person you love (wife), and I understand the exponential difference between loving your wife and loving a man. However what you want or are planning on doing is very personal.

How do you want this to play out?

Lots of guys here, various solutions who can comment.

You are not alone. You are not unique. You are among friends.

 

There are earlier quotes of a similar nature that may speak to slamming that door;

 

I guess I also have to ask the next question..

Do you wish to divorce your wife and live with this man?

 

Hey Drs-

I really like what Frosty said about it hitting the fan. Here's what been happening to me lately:

1. I am in the process of a very nasty divorce
2. He stole my car and cut off all my access to money, leaving me with only $400
3. He is refusing to pay support to me for the one month that I need it.
4. He took all his furniture (after making me get rid of all of mine earlier in the marriage, so my house is essentially empty with the except of an old sofa, my bed, and my bedroom set. Right now, I'm using a box for a table because I have nothing else.
5. He has outed me to everyone he (and we) know
6. He is cyber stalking the woman I'm seeing
7. He has been lying and bullying me through his lawyer
8. He dropped my dogs off at the kennel and left me with no way to pay to pick them up
9. I've had to have all of my locks changed
10. He's dragged me to court in order to avoid paying me any support, racking my lawyer fees in the process.

This whole thing has been far worse than my worse case scenario. Am I still glad I came out and divorced him? Yes. Absolutely--I have no regrets and I would do it all over again.

Because, in the time we've been separated:

1. I've met a wonderful woman who has been supportive and more than helpful through this process.
2. I've gotten a great job I wouldn't have looked for if we were still married
3. I feel like my real self for the first time in my life
4. I have been reminded time and time again what wonderful, loving friends I have. All of them have offered support and love beyond what I thought possible.
5. I'm at peace with myself. I'm no longer pretending to be something I'm not. I'm no longer hiding from myself. All of my family and important friends know I'm gay. I can't tell you how liberating this all is and how much inner peace it's brought me.


All of this is to say, even if things are worse than you believed possible (as my situation has become), there is also a lot of good to be gained. And the bad will fade away, but if you're being true to yourself, the good will remain.

--Zoe

 

First of all I would like to simply invite you to breathe. I mean really breathe. Take a slow deep breath and bring your awareness to that and only that. The simple act of bringing your awareness to your breath will ground you in the present moment. That is the only reality we actually have — this very moment. Everything else is constructed narratives about the future or reflections on the past.

Now with regard to your situation, it's time to let go. Let go of the narrative you constructed about yourself, about your married life, about your wife — and here is the tough one — about your future (what will happen when you come out to your wife, as well as, an imagined future with the man you love). Breathe and let go. You have no control over what will happen, how people will respond, the repercussions, reactions, etc. All you have control over is how you will respond and/or react to what will happen. Right now it sounds like you are letting your thoughts and fears run the show. Try and let your heart (your intuition) be your guide. If you hold the intention to do as little harm to others as possible while remaining true to yourself then all will be as it should be, it can't help but be that way.

You have no control over how your wife will respond, she will probably be hurt and feel betrayed or deceived; she may already have an inkling and will be relieved to learn that it isn't her; she may love you so much and wants you to be happy. Anything could happen. But know that how she responds and what she does with the information is all part of her work and you cannot do her work for her. The truth is often very difficult and painful, but it always clears the path for the work that needs to be done. We all have our own work to do in this lifetime and we waste too much precious time distracting ourselves from it in order to avoid doing it.

Spend a little quiet time with yourself focussing on your breathing and asking yourself, "What is it that is calling for attention, that is needing to be done in this moment?" Trust the answer you get and enter the stream. Like Zoe said above, there will be some painful moments ahead, but there will also be good. Pain is unavoidable, suffering is not. Suffering comes from living in our thoughts and fears rather than our hearts and not allowing the present moment to simply flow through us. We tend to grab hold of things along the way and refuse to let go. Now is the time to let go and choose love over fear.

I wish you ease and clarity fellow traveler.

 

Wonderful response, Bipossible.

 

Parts of your post I understand, parts I don't. The parts I don't is that I have never been married and I have not experienced the dynamics of married life. You asked the question why you can state I am Gay! to yourself and not to your wife and others.

This is a process. Let me give you an example. For a long time I could say to to myself that I am straight. This is a lie. Then I proceeded to say I am gay curious, this is also a lie but closer to the truth. Finally, I can say I am gay which I am now being honest with myself. These conversations were with just myself.

Now I must move forward and do the same conversations with others. My thoughts are you may experiencing the same thing. You may be able to say I am Gay to yourself. However, you are unable to say this to your wife. The reason could be two fold. First, you do not want to be hurt and rejected by her. Second, you do not know what her response(s) will be. Will her response be positive as Honey, I knew that, you will be Okay, or You're what? Are you telling me you are an expletive expletive expletive Gay man? We have been married for x years and now you want a man? Damn you!

I think this is the response that you fear. Also, you may fear that if you are honest, you will lose her as a friend, if she is. And you will also definitely lose her in a divorce. You may not be sure if you want to divorce. Your wife will probably want to move forward with here life too. She is upset and her response his hurtful to you. This is your fear and you haven't discussed and of these with her. In addition, you did not state if there are children in this marriage. Your wife would also bring this variable into the situation if you do have children.

I hope this helps.

Craig

 

drs —*I invite you to reread your response to Crickett, particularly the part where you say, "So much of my life is built around this lie. Coming out will destroy the foundation that my life is based on."

Consider this, if your life is built upon a foundation of inauthenticity and lies what sort of a foundation is that? If we extend the building metaphor, is that the kind of foundation you would like to build a house upon in which to live and grow and love?

When we remodel or rebuild there is inevitably some demo that will have to be done. Those building blocks that once served us but are no longer needed will need to be discarded so that a new, wonderful, authentic structure can rise up in its place. If you ever watch any of the renovation shows on TV (my personal favorite being "Love It or List It") invariably as they start to tear down walls they discover hidden rot or faulty electrical, etc. and have to revise their plans. Renovation is unpredictable that way. So is life. But if you never take a sledge hammer or perhaps something more delicate to the walls and foundation you will never know of the hidden dangers and rot that lie waiting. And trust me, they will eventually make themselves known.

This renovation work is what I believe to be Our work in this life. Many people try to simply wallpaper over it all; some people choose to just ignore it; some people try to spend as little time as possible inhabiting their "homes." These people lose out on the opportunity to build something truly masterful, authentic, and brilliant.

Start small, but start something and focus on the job at hand and try not to get too ahead of yourself. If you are truly present you will know what kind of house to build for yourself, but you have to start with a solid foundation.

 

drs, its sound like going the path to gay is right way for you. I know its difficult but in the end you will both be better off. Living a lie is not easy, coming out gay is not easy, but on balance once you come out it over and you can move on to love this man. If you not it just keeps getting worse. Good luck.

 

DRS
I really feel for you. Without meaning to sound like Ecclesiastes, there is sometimes a time to enter marriage and sometimes a time leave it. Marriage is a dynamic thing and it is sometimes runs a short course-or should be allowed to. Consider that if it isn't working as it should (and it it is not), then in dissolving it you're not just freeing yourself but your wife also. The telling isn't easy, but it's actually an act of love and respect- to her and to yourself. If you can both keep that in sight, then I think it will be easier. And possibly an end to your marriage might save your friendship with her. On a positive note, I knew a man who came out to his wife and children- lost none of their love & respect. He just relinquished one role (husband) which had served its purpose. It can happen.

Good luck

 

Drs
A second post from me because your struggling.
I found your earlier post about the letter you wanted to give your wife. Good for rehearsing and for clarifying your thoughts, but I think not wise to give it to her. It will seem...evasive, when you've been evasive in the past. It just puts off confronting it with her in person which will happen anyway. You will sweat it out even more waiting for this. Perhaps the letter might end up shown to others. Choose your time, tell her in person, and bear what comes. Don't overthink it.

 

Because you know this isn't going to end well.

You know she will reject you. You also know she will deny it at first, then bargain with you, then get angry that you dared to turn gay on her, then she will get all sad... you may be forgetting that eventually she will accept this.

You also built this life together and lets face it, you are no spring chicken - the big Four -Oh (40) is right around the corner and that is a cold slap in the face that reminds you of our mortality, and that you need to get your chickens all in order soon.

The consequences here are many, with known outcomes (I bet she will demand alimony, and child support if you have kids).

Right now you are safer with not saying anything and continuing the charade. Well you feel safer - though miserable, it feels safer.

Undoubtedly you love her in some measure, and its natural that if you love and care for someone you don't want to hurt them...

You will need to reach the point where you realize and understand that this isn't going to end well, that she is going to be hurt, that a lot of ugly will come raining down. Accepting all of that then standing there and proceeding to rip her and your world apart will be possible.

No - not easier - but you will have the ability to do what needs to be done.