What's it like being married to a MOS while gay?

This is (obviously) taken from a guy's perspective, but I want to answer because I'm there right now, asking some of the same questions of myself.
To start of, the easy question to answer is, did I enjoy having sex with my spouse? Absolutely. I've read that some gay guys have to fantasize about being with a man in order to "perform" with their spouse. I can honestly say that I never had to do that. I will say though that sex with my spouse was never as physically and, more importantly, emotionally fulfilling as I've found sex with a man to be. After we were married, my desire for sex simply started to decline until it was non-existent.

Did I have doubts before I was married? Absolutely. I knew I was physically attracted to men. I had even had sex once or twice. But I wasn't running around wearing rainbow and unicorn t-shirts, so I couldn't be gay! I believed that my love for my wife was strong enough to keep my desires safely hidden deep inside, never to be heard from again.

I can't tell you what changed. I don't know when it happened. I just know that my desires finally got the best of me, and now I'm in an affair with another man. So now I'm married, have 2 wonderful children, house, cat, dog, etc - the perfect life - Except it's all based on a lie.

 

This is what scares me to death.. I am avoiding situations where I am "alone" with gay men for fear of weakening. Every pore of my body is screaming for me to start back up

I, like Drs, believed that with how much I loved my wife, we could work through my sexuality...

I am scared now

 

I don't think relationships of any kind are all that black and white or clear cut. We connect with people out of a subconscious desire for need fulfillment. Partly out of how our culture is structured and partly out of shear ignorance we tend to construct narratives in our minds that tell us that we will find the "one" person who will fulfill all of our needs. I mean seriously, is that realistic?

I am bisexual and have known that forever. I do not believe in placing myself somewhere along the Kinsey scale because it has been my experience (both personally and other) that sexuality is more fluid than not. I was out to my wife when we dated, when I proposed, and when we got married. At that time I chose an MOS because I desperately wanted to create a family and in my personal narrative (and also back in the 80s the cultural narrative) told me that the only way to achieve that was through a hetero normative marriage. After we got married it was very easy (and albeit convenient) for me to disavow my same sex attraction and push it to the background. We were busy being newly married, we were finishing school, starting careers, buying a house, and having a child. Eventual however, my disavowed self came a knocking and asking for attention. So here I am in my 50s having explored a poly life for a couple of years now, but realizing that lifestyle is really hard to sustain for all parties concerned. My wife and I are now in the process of redefining our relationship. She is part of my "family" and always will be so I know we will be fine. We have lived with together longer than apart. But we are not the same people (thank god) that we were 29 years ago, and our needs are no longer the same. My need for family now fulfilled I am looking to continue down my pathway of self actualization.

All things change; the trick is being able to hold them lightly enough so that they can grow and evolve as they are intended to. I would invite you to try and simply be present in the moment and try not to exert too much energy constructing narratives about the future, which are just fictions anyway, that may but probably won't materialize as you have imagined. Try to find contentment with the present moment knowing all along that things will change, they always do. Listen to your heart (your intuition) or love more and your thoughts or fear less.

As for me knowing that I had same sex attractions when I got married and now am transitioning into a more gay lifestyle would I have done things differently? No, not on your life. I would have missed out on some very important experiences and opportunities for personal growth and development. Life is a journey and not a destination and in this very moment you are right where you should be — you couldn't be anywhere else but here.

 

To say that it is a difficult life is no enough. It's funny I have always been gay and my wife knows it but I never acted on my desires until a year or so ago. I love her and we are definitely best friends. I am one of those that had to fantasize about men while having sex with her. However that ceased to be a problem about 15 years go when sex stopped completely. Religion was my crutch for many years thinking God would make me straight yeah right religion is just a crutch for the weak after many years of I know gay is gay it never changes.

Now to the painful part. I have seen men sexually over the last year and a half thinking I could have sex and not a real relationship with a man. Well not long ago I met a truly remarkable man. I spend every chance I can with him. I am falling in love with him. I take him out of town with me on business and with me every chance i get, life is now becoming very different. I have a lover that is a friend and I know I will have to make a decision in the future if things go the way I expect. Never in my life did I think this would happen but he is so kind so loving and just plain wonderful. I am giving myself to him completely.
I have told him that I need time and he agrees to that. And is putting zero pressure on me.
I think I have time on my side to get things in order.
To answer your question succinctly is difficult at best but this is what I now face. I do not think it is any different with women although we for the most part are I believe different emotionally. (Please don't attack me for saying this I have been with both and find men together easier) that said I have never been a woman with another woman either.
For me life is exciting and wonderful and crappy and stressfull at the same time. I hope my rambling has been of some value. Whyme10

 

I was in this position too. Well, not exactly, but I really started realizing that I was gay, not bi while I was married to a man. I really, really loved him as a friend and person and I thought I was attracted to him, but I was not able to be sexually fulfilled unless I fantasized about women... I thought he was very handsome, just like I can appreciate handsomeness in men now. I can find a guy handsome or acknowledge that he's attractive, but even kissing guys grosses me out and back then, I thought I might be asexual or just be someone who doesn't like physical contact, but I had not experienced anything with a women then, so I had no idea til later what was really going on. I was as straight as straight can be outwardly, but I was severely depressed and anxious about living the rest of my life being miserable and trapped in a marriage with someone I loved and deeply cared for, but wasn't happy with because he was the wrong gender! Trust me, I felt terrible and like I was a bad person. Even after that I was so insecure and unsure of myself and my feelings and scared of being the real me that I dated guys after him. Everyone knew me as straight, so I didn't know what to do. Only recently have I gotten to the point where I HAVE to be myself, I just can't live a lie anymore. It's also not fair to the guys I've dated and that has been a big motivation. It's lonely, depressing and scary to be in that kind of situation, so I completely empathize. Sending support and positive vibes to you!

 

I, like many here, wanted a normal life and kids and thus got married, knowing full well I was excited by sex with men and preferred both male faces and bodies. I, however, kidded myself that I was ONLY into guys sexually and nothing else. The double life and deception barely bothered me until a few years back. I sneaked out for a hook-up and ended up feeling something for the guy, who I never saw again, but I had changed forever in that night. I realised I am a) fooling myself b) letting life slip by with a web of lies. It was like a locked door to a part of my brain that had been in the deepest denial was just bashed open and there was the real me....a gay man. later that night and the following day I came out to everyone and a month later I moved out (but am on great terms with my ex-wife)

 

Its a difficult position to be in for sure. I have been married for 18yrs now, I have always known that I was attracted to men. As the years quickly passed and after several children my desires to be with a man became overwhelming, it became more difficult for me to continue fulfilling my obligations as a man to my wife. several months ago my wife and I were sitting around watching a movie that was gay themed, we were talking about what we would do if one of our children turned out gay. well the discussion spiraled and my wife told me that she could see being attracted to another woman. I took that as a Segway into coming out to my wife, she in turn came out to me and told me that she had always known that she was a lesbian. she explained to me the many difficulties that I was all too familiar with. we expressed the love that we have for one another and the unbreakable friendship that we have with each other. I could not have expected having such a good outcome.

I guess what I'm saying is I know all too well the difficulties from both the gay man's perspective as well as the perspective of a lesbian that entered into marriage for what many call a normal life. I can tell you it's very difficult on both ends there are too many "what ifs" and the longer you're in the marriage stronger your desires become and it will eat you up slowly. and after 18 years the part that can hurt your straight partner the most is knowing that they were not the object of your desires. luckily for me my wife and I were in the same boat but I can only imagine how painful it would be if either of us were staight.

Yes I had doubts as did my wife. our sex life had always been enjoyable, but are you really connecting when you have a movie reel playing over and over in your head of someone other than your spouse. but we are great friends we love each other and I wouldn't change a thing about how my life has played out, but I do realize that my situation is nowhere near typical

Jae

 

It's not an easy thing....like many others here, I got married knowing that I was attracted to men and even had to dispose of a small stash of gay porn before my wife moved in. But I never identified myself as "gay" because in my incredibly limited experience with sex and relationships, "gay" denoted something more like a chosen life STYLE than a hard-wired sexual/emotional ORIENTATION. So I had a whole cheery future built up in my head of a bunch of kids and a happy life, and who knows, under different circumstances, I still think in theory it could have worked.

Problem is, I (and a lot of other married gay guys here) went into the marriage messed up, and married a messed-up person as a result. So in addition to the pressure I put on myself by marrying the wrong gender, I married someone whose mental issues made the intimacy problems worse and gave me even more of a reason to shut down than the fact that I was gay. I really didn't mind sex with my wife at all, until I started realizing that the emotional effort I was putting into connecting with her was really never being reciprocated. I am really not trying to blame her (completely) and I'm not suggesting that if she were sane, I would ever have felt completely emotionally fulfuilled with her. It would always have been a struggle on my part and I know that. But I really believe in my heart that the final nail in the coffin was her inability to meet me even a fraction of the way, and I also believe that my own denial caused me to seek out someone in as bad (or worse) a shape as I was, which doomed it from the start.

The one upside of all this is that I have 2 kids out of this that are really amazing and I love to death. One of them has a pretty good idea that I am at least not 100% straight and is OK with it, and the other will be too. Doing what's best for them has not been easy and continues to be a challenge as things crumble around me, but they give me a lot of strength. They are what keeps me from thinking of the last 20 years as a total waste of time and effort.