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Super late in life....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Teal, Aug 3, 2013.

  1. Teal

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    I'm pretty embarrased to post this, but Empty Closets seems to be the right place to present my situation.

    I got sober 18 years ago, and haven't had an initimate relationship since.

    Frankly, before I got sober, relationships consisted of drunk/stoned sex with very hot men. I'm 59 years old, not attracted to men, in fact dislike men, but never considered that maybe I would like to be with a woman instead. All this thinking about sexual orientation began with a dream I had last week in which I met and got quickly engaged to a lovely woman. I woke up from the dream remembering that the feeling I had was "finally, something for me that I can feel happy about". Like alot of people, I loathe the idea of coming out as gay. But why else would an attractive, fit woman with a great personality have no sex/love life whatsoever for 18 years, and have not interest in dating men? I feel like I've been wanting to have some iota of enthusiasm for dating men but I don't. On the other hand, I often meet women that, though I don't view them sexually or romantically, I definately view them as potential partners, people I can spend alot of time with. None of them ever work out, though. It always feels like my secret ambitions are way different than theirs.

    I can understand having no truly intimate relationships when I was a drunk, but I've been clean, sober, and sane for 18 years without anything at all - no dating, no sex, no intimacy at all. I have concluded that I'm so f--d up that I can't have a relationship with a man, but it hasn't really occurred to me until I had that dream that maybe I fit better with my own sex.

    If anyone identifies with this, please let me know. Thanks for reading this.

    Teal
     
  2. Nick07

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    Hi, there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

    The longer you go without sex, the easier it gets. Do you have friends? Or are you staying at home all the time? Do you have a LGBT center near you?
     
  3. Teal

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    Thanks for writing Nick. I am very social in my community, I have a private client business that puts me in touch with people through my work on a regular basis. I am active in my 12 step support group, I am renting a summer cottage with a few people. My friendships come and go. No long time friends, from childhood, or "best friends" that's for sure. I attract alot of people but like I said in my original post, I am often looking for more closeness, more committment with the female friends than they are interested in.

    I am going to try to find stories about women coming out, maybe that will put some shape to my own dilemma.
     
  4. Tightrope

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    Like Nick said, the longer you go without sex, the less important it becomes. I can see what you're saying because I've watched some childhood and long-time friends taper off, but it wasn't because of altercations, but because of different life situations and the passage of time.

    First, you're up front about the sobering up you've worked on. But I think that, with the sobering, should also come the feeling that you are worthy of being loved and appreciated as you are, no? And with the description of how social you can be, this is probably the truth. Keep up the progress you've made. If you focus on getting that closeness tomorrow, to make up for lost time, it won't happen. It will happen when you're not looking. Right now, I would work on staying sober, cultivating amicable friendships, and being open to closeness when it's right and when you're feeling real relaxed about things.
     
  5. Zoe

    Zoe
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    Hi Teal,

    This is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Every single one of us on this site are on different places on our paths. And just about all of us starting with the same type of questioning you're doing.

    I agree with both the idea that the longer you go without sex, the easier it gets. I know this from long dry spells in my marriage.

    I also agree about the not forcing intimacy part--but I think you probably know that.

    Here's what I would add: The type of intimacy with a woman you're hoping for won't happen until you're open with yourself about what you want. And that has to happen at its own pace. If you're sure now that you're gay (and it doesn't sound like you are), then you don't have to announce it to everyone, but tell yourself. Look in the mirror, say the words, "I'm gay," and then own this part of yourself. You might be surprised at how liberating even admitting it to yourself can be. And by admitting it to yourself, you open yourself fully to developing more intimate relationships with women.

    If you're not there yet (and there's no reason you have to be or should be--just be where you are), then take some time to work it out for yourself. People come to new realizations about their sexualty in different ways--there's no right way, no wrong way.

    I'm not recommending or not any of these--these are only things I know others have done:

    Some people:

    1. look at same-sex porn to see if it's arousing
    2. Talk to gay/lesbian friends they have about their experiences and how they reached their own conclusions
    3. Read coming out stories online and in books
    4. Examine LGBT site and see if things speak to you
    5. Have a sexual encounter with someone of the same gender, sort of a test-flight, if you will
    6. Go to online dating site to meet other gay/lesbian people to establish friendships with (be a little careful with this one)
    7. Write in a journal to more closely examine their feelings--sometimes it's surprising what comes out when you write

    You have to do whatever you're comfortable with in order to become more comfortable with who you are.

    I hope this helps.

    --Zoe