Not ready, but hate living the lie

Feeling miserable when you are trying to find someone is not a good place to be, mainly because it can make you a little desperate and that is not a good stance to be in when looking for someone.

Why don't the people who are pressuring know that you are gay? Oddly enough these same people who are concerned about you, could become your best allies (and they may know somebody, or someone who knows somebody)...

 

I think I understand your dilemma. I met a man that I went nuts for very masculine like me. Motorcycles, guns all man things. He says he likes me but would not committ to going out. I text and emailed him and he says that he has a hard time making new friends but really wants to. Finally I just gave up and I have met a wonderful man whom I am falling hard for. If one sits back and does nothing they will never have anyone either. Not to sound harsh but life is just too dam short to not do what you really want. Please if you want a man go and find one there are many just waiting for you to talk to them. You may have to wade through some crappy ones but he is out there. It is not all about physical appearance either. I have been with very handsome men and not so handsome, vanity sucks I accept people for what they are on the inside and it is way way more important.
Just my two cents but don't let the rest of your life pass you by before you know it you will be too damm old for anyone including yourself. I know I am almost 66 years old and I am determined to die as happy as possible. If you want to talk more i am here for you and anyone that can benefit from my life experiences. Whyme10

 

I guess my question is this.

"What do you need to do in order to BE ready to come out?"

That feeling you have with your best friend? Where you can just be you and talk and joke and say "that guy's pretty hot"? That's the whole reason for coming out. Because once you come out completely, you don't have to be with your best friend to do that - you can be you 24/7.

You don't go into detail, so I'm not sure if there literally IS a real-life obstacle preventing you from coming out. One other than "it's a really big scary step". (Which it is - don't get me wrong.) But if there isn't, the main difference between now and two/three years from now is there'll be a different calendar on the wall. And the main rationale for doing it in two/three years is that it means you don't have to do it now. Which is fine as far as it goes, but in two/three years, you'll be where you are right now...and you may decide it's time to push it back another year or two.

I say this not to chastise or to give you grief. I just think it might be worthwhile to see what the obstacles are towards coming out, and then working on eliminating them so you can finally take that step. So you can get to that point where life DOES kick ass 24/7.

Lex

 

Like Lexington I am curious as to what exactly is holding you back. Everyone has their own process and time table for moving along their life path so if you don't feel ready that's cool, but I would invite you to spend a little time investigating why.

With regard to dating, again this is your path and so you just have to let the pressure from others roll on threw you as well intentioned as it may be. That said, there is something about beginning to build a peer group with whom you can begin to experience a more authentic life. There are many online dating sight where you can list that you are interested in friendship and leave it at that. There will be those who will try and pressure you for something more for which you may not be ready, but you just need to uphold whatever boundaries you set. I have met several dear and close friends via Adam for Adam and even Mister. We never ventured into "dating," but we get together for dinner, coffee, movies, bike rides and the like. It is liberating to have these people in my life with whom I can confide and share my experiences. Some of those guys are not out yet themselves and we share that experience as well.

As for coming out I am unclear as to where you are at with regard to your family. Do they know the reason for you separation? Do any of your other close friends know? I found that with the vast majority of my really close friends and family members that when I came out their response was pretty much, "well duh." I had built up a highly distorted narrative in my head about what it would be like and it turned out to be nothing like that at all. That said, I did lose a couple of friends to whom I felt really close, in fact they are the god parents to my son. It was painful I won't lie, but being able to live a more authentic and open life and the new relationships I have built as a result have more than made up for the loss.

This is your journey and now one can dictate how you travel it or how fast. However, the Taoist have a saying that goes, "There are only two emotions —*love and fear." See if you can work your way around to choosing love instead of the fear in which you seem to be residing.

Things will unfold as they are meant to unfold. They can't help but do that.

 

Well....only you will know if/ when your ready. However, I will say having opened the closet door, every day that you stay in the closet is a day that you aren't living your true life. Which is easy, and amazing!!!
Don't you want "to quit" after all these years.

 

Then I'd suggest holding fast to those thoughts of how great it is with your friend. Because I have a feeling that'll be what leads you to take the next step. Just know that a lot of the time, it's like pulling a splinter out - the build-up is full of fear of pain and whatnot, and then it's like "Wait, that's it?"

Lex