Hey all, apologies if these questions have been asked before - I'm sure they have. I'm just feeling really anxious right now and not in the mood to wade through a lot of stuff (I am pretty new here - my second visit). If someone wants to link anything I will definitely read that. So there are a few things confusing me right now. I'll just introduce myself first - I'm 30 and I came out as a lesbian to myself when I was 20. Before that I was very interested in certain women which used to confuse me a lot. Then in college I had a very close relationship with my best friend (who is still straight ) and that was really meaningful but also heartbreaking - it's the level of friendship we have that we're still best friends. After that I made my first gay friend when I was at Uni, and from then onward there was no looking back. I've been in two serious relationships over the past ten years (plus multiple women I've been involved with casually in-between relationships) - both were very intense with lots of love and sex and everything. So there should be no doubt that I am a lesbian. However, here is the thing. Firstly I was never comfortable with being a lesbian. Both my ex-es used to identify as straight and we would never have been in a relationship if they had, at some point, not thought about this - am I in love with 'body parts' or with a person? They currently identify as bisexual and have been in relationships with both genders. To me that logic is really sound and I really don't want to discriminate against anyone. It's not just a theoretical dilemma - this genuinely upsets me because I do feel a lot of affection towards certain men. However, every time (starting with my first time with a guy to figure out 'one last time' if I was gay or not lol ) I've been with a guy (never penetration but oral on him yes), it hasn't been sexual exactly. For me it's been at the level of affection/wanting to please someone I like - I hope that makes sense. It's kind of how I would give someone a backrub, it doesn't do anything for me, except that it makes me happy to make someone else happy. Now since I last broke up with my ex, I've been single for the first time in 7 years, and these past 3 years of being single have made me start thinking about this stuff seriously. I think I never questioned anything while I was in relationships simply because I didn't think about male partners (since I was in love). I should also say that one reason I didn't like men was because many of them don't treat women with respect and I have no patience for that kind of thing. But lately (and over the years here and there) I HAVE met men I really like, I would say their views on feminism and equality often surpass mine, they are more considerate and better human beings than I am and I have a lot of respect and appreciation for them. I've also always appreciated the male body in the sense of, I definitely find it attractive (though it confuses me whether I find it attractive because I want it for myself or for its own sake ). I'm probably more 'masculine' looking because I have short hair but I definitely feel 'feminine' as a person, whatever that means. I guess culturally since I'm into sports and I tend to dress in whatever is comfortable and nice than painful and nice (high heels is definitely not my think), but I'm a strongly nurturing, almost submissive person in terms of how I express affection. (These are all stereotypes I know, I'm just trying to draw a picture here). I initiate very gently, I'm not demanding, stuff like that. I love being with 'strong' women who are confident and know what they want. So anyway, I definitely like looking at men, and I love spending time with certain men. I have HUGE issues with men who don't respect women or who hurt women, but I think that's something that every feminist man I know (I like to think of them as lesbian men, hehe!) feels. So I just want to get over my inability to be sexually active with a man. I feel like the reason I am is because of the violence in society and the disrespect that lots of men have, but why should that make it impossible for me to have sex with ANY man? I really do want to be bisexual and look beyond body parts and types. At the same time it just confuses me because I feel like there is probably some difference, maybe the kind of sex? I don't know. I don't really know what it would mean to 'submit' to a man the way I love to submit to a woman, to trust/be with her. Another thing is that every time I talk myself into 'okay I can do this with a man', and I feel like I'm in the right place mentally, some really hot woman will walk past and in those 4 seconds the Oh wow feeling that runs through me will indicate just how weak that first feeling is Still I'm wondering whether because I've never allowed myself to have real sex with a man (by real sex I don't mean penetration, just one where I'm sexually involved), I don't have any concept of being 'blown away' (metaphorically!) by a man, whereas when I look at a woman I have a very good idea of what all it can be. And one more thing is that I've slept with plenty of women who didn't exactly 'light me up' - I did because they wanted it and I wanted sex and that was it. The fact that I wasn't super interested in THEM was not really a huge issue, I could still appreciate their bodies and we could have a good time. So why can't the same thing apply with men? Sorry for the long post, this has been confusing and I was just writing out my thoughts. Hope someone can help me! Thank you in advance.
