Hi everyone, I've read many of your stories, and you sound like such a warm group of people. I really like how genuinely supportive you are of each other. I am 54 years old. I live in Birmingham, Alabama. Though I always knew I was gay, I never spoke about it. I know that my family was aware, but it was always the "Elephant in the Room," if you will. I think they started to realize around the time that I turned 30 that they shouldn't ask me about my romantic status at Christmas, as it would stir an air of awkwardness in the room. Instead, we've always discussed TV shows, work, vacation plans, and the like. I am still not out to anyone. But there is a small gay bar 10 minutes from my house. I used to see the small rainbow flag waving at its entrance, and was always both terrified and magnetized by it. Well, after literally decades of driving nervously past it, I finally decided to go this past Saturday night. I had no idea what to wear. Didn't know what kind of music I'd hear. Didn't even know what time to head over. Ultimately, my idea of what it would be like on the inside was not very accurate. I was hoping for a "Cheers" type atmosphere. Instead, it was kind of cold. I tried to start a conversation with a few college-aged guys. Not hitting on them. Just asking if they came there often, etc. Only 1 of them answered me. The others seemed like they were blatantly ignoring me. I have to admit, my feelings were hurt. I moved to the other end of the bar, and tried to talk to a few guys in their mid-30's. They seemed slightly more open to talking. But after I asked a few questions, they returned to their private conversation, and it was just me and my beer again. I was glad that I brought my cell phone to occupy my hands, at least. I left shortly thereafter. Only lasted 45 minutes. Is this a common situation? I feel very "blah" now. I had all this pent-up excitement about going...and now I'm not sure if I ever want to go back. It feels like such a Catch-22. I'd love to go there all the time, spend time with friends, and let loose. But it seems difficult to make friends in the first place.
First, welcome to EC! I really do think that grey hairs (I am assuming that's what you have) tend to make one invisible...I went to a gay bar here in Montreal last weekend, and no one approached me, only I didn't care...and kind of enjoyed being a kind of fly on the wall just observing what's going on and dancing on my own. I've come to the conclusion that gay bars are probably the worst places to find someone for a relationship. Judging from where you are, I presume there aren't a lot of places where gays can congregate. The one you found probably has a stable, long-term clientele, so you may have been seen (if seen at all) as an outsider. All I can say is that you may need to go more often, at different times (early evening vs. late evening, etc.), but there are no guarantees. Congratulations for taking that first step...Keep reading what others may suggest here, and I wish you the best of luck!
Bar scenes can be brutal. Unfortunately, because it seems like about 95% of older men approaching college-age guys are looking for sex (whether they say it immediately or a month later), the majority of younger guys I've spoken to about the problem have learned to deal with it by simply not respond at all, because, sadly, *any* response at all often makes the other person try harder. I've been told by most of my younger friends that I'm the *only* guy over 30 they've met that's never tried to hit on them or otherwise be sexual with them, and that's really sad. There's less of that going on as people get into their 30s, but a gay bar isn't the place to try to strike up casual conversation. Most are meat markets and most people there are looking for hookups, not friendships (or, in most cases, even relationships.) There are some gay bars that are more like "cheers", but they're few and far between, and even in those places, there's still a bit of a meat market mentality. Your best bet might be to develop friends first in another setting, and then go with them when they go out. You might check out meetup.com, which is sort of a clearinghouse for groups of various types throughout the world. In most decent sized cities, you'll find all sorts of different gay groups, everything from game-night groups to outing groups (theater, movies, etc), hiking clubs, pool parties, book clubs and the like. Those settings are a lot more conducive to meeting new people because they're a bit less hookup oriented (provided you don't choose a meetup that's focused on hookups!) You might also check to see if there's an LGBT community center in your area. Often those groups have social functions and newly-out support groups that can be a great place to meet new people as well. It's definitely a challenge to find your bearings, but please don't give up. It just take some time.
Welcome, Robert. Is there someone you could take with you? I found going to the gay club alone was pretty boring. Did you try buying someone a drink? That might open the conversation door. I would feel a bit obligated to talk to someone that bought me a drink. They had a drag show at the club that was entertaining. Is there a pool table or a dart board? Is it just a hook up bar?
Thank you for the replies, guys. I'm definitely feeling more hopeful about my options now. Greatwhale, I like your approach to going out in Montreal. The "fly on the wall" mentality sounds liberating. I may have a drink or two at home next time I go, and then just have a cab take me to and from the bar. Maybe I can be a little more relaxed that way. And I'll just try not to take it personally if someone ignores me. Chip, I'm just about to go to meetup.com. That seems like a really good idea. I'm actually only an hour from Atlanta, so it could very well be worth the commute to join book clubs and stuff. Thanks for the idea! BiGuy50, I'm sad to say that I did not think of buying anyone a drink. That would indeed be a good starting point in developing friends. Thanks for the tip! I will keep you all updated. Thanks again, new friends.
Robert You and I were hatched out of the same egg I think. I am 54 too. I am coming out late and have known that I was gay since I was in the 7th grade. however, I did not want to disrespect my parents so I repressed and suppressed my gay feelings. I hate bars personally. At least I did years ago. They were smoke havens. I do have a couple of suggestions that may give you some additional options and make you feel better about yourself. Years ago I was a member of an AIDS care team. Also, one night a week I would go to the AIDS Outreach Nutrition Pantry. If you want to give yourself a boost and help others at the same time. Work here and the the LGBT community. The volunteers can be fun and the events they do afterwards are fun. For example, birthday parties. This was much more warm and accepting than going to the bar. Besides, I don't drink much. Craig
Crickett, yes, we must've fought our way out of that oppressive egg together. LOL Yes, I didn't want to disrespect my parents' conservative view of life, either. Sometimes I really wish I'd been born in the 80's or the 90's. Between "Modern Family," "Brokeback Mountain," and the whole "NoH8" campaign, it's almost like being gay has a glamorous undertone. I see all these celebrities crying tears of joy at the news of the Supreme Court striking down DOMA, and I wonder "Where was this attitude in the 70's, when I could've profited from it?!?!" I must admit that I'm a bit jealous of the gay college kids these days. They glorify in their gayness, and seem to have it so easy. Meanwhile, I labeled my own feelings "perverse" and remained tight-lipped about everything well into my 50's. FIFTIES!!! I mourn all those years that I could've dated men and done the stereotypical "brunch" thing. (Some stereotypes are good, right? LOL) You offer a great suggestion about joining AIDS "task force" type organizations. I feel like this is something I could definitely do. A common purpose (and such a noble one at that!) would be an excellent way to meet people. That could probably put me in touch with "veteran gays" (I learned that term from another thread, LOL) as well. I feel like I could used some guidance from the "vets." Thanks again, Crickett, and everyone else, for your suggestions.
Hi Robert Just a thought from another hatched from the 59 egg. Perhaps you could go back to your local gay bar and have a chat with the barman, he may know or recommend other gay bars in the area with perhaps a slightly older demographic. SaleGayGuy
First and foremost; congrats on finding the courage. No matter how it turned out, finding that courage will serve you well on your way to living a life out of the closet. You know, "Cheers" was a pretty good bar to visit if you were, say, Norm. But no one ever asked the extras in the back how they found the atmosphere. They might complain how they always got the cold shoulder while the staff and the few high-profile regulars got enveloped in their own drama So, while this bar might not be your cup of tea, it does bear mentioning it's (in my experience, at least) a bit like this in all bars. There's regulars, who focus on the other regulars, and it takes some time and patience to break into that and become a familiar face. Not just in gay bars, too. It's more or less the same in every straight bar I've ever been to. Now, SaleGayGuy kind of stole my thunder in suggesting you talk to the bartender. But talking to the bartender is generally good advice, so I have no qualms about repeating it. They're the ones with a vested interest in keeping you in the bar, so they're more likely than anyone else to engage in some smalltalk. What's more, it's often easier for the regulars to overhear convo's with the bartender and chime in, instead of you breaking in to their conversations. And bartenders might know the lay of the land well and be able to point you to other establishments. Also, 45 minutes in an unfamiliar environment is... not at all bad, really. It's about how long I last without friends present, even in my regular bar where everyone knows me. If you find a place you might like, doing that for a couple of times is the best way to build a bit of a presence. Last, but very much not least... I've never made permanent new friends in bars, and that goes for gay and straight friends. So, if you were to ask me the best way of finding interesting people, it's to indulge in hobbies, joining a club, volunteering... and just being open about your sexuality. Sure, only one in ten you meet will be gay themselves, but it's not all that different from hanging out with gay people and only have one in ten interested in the same things you are.
Hi, I am 55 and this is the first year of my life I went to a gay bar. I am up to a whopping five times. I have gone with a younger guy who is my friend (40) and I think that is the key. The bars are seedy dives but we have no intentions except to play pool and enjoy each others company. Since we click as friends we have a great time. We interact so well people ask if we are a couple. When they learn we are not it is like moths to the flame. I have people approaching me to talk and although I have zero intentions to hook-up and make that clear right away people want to talk to both of us. By being publicly warm and open friends people see it and their fear and anxiety fades. That is my take on it.
Bars are a terrible place to go for social interaction unless your going to be social with the people you walk in with. The only real reason to go alone is if your looking for a hook-up. I'm sure the college age guys thought you were just another old guy looking for someone half his age for sex. I don't go to bars because I don't drink. Unfortunately bars are the real only hang-outs for gay adult men. Other than online I have not found any other social outlet.
SaleGayGuy, that is a great idea. You know, when I was there last weekend, I kept wanting to share my story with the bartender, but I was a little embarrassed by my circumstance. Now that I think about it, though, I'm sure he's heard versions of my story for years! Especially being that we are in Alabama. I think I WILL go back next weekend, and will ask him for advice while he prepares my drink. Filip, I like your point about the "extras" in the back of the Cheers bar. Ha! Very shrewd observation. I'd never thought about that. I think you are very correct about having to build a presence at a bar over time. "Paying your dues," so to speak. You also offer good advice about finding a hobby. I read daily (that's been my social life "replacement" for the last 30 years, LOL!). I am looking for a book club to join right now, actually. Skiff, I am proud of you for going to the bar multiple times now. You could be my hero at this point, LOL. There is actually one person in my life that I have told about my sexuality, albeit that confession occurred almost a year ago. I'm considering calling her and asking if she will go with me to the bar. She was very delighted when I came out to her. I just clammed up and haven't brought it up with her since. I think she's been "respecting my privacy" in the matter. P.S. I'm jealous of all the men approaching you at the bar. LOL Bdman, I think you are correct about the college guys. I probably just looked like an old fart awkwardly trying my luck with them. They had perfect, skinny bodies; and here I am at 200 pounds. Sigh. I am also going to start an exercise regimen very soon to help make myself more "marketable" (AND to boost my self esteem). Thank you again for all the input. You really seem to be a great group of men here.
On gay bars.... I've worked in NYC for many years, and it was not uncommon for groups of work folk to hit gay bars. So I've been, but always with a hetero crowd. Once I started coming out, our support group goes to a local gay bar after our meeting. And yes, the first time, I had to take a deep breath and just go for it! I go at least once a week now. Know the bartender well, we're facebook friends, too. Mostly its with other men from the pride center, and I've met many other men there, too. Its a lot of fun. Now the bars in NYC -- that's, pun intended, another bar entirely! Go there with my NYC gay support group. That's where you need to hang on tight the first couple of times. Beautiful 1/2 naked bar tenders. A much much younger crowd. And packed with gay and straight folk. My support group leaders say to go in, order a drink, bring something to read. if you feel like talking, great. If not, just hang out there. I suppose a smart phone would serve the same purpose. I don't go to the bars with, umm, dark back rooms and basements or rooftops that are for having sex. But that scene exists in NYC. Most bar tenders enjoy being social and like to have someone to talk to, rather than be treated like a servant. Chat him/her up. Talk about the news, music, videos that are on, etc. And have fun. Those first times, I'd say to myself, ok, I'm going to give it 45 minutes... then I'll leave if I feel like. Almost always, by 45 minutes, I was comfortable enough to stay. Enjoy and have fun!
What's the allure of a gay bar to straight folks? I've heard comments like the music is better, the dancing is better, and, from some women, that they feel safer from being hit on when they're really only looking to spend a night on the town. Is this right or is there more? I couldn't believe the first time I set foot in one. It was the ultimate non-event. I was on a road trip. I was more curious than anything else. It was no different having a conversation in there than it would have been anywhere else, except that all the guys were presumably all or mostly into guys. Don't let that experience dissuade you. I think they all have different audiences. You might have to find a bar with a style that works for you. The last time I was in one was in 2007. This was sort of the run of the mill bar in this smaller city with a terraced patio, a pool table, and no dancing, aimed at guys over 35. There isn't a uniform, party circuit, and the games reportedly found at other bars. If I've stumbled into places like that, I've turned around and walked out within a matter of minutes.
In gay years, anything over 50 is dead. lol I went into my first gay bar when I was 37-38 so not that long ago. Intimidated, no, but I was off put by the behaviour inside. To me it felt like a very antisocial environment laced with drugs and booze and served only to lubricate the sexual tension. You don't go to a gay bar to talk, you go to a gay bar to fuck is what I learned from this experience. There were too many princesses in one area so it was like everyone under 20 was was out doing each other in the pretty stakes and you could just smell the reek of EGO. You wouldn't be seen dead chatting with an 'outsider' (Which includes anyone over 25, anyone fat, anyone with pimples and anyone that is sober), because all the other princess's would think you are fucking them. You meet the nicest gay guys at a run of the mill pub
