I've been working myself up to posting this for a while now. I've been with my female partner for almost 27 years now. We love on another; there is no hesitation on this point. Our sex life has fluctuated in what I'd like to think of as normal ways over time...but we still have great sex. But something has started to go missing. Despite being monogamous thus far, we both have identified as bisexual for most of our lives. At the beginning, it was easy (even fun) to deride men...we didn't need 'em...easy to put down what you can't have, right? But as we've gotten older, we have both missed men increasingly. More and more I am feeling unfulfilled. Not completely, I'd like to think...but I can't see what I can't see. We've talked about sharing a man, either short term or long term. I feel no need to have sex *apart* from her. But we both have anxieties about safety and emotional stability that have kept us from trying this. And now there's you guys. I keep hearing story after story about people who were dead sure they were straight their whole lives...until they were right around my age, and discovered that they could not be fulfilled unless they were with the sex opposite that of their life partner. Sometimes that realization was made intellectually, sometimes through experimentation...but it ultimately led to a horrific breakup and a life cataclysm. Point blank: I don't want to be straight any more than most of you want to be gay. And I don't think I am...but I'm scared of opening this Pandora's box...so much on the line...and yet so much on the line if I don't as well. Am I being ridiculous? I've not heard any stories from people who *started* in a same-sex relationship and changed...are there such people? Or is this just a long-repressed urge toward expressing/experiencing my bisexuality, and things would likely stabilize if we can find a way to get a man into our lives? You scare me...but I want to hear from you. Thanks.
So for 27 years who both have not had a man (sexually), how are you becoming increasingly missing one? Are you missing the emotional connection or physical? I think after 27 years, your sex life may seem stagnant, which happens with all couples and introducing a man might not be the answer.
I've been feeling a but similar but it has only been 7 years. I am bisexual. I have loved a man and later loved a woman. For each of these separate relationships, I was in monogamous long-term sexual relationships. I'm with a female partner now. I sometimes miss the sex that I have had with a man. Not just any man but the sex I had in my long-term relationship with a man. We had great sex. I have also had very hot, great satisfying sex with my current partner. The difference is me not the partners. I am older and we live together. I was with my bf in college and who doesn't have hot sex in college? The point is, what is happening is nostalgia and facing middle-age. What I really miss is the heterosexual life. I've never quite accepted my new life. So when I considered looking for a one night stand with a guy, I thought is that really what I want? It's not about sex. I think I miss being complimented like a woman. The only difference between me and my straight married friends is well nothing. Then I thought would it make a difference if I cheated with a man or a woman and I realized no it wouldn't. I'm not missing sex with a man, I'm missing feeling desired and since I struggle with the change in my life (not as open) since I'm with a woman, this fictional man I think with "satisfy" a sexual urge, won't satisfy what I really want. I really want to be seen as normal without the societal baggage of not being straight. As for the threesome, been there, done that. Don't do it. When I was single I was with a couple and they broke up after. Many couples break up afterwards. It is abdutrly not worth it. I know my response was long and may not be your issue but my point is to try to examine what's behind this desire before you do it.
Ryan, how am I increasingly missing a man? I would say that the desire for that sexual contact has become stronger with each passing year for at least the last 10 years. The physical is definitely a large component of what I miss and want. But emotional, only somewhat, in the sense that Femme mentions. I'm going to respond to her in detail about that (so read below, too), but I'll say that I'm not clear on whether I could be emotionally happy living with a man. Femme, thank you. You've hit on a few of my issues, I think...and your situation really does sound somewhat comparable to mine (and that always feels good). The major difference I can point to is that I have no desire for the straight lifestyle that you miss. I value my queerness, and am very comfortable with that lifestyle...part of why I say I don't want to be straight. But I do miss male desire, and that whole exchange of energies, emotional as well as sexual. I have male friends and colleagues...but the energy is different in those contexts (and most of our male friends are gay anyway, dammit). There could also be a component of facing middle age, as you say...questioning my life choices, and regretting what I don't have (the natural complement to putting down what I couldn't have when I was younger...'cause I *could* have had it but chose not to). I appreciate your perspective/experience regarding threesomes. I've read a lot of accounts...some agree with you; some disagree...but all perspectives are useful there. Would be curious to know more about why/how they broke up, and what they were like before. Being longwinded myself, I have no problem with long responses. I appreciate the reminder to look deeper. Be assured, this examination has been ongoing for quite a while and will continue...I'm not one to do something rashly.
I would say the same thing to you that I would say to someone in a straight relationship contemplating whether they're gay... 1) You don't need to 'try it' to know that there's a desire there. But I think you've got that. 2) If this is making you unhappy, and has been making you progressively more unhappy over the past several years, it's not likely to stop making you more unhappy unless you do something about it. I would always recommend counselling - talking to an unbiased professional can work wonders when trying to resolve this kind of thing. Going on your own and going with your partner would likely both be helpful. 3) You think that this isn't having an effect on your current relationship, but it likely is. Maybe not to a great extent, but if you're unhappy that's going to impact how you're relating to your partner. With respect to the prospect of a 3way, I'm not convinced it's good or bad. It depends. I'm not sure it's the healthiest expression of one's sexuality, but if approached the right way and with the right 3rd person, it could be fine. But it would require lots of open and honest communication between you and your partner. So depending on how good you are at doing that, my second point about counselling could help there too. Good luck.
