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Outed in workplace by colleague

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by jupiter2, Aug 8, 2013.

  1. jupiter2

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    My first post here

    The background is that I'm a nurse in a large hospital, in a high pressure unit. Good at my job, (just had my evaluation), have good working relationships with medical & nursing staff; I'm not self-aggrandizing, just setting the scene.

    But I have a problem with my immediate superior, a charge nurse. (I work as one too half the time). For the most part we've gotten along really well. We hit it off when he started work here, he's the same age as me, mid forties. He's good at his job.

    We were supportive of each other, and genuinely warm towards me. We swapped personal stories as friends do, laughed together. I wasn't pushy in friendship, gave him lots of space. It was just easy going. I developed a really strong affection for him and in spite of myself a strong physical attraction; he somehow figured out early how I felt about him, and he really was OK with it. Nothing to suggest otherwise. Given many hints to me that he knew, and even seemed to enjoy it. I was very discreet, kept it all professional at work, never let it interfere with the job or bring cause for comment. He's not homophobic- in fact he's mentioned several times in my earshot he doesn't believe in strict either/or descriptions of human sexuality. Has a LTR -hetero, of long standing.

    But he runs hot and cold. Very warm and affectionate toward me one time, the next- cold shoulder. Won't even acknowledge I'm there. Liked to be physically close to me, and take opportunities to touch me in an affectionate way, my arm, leg, rustling my hair. On one occasion tried to hug me when we were alone but pulled back saying "what will people think?". I've not encouraged this, it just happens. I don't come on strong, I don't come on at all. Long looks from him (still). It goes somewhat beyond the normal occasional homoerotic play between males. But outside of work-I'm a non person. Won't even acknowledge me from 2 feet away when we meet by accident as people will around town. I say hi, get nothing. Avoids even looking at me. No social contact outside of work, it's like I'm shut out. I know it can be mistake putting your own expectations on others, and people are entitled to choose their won friendships and what to make of them but this is like two different people.

    For a long time now, alongside this, he's been making a running joke at work about me being gay. I'm not out at work- I see it as a non-issue for what I'm there for. For years he's taken opportunities broadcast to everyone in the office how I'm trying to "touch him up", that I like "this" (pulling up his shirt and baring himself) when I'm around him, he's come over to me, gotten close, and then said the same sort of thing, always to an audience, and always when I'm in a subordinate role to him. He's even lately enticed me to feel his leg saying it hurts, so that he can play this game. He gets a laugh out of it, (though no-one else is laughing), and sometimes finishes with overstrained references to being straight (when no-one's even brought it up) such as being only interested in "tits" and ****(sorry ladies, his language) etc.

    It's so unprofessional, not to mention unfriendly being more or less outed like this on a regular basis. God knows what he says behind my back. Yet he can turn around and act really warm and talk about how much he respects me. Not only am I baffled and annoyed, but the insincerity is indigestible.

    Recently it took a new and nastier turn ( just after I saved his arse when he was assaulted by a patient on the ward), nitpicking at my work (which he'd never done before), and eventually progressing to derogatory profanities. I was flabbergasted. I can't understand what's making him act this way. I know he likes to get a reaction from me and teases me from time to time, but what he's doing is just rudeness and gross incivilty. Then he turns around as if nothing has happened or is nice again. I can't easily walk away from this scene for good (as I would outside work) as we work together closely; anyway it's my job and I've earned it.

    Needless to say this has seriously strained things from my point of view and caused me a lot of anxiety. I'm fast losing respect for him and trust in him. I've had enough of the public faggot baiting. I should have pulled him up on this a long time ago , but I thought it would wear itself out, and I'm not inclined to be confrontational. Doing a lot of emotional work and disentangling myself from emotional attachment is hard but necessary, and I've realised after a lot of hard and clear thinking that this guy is not much of a friend (if ever he was) and that my affection for him is wasted. I thought the problem was mine for a long time, but it seems he's just a game player. But what is the game? Is it just malicious ego boosting? Perhaps he's also conflicted with his own feelings. I'm baffled. This guy is not stupid, and what's more he has a disabled brother and I would have thought he's be more aware of what it's like to make a project of someone's difference.

    Bafflement notwithstanding, on the harassment and bullying (not extreme but it's there along the continuum and it's demoralising) I'm going through a complaint process at work at present. I think (or hope) it will stop, but I expect he'll rationalise or deny it. He can be a really nice, guy with charm, mild mannered, and he's a good nurse. Who's going to believe that he's like this? In any case, I doubt if we'll ever get back to talking like we used to and get a straight answer on anything from him, so can anyone give me advice? What is with this guy? Have I done the right thing? For the first time I've seriously thought of quitting, and I'm not a quitter of anything.

    Well, comments and advice welcome thanks to make sense of this.
     
  2. pippi

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    I'm sorry you are going thru this. Personally, he sounds like a bully to me. Not sure what went wrong, since things were so different at the beginning. I wonder if maybe he was getting intense feelings for you, and he's scared. Since he's in a ltr with a women. Maybe he's afraid of what he's feeling, and the only way to escape from that is to bully you. I don't know. Just throwing some thoughts out there. Hoping things work out for you soon!
     
  3. Tightrope

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    I read the whole thing. These parts were especially noteworthy. Welcome.

    Sexual orientation and the workplace are sometimes like bulls that lock horns. While there are usually checks and balances on paper, and in protocols, someone oversteps them, just like what we're seeing here. I think that your choosing to be private in your place of work is just that - your choice. You have to go work there every day and you know if the people there are jerks or not.

    Yes, it is very unprofessional on his part. Not only that, it points to him having issues, and this is just the tip of the iceberg, in my estimation.

    Harassment, whether subtle or overt, is indeed demoralizing. It can take the wind out of your sails and, in your field, you need all the energy you've got. The complaint process shows you're taking this seriously. I hope that you have all your ducks in a row and that it works in your favor.
     
  4. greatwhale

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    I think you are absolutely correct in raising an official complaint...as to his internal motivations, who knows? And does it matter?

    All you have to go on is his concrete behaviour, focus on that without second-guessing his motivations or the game he's playing, it's not important. I sincerely doubt he is, or ever was, your friend. He clearly has issues with your sexuality, some people just behave really weird when they find out.

    It could be as innocent as him trying to be funny (and failing) or deeper, such as repressed homosexuality. But again, who cares?
     
  5. SecretlyASloth

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    I hope everything works out for you. The guy honestly sounds like a bully and I would look into seeing if you can actually nail him for inappropriate behavior at the workplace. I would also try avoiding him at work when possible, and try out being nonchalant to him. Don't give him attention.
     
  6. ryanalexander61

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    You may have a legal claim against him and the hospital for intentional infliction of emotional distress. I would definitely file a complaint with the hospital and seek a transfer to another department.
     
  7. Aussie792

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    I'd launch a complaint. He can't get away with that behaviour, and if he's not officially confronted, he's likely to keep doing it.
     
  8. biAnnika

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    Yeah, I'll second (or third) the bully notion. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

    It sounds like a power game. He thinks he has you in a tight spot where you have to deal with his shit, because you can't confront it without outing yourself...and you just called his bluff. Good for you! I might have recommended that you talk to him first, if you felt comfortable doing that (one of the questions you'll be asked during the complaint process is whether you asked him to stop)...but good for you anyway.

    I'm not sure, though, what to expect. Several years ago for a relatively short time, my partner Kel and I worked at the same company, which was owned and run by an old disgusting little man. It was no secret that Kel and I were partners...but we weren't terribly out either, though most people knew we shared an apartment. Anyway, this creep would occasionally make little flattering comments that would make your skin crawl, but weren't patently offensive. But one day in the coffee room, he took me aside and told me how he saw Kel earlier with a big smile on her face, and he wondered what I "did to her over the weekend" that would make her smile on a Monday morning. :redface: I filed a complaint over that one. It wasn't satisfying: basically, he denied any memory of the incident, and I had to describe it for him, which was pretty excruciating, considering that I wanted to friggin forget the incident! The only outcome was that neither Kel nor I got any more comments of any kind from him...ok, that was an improvement, but I didn't care for either the cost or the risk.

    I hope your experience is better, and that you'll follow up and tell us what happens.

    Good luck!
     
  9. dfiant

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    I'm sorry you are going through this. You obviously love your job and this bastard is just making something that you enjoy into something that you are beginning to dread by the sounds of things.

    If the thought of going to work starts to become uncomfortable because of his behaviour, I would suggest that there is evidence of harassment ( I think the word Bullying is over used, but a valid phenomenon).

    Also his behaviour outside of work towards me would suggest that there is absolutely no respect for you on his behalf. Anti-discrimination laws in Australian workplaces are very very strict and I think he is protecting his job by 'ACTING' tolerant, but his behaviour is suggesting he is everything BUT tolerant.

    I would be raising the issue with his superiors, there may or may not be a history of poor performance in the workplace with this guy that needs to be addressed not just for yourself, but others as well.

    Good luck mate, and I hope you keep us posted on what happens or come here for further advice if you need it :wink:
     
  10. KyleD

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    I agree with you filing a complaint!
     
  11. HEREIAM2

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    Probably not the firrst to say it, but this sounds like workplace bullying based on sexual orientation and he should be reported, been TV ads here (Australia) telling people that exactly this sort of "light hearted" joking about LGBT people is not on.
     
  12. Cool Bananas

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    I am sure when he had a gay work mate, they were cool with it, then they started having feelings for you, maybe just because you were/could be good friends so now they are scared of their own feelings.

    did you bring it to their attention to try and sort it out, unfortunately if it can't be sorted out soon then one of you will have to move or change positions.
     
  13. LazyJay

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    Wow...Sorry you have to deal with this. It sucks that a man who you thought was warm and friendly is now acting like a complete douche. Jupiter, you seem like a very confident and smart person, and I believe you'll make the right decisions. I hope that everything works out in your favor.
     
  14. bingostring

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    He sounds fairly conflicted ... who knows what is going on with him
    but ... he has crossed the line.
    Hope it works out for you
     
  15. jupiter2

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    Gosh
    I'm just overawed by your support, very moved. Thank you to everyone. It's not over yet but I've got my manager on side. Confronting the guy next week.
     
  16. dfiant

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    Well done mate, I hope you get favourable results so you can get back to doing what you love doing...caring about people :wink:
     
  17. jupiter2

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    Many thanks for your response Tightrope, but I'm puzzled. When you say "It points to him having issues and that is the tip of the iceberg in my opinion" , what is the "iceberg"? That's really hanging it heavily in the air! If you could enlarge it would help me test my own thoughts. Whatever the outcome of the complaint process, in all likelihood I'm going to be working with this guy as my immediate boss for some time to come, but for better or worse, our relationship will be fundamentally changed. Your further opinion would be a help in handling it. BTW, his position is very secure, it's not about any threat to his job.
    Thanks
     
  18. dfiant

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    I think the action that you have taken so far is appropriate. You have set 2 wheels in motion...1) correcting your superiors behaviour and 20 making your job a more pleasant experience.

    Thing maybe strained for the time being between you and him, so you have to expect and prepare yourself for that, but ultimately I think in time...(weeks...maybe months) that strain will give way as the both of you take a step back, consider your actions respectively, and take an unspoken truce and compromises as you both realise work can be fun :wink:
     
  19. jupiter2

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    Thanks Defiant.
    I'm back at work today with him, our mediation isn't until end of the week unfortunately. I expect it to be strained for a while, but it's good to hear that you think it'll improve. We'll understand each other better at any rate. I have high coping skills, but it's hard- I'm angry at the guy, I think's it's right to stand up for myself and let him know you can't treat anyone this way. Especially not when you work so closely together and where trust and back-up is really important. How do you rebuild trust? It would be much easier if I had no fondness for him, but I've felt really strongly for him since we began working together. I feel like a chump for having affection for a man like this. I fully accept that it's not going to go anywhere because he's "straight" and in a LTR. So I've just kept feelings to myself, though as I've said before I think he's long ago cottoned on. It's not as if I don't have other outlets for affection. Not all my eggs are in this basket. But the feelings are there in spite of myself. If it's a crush it's a damn long one. It feels all backwards and upside down, my feelings are ricocheting between love and anger (I can honestly say not hate), and I still can't get rid of what I feel for him. Why not? I don't think it's as simple as just being attracted to something because you can't have it. My instinct and the sum of the evidence tells me there's something reciprocal going on here, though I don't normally operate on instinct. His stakes are higher than mine. We've never gotten down to talking about how we really feel about one another, maybe that'll come one day and clear things up. Just needed to get this out, aargh.
     
  20. Tightrope

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    I just meant that there is some kind of internal pushme pullyu with his own sexuality, that he has to use yours as something to alter your experience in the workplace. It's gratuitous and he's reportedly straight, so he should have just glossed over your orientation as opposed to dwelling on it.