I have come out to my friends at church, my mom & stepdad, one sister, many straight & gay friends... But not the more conservative side of my family. I'm leaving today for a short vacation with my dad, stepmother, and other adult siblings. My stepmother often says hateful things about gay people and she left the episcopal church when it agreed to bless same sex unions. Even though I was not out to myself or them for YEARS, now that I am out to myself and others, I don't think I can take keeping this inside. Some of the gay friends have said that I don't have to talk to them on this trip. But I really feel like I do. I'm tired of feeling this self-imposed wall. And actually the truth is that I did come out to my dad 19 years ago. He told me to really think about it and if it was true, to move away and never come back. I kept my girlfriends to myself, them denied they existed, married a man and was very unhappy. I don't blame my dad but I blame that approach and I'm not going to do that this time. That's why I think I have to at least tell them who I really am. Then if they don't want a relationship that's on them. The burden will not be on me to stay in the closet any more. ---------- Post added 10th Aug 2013 at 06:55 AM ---------- I guess I'd rather him say I don't want to see you than to have to keep lying and pretending to be someone I'm not. ---------- Post added 10th Aug 2013 at 06:56 AM ---------- One more thing. I already live in a different state than them anyway, so the "move away" thing is irrevelant. I moved here for a job 8 years ago when I was trying to be straight.
And I wish you the best of luck you shouldn't have to hide. I get all fuzzy when people are allowing themselves to be just that! And if he dosen't want a relationship with you make sure you have really good relationship with your sibs just cos I say. Sibs are a good way to open parents eyes if they are being dumb!
Good luck, Hope. I know this isn't going to be easy. I think the only practical advice I have is this: If you're all on vacation together, you may be staying all together (like a rented house) or all very close together (in the same hotel). Make sure you're ready and able to leave wherever you all are staying on short notice. You may not be able to go home, but be sure you're able to go somewhere safe. I don't mean to be harsh or to scare you, but if you're father's reaction 19 years ago was, "If you're gay, get out," and he's currently married to a woman who left the church because they started blessing same-sex unions, he's not likely to be any more welcoming than he was back then. I'm not suggesting he'll be violent, but he may create a very unwelcoming--possibly even hostile--environment. You very well may want to be able to create some physical distance between the two of you. We're all on different journeys, and we all have to make choices that work for us. It sounds as though you are willing to jeopardize the relationship with your father in order to truly be yourself. I'm proud of you for being so strong in who you are and to not be willing to let the hateful comments pass unremarked upon. This is not an easy decision to make or to carry out. He may very well turn his back on you. But it sounds as though he's done a great deal of damage to you by denying you the opportunity to be yourself. And he's done that by threatening and bullying you. You say you don't blame your dad, and that's OK, but what sort of parent uses his love for his children against them? It would have been an unusual person who at that age was willing to do something to jeopardize a parent's love. Don't underestimate the power he had over you. Do what you need to do to be fully yourself. There's no need to hide who you are, and you're right: Once you're out to him, the burden will be on him, not on you. His homophobia is not your problem to deal with--it's his. It's not the child's job to protect her parent from the truth. I'll be thinking about you over the next few days. I hope the conversation goes as well as it possibly can. Stay strong--think about how liberating this conversation will be. --Zoe
Wish you the best of luck! Hiding really does suck, especially on a trip with family. Been there, done that.
I didn't come out to them. We didn't talk about it at all. Thankfully they also didn't ask me about dating in any capacity. But the trip was terrible. We were in a tiny cabin and it rained every day. 7 adults and my toddler. I am so happy to be home. My friends have told me I'll know when it's the right time to come out to individual people. And I have trusted my gut so far on that - with the people to whom I've come out so far. And it's been going well. My gut said it was not the time. So I didn't. But I also may not take such a trip with them again until I can be honest.
