Help! 36 and still in the closet...

First, welcome to EC adms!

You will learn here, if you haven't already, that your situation is not unique by any means. As for your age, 36 is still young, don't fret about that, at least.

You are in a constrained situation, there are real limits to what you can do immediately.

So have a plan.

In order to placate your family, you may need to keep going to the church, so your body will be there for a short time every week, that doesn't mean your heart has to follow.

Next, you need to get a job. What is your level of education? If you dropped out of college, would you consider a trade, like mechanic or electrician? These jobs never quite disappear, because you actually have to be there to do the work, it can't be outsourced over some wire to someone in India or China who can do the work at half the cost.

Once you have an education that gives you a marketable skill, find a job outside of that community, you do need to leave it, because it is probably surrounding you like a suffocating security blanket, and it is keeping you from your independence.

This is long-term thinking, you need to do it if you want your freedom, like patient prisoners of war methodically digging their tunnels out of the prison camp, it will take time but the light on the other end will appear.

 

Adms,
Like you I have been bound by religious ideology. Ive had the same thoughts, that I (now 38) have lost too much time to the closet. I cannot offer any advice as I am still battling with comming out, but I can tell you that if you live in the SLC area there are many resources avail. to you as a gay LDS member. I am not talking about those through the church. I would tell you to stay away from those! I want you to know that no matter the outcome, know that G-d does not make mistakes and we are as he intended us to be. I just wanted to send you a quick note, I am sitting in Sacrament meeting with my family. Good luck Bro. If I have an Epiphany as to how I can come out to my parents and 7 siblings I will be sure to share!

Jae

 

You're still young. You just have to have a plan and follow it. Things will get better.

 

Adms
There's some good things in your favour to start with- 1) you're still pretty young, and anyway it's never too late to live the kind of life you want that makes you happy, and you've know what you need to do to get there, 2) you've found this site which is so supportive and non judgmental and that's exactly what you need right now, you will find friends here 3) you've already done some work with yourself, acceptance of yourself (big step)and your parents have some awareness. So there's some important pieces in place already.

But you're up against a really big rock, namely the church. More specifically their judgment of homosexuality, and all that goes with it. I can't speak from experience of dealing with that sort of thing, because it's not mine. But I agree with Jae, henceforth stay away from any church affiliated programs. You may have to push back against some pressure here.

To get to the point, I can't see how you can really be who who are and accepted for this in your present situation. It is in the nature of large exclusive groups to pressure individuals to conform. I reckon that the best way now for you is to leave, because this is about you preserving yourself. If I was in your place, I would get out of there, out of your family, town, out of the church, out of Utah altogether. At least for a while. You need some real perspective (not just mission work) and to live as yourself. You will gather strength this way and become more who you are. I'm afraid the church doesn't want this. If you want this, I think it will mean geographically separating yourself from their influence. You're a citizen of the USA, not of Salt Lake City.

At 36 it's high time and you have every right to do this. I don't mean you should chuck your family for good. I just think you need some time out of there to sort yourself out, and get an alternative support system going for you, not simply the one handed to you by the church. Maybe this will mean a break altogether from the church for you, maybe it won't. That's for you to find out. Take from it want you want, and leave the rest, you weren't born with the book of Mormon in your hand.

So I think, get together some cash and a greyhound ticket and put some state lines between you and what is killing you.

Good luck

 

You might find this film interesting Latter Days - YouTube It's about some gay LDS missionaries and how they cope with being gay.

 

Bigguy50 and I are on the same page. I watched the film on Logo Movie House. This is a very good movie. I do not know how accurate it is with the LDS.

I am not suggesting you change your denomination/faith. However, if you can be by yourself, you may want to visit a Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) . The MCC is a LGBT friendly chruch. Most, if not all of the clergy are gay or transgendered.

You stated about losing time at 36. My friend, you are a gay man, as I am. However, you are old enough to be my son. I am 54 and now coming out. I do have a suggestion for you. This may not address your faith. However, it will address the relationship side of the equation. Get involved in your LGBT community. I have found that this can be difficult. There is a fairly new organization entitled Gays 4 Good. They do volunteer to help their communities. The first meeting in the Dallas area will be in August at the zoo. All of this is non-sexual. However, you are working and cultivating relationships with other like-minded gay individuals.

I hope this helps. BTW you are not wasting time. You just need to go forward now.

 

I so agree. I am in a similar position as the OP and this is why I so badly want to get this particular job I applied to out of town so I can leave everything in my past behind and start afresh.

 

What GW said, 36 isn't old, sometimes you have to put up with crappy things in life but note the bad times will pass, you will appreciate those good times later, but you need to start somewhere with a plan,

and that folks is my 100th post. (!)

 

Depression is a terrible struggle--is there any kind of a COPE hotline in the area that you can call? It will paralyze you and make every decision harder and every worry worse. Even just a few conversations with a counselor will help--it won't solve your problems as much as it will help you see options for solving them that you weren't aware of, and give you a little more confidence to work through them.

I think you'll probably find this one of the most non-judgemental places you can find! We're all at different spots and all working through them the best way we can, and we all lean on each other one way or another and give each other strength. You can get through this and come out of it a stronger and healthier person.

 

Yes you need a short term and long term plan that aim to get you where you need to be. Standing on your own feet .. and on your terms.

No wonder you are suffering depression with that family/ religious conflict going on inside you.

Plot your master plan so you can be independent - and then enjoy every day as you see that plan gradually click in to place.

I would say a (non-religious) therapist would be very useful in this process. In the absence of that you have many here at EC who would gladly offer you advice.

 

Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place.

I was in my mid 30s when I came out. I'd been married for 9 years and had 2 daughters. Religion wasn't keeping me in the closet, but social norms and fear of the unknown certainly were.

I would also recommend counselling - non-religious. That really helped me. Money might be tight, so perhaps there is some available that is free or bills on a 'sliding scale' based on your means. If depression is an issue, perhaps a talk with your family doctor is in order. There are medications that you might want to consider to help you through this particularly rough patch. I used antidepressants through the worst days and I don't apologize for it - I needed them, they helped, and I'm thankful that I used them.

Accept the things you can not change and change the things you can. Things that fall into the category of 'can not change' would be other people and their outlook on things.

As my signature says, it's never too late to be what you might have been. I came out at 36 and at 42 I'm happier than I've ever been - in a wonderful relationship with a great guy and very content with where I am in life. That can be you too - just give it time and try to stay positive.

 

One - get it out of your head your 'good days' are behind you. That is old man talk, and we don't cotton to old man talk.

We all have regrets in life, and its more often than not us regretting things we didn't do. My second greatest regret is Bradley - Needless to say I didn't do him - and I lived long enough to regret it.

While you are going on and on about 'coming out' I have to wonder, has this become such an overpowering thing in your mind that it is clouding up other things like a need for a job, your own place - a life outside of this 'compound'?

I wonder if now this 'I need out' thing isn't more because you have all of this other stuff on your plate and now suddenly 'coming out' is more important because it seems like its the easier situation to deal with. IDK what your full thoughts are. But consider that.

I would strongly urge you to place yourself in a situation where when you do come out you don't find yourself homeless. I suspect that once you are independent (again) it will be easier for you to take this step. Dependency sucks for a lot of people - especially if we have to curb who and what we are in order to depend on others.

You have time still to explore your 'gay side'. Unlike me, 47 with no options of ever finding a man.... - LOL

Take a deep breath, prioritize your situation, and set reasonable attainable short term goals, baby steps that lead to your 'freedom' to be who you are.

You will be ok - ultimately -

 

I remember when 36 was old. Now that I'm 49, I realize just how young that was.

You may want to look into Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons . It is an organization "upporting LGBT Mormons, their families, and allies by encouraging spirituality, providing information resources, and working for inclusiveness and equality." I realize you said that it's a church you no longer believe in, but they may be able to offer some guidance.

 

For the short-term, go to the church along with the family, but don't go to their programs. Just don't. I don't know that particular religion. Is there a way to do that?

For the long-term, start working on a plan right away. For this, it might involve acquiring skills, affordable education and enough of it, and eventually moving.

 

Hey man, I get the feeling you're in my neck of the woods.

I'm in a shit fest myself, so I can't offer a lot of solutions, just some personal insight.

I was raised in a super conservative religious home (though not LDS) and growing up gay just wasn't acceptable, as so many here have lived through. In my case the depression that I thought was just a part of my general make up was "just" a result of believing that I had no worth and that I was better dead than gay. Now that I've accepted this about myself, the depression has evaporated.

As for the family, I agree with others here that you may have to play their game for a bit but that you've got to put some distance between you and them. If they are anything like mine, THEY ARE the source of the misery and depression and self-loathing. Mine cannot/will not accept me at all and truth be told I don't care. They've caused me so much grief over these 40 years that I see little to no value in a relationship with them.

I wish you well. Hang in there. This road is rough, but I still don't regret coming out.

 

My exboyfriend was Morman. His mom was super high up in the church, but was very kind to me. We had many meals at his folks mansion, and I never felt uncomfortable. He explained Temple reccomend, took me to the Oakland Temple and didn't seem bothered by the religion. My experience with most Mormans has been super positive. However, when it comes to any religion trying to reprogram gay people, I have major issues with that. I am so sorry they put you through that. My friends who have been through reparative therapy from the Christian faith, with groups like Exodus, have a lot of battle
wounds. Just remember, you are perfectly normal and healthy the way you are and God Loves you for being you! I grew up Baptist in Mississippi and heard the anti gay hate sermon all the time. I am thankful to belong to a United Church of Christ Church here in California who embraces who I am! In fact, we had a Lesbian couple get married at church this afternoon! Goes to proove you can still be gay and have faith. They don't have to be mutually exclusive.
As far as the age thing goes, I understand your feeling that way. I came out later and felt like I missed my gay youth! I mourned it. I was pissed that I grew up in a backwards state like Mississippi, and that was why I had stayed closeted so long. But soon enough I begin to realize that it is never too late. As long as you are alive there are opportunities to live your authentic life and be happy! There is a guy on EC that just came out at 72 and is happy as a lark that he finally realized it. Inspiration for us all.

 

Its NEVER too late to be baby gay. :icon_bigg And I assure you that gay adolescence is a blast!

The journey is a step at a time. I hope you can find a support group in your area, meeting with others IRL was so helpful for me, a key part of me getting my life on track.

You will find your way. I'll echo some of the thoughts above -- find support for yourself now, then figure out the tactics you need in terms of your work/living situation so you walk your coming out path to living out.

Hugs!

 

Hey bro, I'm the same age as you and I'm working on coming out. I'm THINKING about working on coming out. Soon.

I also came from a religious background, not LDS but I'm from a conservative family. Thankfully, my siblings are not so conservative, but my parents are and I've had to visit and stay with them for only months at time and it was suffocating, so I can't imagine what you're going through right now.

I relate a lot to what others have said:
1. 36 is not old.
2. Keep a long-term perspective.
3. Keep breathing.

I guess I'm writing more to myself than to you, but that just means there are others out there like you, so take heart.