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How to rectify to oneslef coming out to family - those I have already lost.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by crickett, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. crickett

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    I am late coming out to the LGBT community. In a word or two, it has been a roller-coaster ride. I will not say it has been fun, emotional yes.

    I am having one very big issue that I have no idea how to deal with. Since, i am coming out late, I cannot come out to some members of my family. You may ask WHY?

    In 2010 I lost my father, In April of 2014, it will be eight years since I lost my sister. My Mom has dementia/Alzheimer's. How do I get peace with myself with these three individuals. Two of my closest family are deceased, the third is physically strong but the diseaseof dementia/Alzheimer's is eating away at her mind. I can tell her: Mom, I am Gay! It will be as if I had said nothing.

    What do I do to rectify these unsettling feelings regarding coming out to family with a deli bated disease or those who have already passed?
     
  2. biggayguy

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    You could write a letter to your father and sister telling them your feelings. Pour out everything on paper then burn or bury the letters to symbolize letting go of the past. I'm not sure what purpose would be in telling your mother. It will only upset her. Then she will forget again.
     
  3. Choirboy

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    I think you're saying that it bothers you that you can't come out to those whom you have already lost, or to those like your mom, whom you can tell, but it won't really register to her?

    One thing that may help you personally is your faith. From some of your other posts, it sounds as though you do have a pretty strong religious background, although it may not have been very gay-friendly. Perhaps you can draw on the more positive aspects of it? For example, if those who have already passed are in a better place, a place of greater understanding, then it's probably fair to say that they know already, and coming out to them isn't even necessary. I've come to believe that my mom suspected I might be gay when she died some 27 years ago, and I still feel enough of a connection to her that I am sure she knows for sure now. My dad, on the other hand, has only been gone 2 years, and wherever he is, I'm sure he really couldn't care less!

    Also, I've never fully bought the notion that "everything happens for a reason", but maybe losing them was part of what was necessary to help you come out? When they were still alive, perhaps you would not have been able to come out at all--maybe losing them helped give you a REASON to do it, because you had to stand more on your own? Losing my mom was a horrible experience that was one of the things that most directly led to my marriage, and as much of a 20-year fiasco as that has been in many ways, it also allowed me to have a family of my own. And losing my dad was one of the things that set my whole acceptance of myself in motion. If you look at the emotions you have gone through from losing your father and your sister, and watching your mom slowly deteriorate, perhaps those experiences and all the emotions that they brought up were what actually helped bring you out of the closet.

    Finally--the only way we CAN move in life is forward. We can all have our regrets, but in the end what makes us grow is moving beyond them and creating a new life for ourselves by moving past them. It may not be easy and it may not happen as fast as we want, but we can't change the past, so we have to learn from it and let it make us stronger people. Worrying about what we missed with the dead and dying will stop us from dealing with the living who can make out lives better.
     
  4. crickett

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    Choirboy

    I hate to use cliches. However, in this situation I will make allow it. You actually summarized my feelings very well. In short, You hit the target. I was very close to my dad, my mom, and my sister. These are guilt feelings. I believe my mother may have had an inkling that I am gay. It is just the process that I am unable to complete. As bigguy50 stated, I could write a letter and send up smoke signals as incense to my family.

    Years ago, after losing my cousin to AIDS. I volunteered at AIDS Outreach center as well as being on Tarrant County AIDS Interfaith Care Team. Mother was not as worried about the care team since it was in the church vs. the AIDS Outreach center. She even stated, someone may think you are gay? At this point, I was not ready to come out, or to afraid to. I said nothing. However, I did enjoy working with the clients and the primarily gay volunteers. Looking back, I would say I was gay too, but had not come to terms with my gayness. The death and deterioration of my family may have pushed me positively into coming out.

    Thank you for your post.
     
  5. bipossible

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    I agree with Choirboy's comments. It does sound as if there is a lot of guilt and shame wrapped around your sexual identity and coming out. I am not quite sure of all the dynamics, but from what I am gathering from the information you have shared it is my perception that what is really being asked for right now is some self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. I think Lily Tomlin said, "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past." You can't undo the past and all that, that entailed; and receiving some type of affirmation from your family is not going to alter one way of the other the wonderful human being you are. You already are the person you were meant to be and each little step you take toward greater authenticity is bringing you closer to embracing that.

    There are plenty of rituals that you could perform to symbolically come out to your loved ones that have passed. There are books that can give you ideas and I am sure the web is full of them, but I would invite you to create your own. Be creative, make it special, personal, and memorable. Perhaps you could revisit some place from your youth that held a special memory. It is my belief that your family continues to exists in you, that we are all interconnected. So they are always present and have already been a part of your journey. Whatever you do it should be a gift to yourself.

    Then I would suggest you spend some time examining how shame is affecting your life. A book that really helped me with my healing process was, "Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives" by Gershon Kaufman. I would also recommend building a supportive gay peer group of friends — people with whom you can be authentic and vulnerable and openly share your stories.

    Finally, I agree with Choirboy in that it would serve you well to try and redirect your focus to the present. We tend to spend way too much time in regretting and trying to rewrite the past, or predicting and trying to control the future. None of which are really possible. The only reality is the present moment and everything else are just mental fabrications — stories we create in our heads. Your work is to move forward, one moment at a time, toward greater authenticity, acceptance, and letting go.

    Losing family members and loved ones is never easy. My father is presently in hospice and will most likely pass in the next month or so. I have also lost many other family members over the past two years. I guess I am of the age now when the people in my life start making transitions onto the next. It is a great reminder of the impermanence of all things. That is why the present is so important, because it only exists now and then it is nothing more than another one of those mental fabrication like all the rest. So I encourage you to ask yourself, "What can I do today to make a difference in my life or someone else's life," then go out and do it. That would be an intention that would make your loved ones proud wherever they are.

    Wishing you peace.
     
  6. KyleD

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    I love that quote so much I'm using it as my signature. (!)
     
  7. greatwhale

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    What a perfect quote, another one of my favourites from Ms. Tomlin:

    "When growing up I always wanted to be somebody, I realize now that I should have been more specific."
     
  8. DrWhoFan

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    I'm in a similar situation to you crickett - my father of cancer died last year and my mother has alzheimers. She knows who I am, but is losing faculties one by one. I came out while my dad was dying, but never to him. I won't with her either. It's a strange situation, in that my mum has met my partner briefly, as she was giving us a lift, but she doesn't really have the capacity to understand even who her husband was anymore.

    I guess I'm at peace with it, although it took a while, because I think the way I deal with their illnesses is far more important, and that I have not changed as a person. I'd like to think that your parents and your sister knew you as a person too. My parents would not have accepted me, so maybe it's best to just have the relationship I remember. Grief is a funny thing though, maybe that's also what you are still needing to work through?

    I don't have any good answers, but I do know how hard it is to work through the thoughts.

    ---------- Post added 13th Aug 2013 at 01:25 PM ----------

    Thanks for the book recommendation, that looks really useful.