Hi all, just joined the site. I'm a 57 year old gay man from Dublin. I'm a full time carer for my mother so can feel quite isolated at times. I'd like to be in touch with others in a similar position, just to chat and share what's going on.
Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm not in that situation, but there may be others who are. I can imagine it would be rather isolating. Do you get any time to yourself?
I'm currently caretaker for my landlord. Personal Caretaker - for oh 15 years before my duties were wholly garden/lawn care as a 'property' caretaker. The past few years my unspoken job duty was to walk around the house several times a day peeping in windows to make certain he wasn't on the floor. He was a stubborn man and refused help... Well that changed. Any hope I had at having a life vanished in a single night when I discovered him 'sleeping' on his chair. Well he wasn't actually sleeping, he was hypoglycemic to the point of being passed out. That was only a fortunate discovery, while I had for a year or so been walking around the house a few times a day to make certain he wasn't on the floor, it was by pure luck his friend called to check up on him. I wouldn't have discovered him in his chair until the next day, and most likely would have looked in through a window and assumed he was sleeping. More recently, a couple three months ago, it has become a full time job of watching him, cooking for him, sorting his medications, running errands, etc etc etc... I think you know what the job means. It is a thankless, tiring job. While its not labor intensive caregiving is draining emotionally and psychologically - I feel for you if you have been doing this for any length of time.
Elf wynd - thanks for sharing your story. You're right - it's not intensive but draining. Jim - part of the problem is that my Mom doesn't need constant care - it's more 15 minutes here and there throughout the day. So I have patches of a couple of hours where I'm just not doing anything. And I'm finding that increasingly hard to deal with. I've been doing this for about 4 years, and her needs are obviously increasing as she gets older (she's 92). I'm just feeling very down right now, which is why I reached out on this site.
Hi. I have not been in that situation full time, but I've been in the reversed role of being the parent to my parents. That involves taking them to the doctor, picking up their scrips, and helping them with routine paperwork and such. I know they appreciate it, while they don't necessarily say so. What would suck is when parents get critical, ornery, and high maintenance (overly particular and fussy) while in this stage of life. If she appreciates what you do for her, that must be somewhat satisfying. Does she appreciate what you do for her? However, the large gaps of time would feel lonely and can be tiring. They warn caregivers that they need to take care of themselves, too, to ward off stress-related depression.
hi Tightrope - yes, my mother does appreciate what I do for her, although she doesn't say it to me she does to other people. It's really just the "downtime" I'm finding hard to handle.
Hah, funny that you say that about the appreciation. Dad used to rip me to shreds over stupid stuff like buying the wrong shaped piece of cheese (if you can believe that!) or using the wrong laundry detergent. But whenever I met anyone he knew, they would tell me how often he talked about how deeply he appreciated all the help that I gave him, and how he couldn't manage without all my care. Maybe it's a quirk of that generation. Lord knows it's not ethnic--I'm sure your mom wasn't a full-blooded Slovak like my dad was!
Not in that situation, but I think it's totally awesome what you're doing. Psychologically exhausting and under-appreciated I know. Just wanna say hang in there, and I hope that she appreciates all that you are doing for her!
thanks Rainbowman, I know my mother does appreciate the help I give her. I just need to find a way to constructively use my down time.
I am caregiving for my mom "from a distance". She is in midstage Alzheimers. 24 hour care at home, my Dad is primary caregiver. I am an only child. I fly back often for periods of time and can relate to the "down time" I bring books to read and try to go to independent film houses. I used to try to reconnect with my old gay friends, but this last trip, I hardly left my parents side. It takes some planning. You have to have a social life!
thanks for your reply, Californiacoast. we are indeed all entitled to a social life (I used to have one). but another problem is a lack of funds for going out, so I spend a lot of time online - which is fine, at least I'm communicating, but it's not the same as having a beer or two with a friend. still, we'll survive, I guess
