Hurting so much

Sometimes I have a crushing sadness when I think of these sort of things, and I just ignore it and put myself out there, in hopes that I will meet people. I do not have as much life experience as you, so I don't know if it is different later in life, but I presume if you join a book club, or some sort of group, you will meet other people, and possibly potential partners.

 

Runnerrunner, I read your post to Adms as well.
As I've said, I've got no experience of growing up within a conservative and gay-hostile church (thank Christ). But it makes me mad as hell to see what they do to others who don't fit their narrow minded ideas of what's right. The deep and long term damage this does to gay people is itself evil. However, I'm not posting to get on a soapbox about that. We all know about it.

One thing we do have in common is facing up to how you are in your forties. You have extra challenges, the divorce, your church upbringing. I think that it's understandable you feel so low, with the divorce final. That's pretty normal I think (not saying it's easy) as you're between the future and the past, like balancing halfway across a tightrope. It gets better. Some things will fall into place in time, particularly if you seek out the right kind of supports.

I'm not quite sure what you mean about the "alone in the universe" feeling, unless you're referring to feeling gay in a straight environment (ie marriage, church etc). And the self-loathing some of these churches inculcate into people from a young age may be behind that. Then there's an "existential" feeling of loneliness that people can feel even from within a good marriage. So maybe getting a good therapist or counsellor could help you. Even the act of looking for one is a positive step towards getting out of your despond and getting a new kind of life for yourself.

I don't know enough about this guy or the acquaintance you have with him to comment much. I think it's smart to be aware, as you are, that the strength of your feeling toward him may be a originating from your loneliness. But it really could be something- it could be, since your presumably free for the first time in your life now to give yourself to feelings for other guys and contemplate a relationship. In think that's another thing a good counsellor could help you with. This other guy may have "stuff" do deal with, may seem distant, it's all too nebulous to advise you, except to say that it would't hurt to just keep a supportive friendship going if you can, and it will in time prove itself to be one thing or another. But yes, it's hard when you've got a crush! Most of us have been there mate.

Re dating-I think it would be good since you've had such little experience, to develop a social circle and support system first. Dating has it's own ups and downs, you need that behind you. You need it anyway whether you're "dating " or not, and it will make you happier and more confident. Now is the right time to start developing one. It takes a while. The friendships will come, and through them in many ways will come opportunities to get together with guys that mean more and the physical part will come, will come at the right time and feel right. Your apprehension is understandable (tell you about mine one day), but not insurmountable. You tackle it by degrees.

Don't let your family or your church stand in your way. This is your life, and you need to live it as your own. Basic human right, hmm?

I'm cooking chili tonight. Be great if you could come over and we could just talk. But that's a lot of swimming.

 

Well let me say this, I feel ya buddy! I came out in my upper 30s with little or no support and in rural Colorado after being raised in rural Mississippi! It gets better for sure. I went through the gay adolescence I never had. Spent way too much time at Gay Clubs, dated guys way younger than me, listened to too much Lady Gaga. But through it all I learned to lighten up a little, make some great friends and forgive myself. And you know what? You will too! My best advice is to date and meet as many guys as possible. Also don't forget to make some great straight friends that love you for being you. My Straight friends that I am openly out to have been my greatest advocates! The best is yet to come for you, I am so excited for your journey!

 

Runnerrunner
I'm reading some more of your earlier posts, and getting to know your situation better. I'm going to think about them some before another reply. But a big hug for you mate meanwhile. Go on, you know you want it!

 

Have you got a contingency plan in the event it turns out that you don't like intimacy with a guy?

 

Runnerrunner, I know exactly what you mean. Even in my best relationships, I have always felt that ultimately, I was alone. From the many years of therapy and reading I have done, I understand it is due to factors during childhood that made you feel 'different'. For me it was a combination of things, including 2 extremely disturbed parents and a facial birthmark, but of course it's different for everyone.

I'm just separating from my partner too so I'm no guru on relationships but in my humble opinion, I think we can meet someone special but, ironically, only when we've come to grips with our loneliness. You simply can't depend on someone else to fill the hole. It's too much pressure for them and you will end up feeling unsatisfied too.

For me, friendships have been the thing that has kept me alive. I think you need to spend some time finding a hobby or 2 that you really love; things that give you joy. Start chatting to people who also do your hobby, make some new friends. It will take time, but you need to start building a new life for yourself that doesn't need a partner to complete it.

I know, I know... easier said than done, right? But if people have written this in books, then surely someone else must have felt the way we do and come through it the other side saying, "I've figured it out!"

Maybe a counsellor could help you in the meantime to get through the really dark period?

Sending my hugs to you Runner. X

 

I concur, no one will cure your loneliness...ironic but very true. I have felt alone in a crowd, in a family, at work....loneliness is, I think, another issue, and I also agree that you need to discover, with the help of others if need be, what that issue is, preferably before you enter into a relationship that you think will save you...

 

You already have the worst behind you - the agony of deciding whether to divorce or stay...

 

Yes, just do it. Find a counsellor you're comfortable with. And start the practical work too, of widening your social circle to break out of that bell jar you're in. Take yourself to your nearest big city and do both. Make it a regular thing. You need to come up for air.

 

I think you have some work to do to organise your thoughts and feelings at this important time - and a good counsellor would be very helpful

I am sure a therapist would advise developing a new circle of gay friends as your new life takes shape. Rather than putting all your hopes on this one guy. You need a support network .. like EC people in real life !

All takes time and effort. If you do live in a small community I can see how that may be a challenge but you have to be in a place where it is shared and not all privately bottled up inside your head !!

(*hug*)

 

BIG HUGS... it is a tough thing. No one can make that easier for you. Just feel it, accept it. Its part of your life now, its your journey.

When you're ready, reach out, step out of your comfort zone. When I went through all this, the best piece of advice I got was, now is not the time for you to be strong but to be weak. To me that meant, I couldn't do it myself. I needed to lean on others -- both dear friends and a bunch of support groups.

You will meet men and date and or hook up when you step out and do so. It IS scary -- my fear was rejection. I've learned that without trying, nothing happens. I told myself I will not sit on the sofa under a blanket with the cats watching TV. I found (gay, LGBT) support groups to go to, events to attend.

While I don't miss many of the aspects of the female relationship that ended, I truly miss the friendship-companionship-intimacy. I truly miss dreaming together about the future and all the hopes we had. I am no where near finding a man to have that with. Its ok. Life is a journey. It is fun, laughs. There are guys who I care about and who care for me. I have done things I have never done before relationship wise, sexually. Finally, finally I am becoming the man I was born to be. So what if some of us are doing this later in life than others?! Living the life I was meant to live is so empowering, that's happiness - it has nothing to do with having the perfect boyfriend or being with my forever Mr. Right. And yes, I do stand for having that someday.

Be caring and compassionate to yourself. What you're going through is hard. You will start creating your life again now. Some days little bitty steps. Other days you'll look back and be astounded at what you did. I promise you, you will smile & laugh again. For now, take a breath, hug yourself, cry if you need to. We're all here for you and have been through our own shitty journeys too.

 

Great advice Pete, funny how any of us in the "same boat" can relate exactly to what you're saying....

I'll throw my hat in; it is a difficult road, one that many have traveled before you. I hope knowing that you are NOT alone does help some (it did for me when I discovered I wasn't this odd duck suffering with all these feelings by myself), and just know that it takes a long time for the dust to settle (so be patient and give yourself a lot of leeway).

Your friend/person of interest might also be a bit distant because he's also waiting for everything to "settle" in your life before taken anything further, or he has his own demons to deal with? What ever the reason, just give it some time and see where it goes. I know it's really hard (I've been there, done that) but I'm hear to tell you that time does heal, so don't be in a rush for "anything" in your life right now.

 

I am going to apologize ahead of time if my comments come off as harsh or unsupportive. Let me just say that I can empathize with you on so many levels. I am writing from a perspective of understanding, as someone who has done battle with loneliness and the disequilibrium that comes as result of radical life changes.

That said I wanted to tell you that you have an amazing gift presented to you right now in the situation in which you find yourself. It sounds to me (as it is/was for many of us) that you have spent many years of your life distracted by spouse, family, work, home, etc. from being able to do the work you need to do. You have now shed many of those distractions and have the opportunity to get down to the work at hand. That work is building a more authentic life, self-acceptance, and letting go.

Many of the steps you have already taken have moved you in the direction of greater authenticity. Now it is time to focus on self-acceptance. As Precious Venus and Greatwhale all mentioned in one way or another, looking externally for fulfillment, acceptance, and wholeness is never going to truly satisfy or if it does it will only be momentarily. Why, because all relationships, like all things, are impermanent and ever changing. Look at your marriage as an example. When you entered into it with your wife you did so attempting to have certain needs met. You probably thought at one point that once you were married, perhaps had a family, maybe after you bought your first house, got that great job . . . everything would come together and you would be “happy,” satisfied, and content. Well all those things have changed; the satisfaction they provided was only temporary; you have changed and your needs have changed. That is the nature of life.

The suffering you are experiencing right now (like all suffering) comes from grasping or pushing away and you are doing a little of both. You are grasping for a relationship and in particular a relationship with this man you have been dating. You are pushing away the uncomfortable feelings of loneliness and I am guessing disequilibrium. What I mean about this opportunity being an amazing gift is that having divested yourself of some of life’s distractions you can now choose to spend time simply being in the present moment and getting to know the real you. Instead of trying to eradicate feelings of loneliness I would invite you to welcome them in and see them for what they truly are — mental constructs that are impermanent just like everything else. Observe how they enter in and then eventually transform and move on. You can also take this time to work on self-acceptance and learning to fully love yourself. Like PeteNJ said above, now is the time for self-compassion. Once you are able to truly love yourself you will no longer be ruled by your fears and will recognize that you are already whole just as you are, no need to add anything.

I can’t remember who wrote this, but I think it describes the liberation to which I am eluding.

“You are free to fly, and to reach this stage you have been able to see the true beauty in allowing those you love to be who they truly are. If love flutters your way and magically lands in the palm of your hand, you admire, in amazement, the beauty of this other being, and would not dare clutch your hand as this would only lead to damage.”

This I believe is true love. What we often think is love is in actuality attachment. Because of our fears we end up using another to fill some desperate need, deluding ourselves that this will be the one and that it will be a permanent fix, that our loneliness and unhappiness will be gone for good. Life just doesn’t work out that way. There are no guarantees and life is very unpredictable. But you can end the suffering through being authentic (not living your life under external dictates), self-acceptance (recognizing that you have everything you need in this very moment to be content and at peace — nothing missing), and by letting go (letting go of grasping and of pushing away — accepting what is, and knowing it is all impermanent).

So although it sounds counter intuitive, embracing your loneliness right now will actually ease the pain. Spend some quality time with just you. Try and dig at the source of your fears and anxieties, and then work on letting that go.

I wish you ease. And remember, one moment at a time.

 

Wise words PeteNJ. EC should have a convention sometime, it would be so good to meet for real. I'd fly over for that.

 

I'm sorry for your loneliness, Runnerrunner. I understand both what it is to be alone and be lonely. I don't mind being alone and actually derive peace and recharge from quiet times reading, gardening, surfing around the internets, etc. But when the alone morphs into overwhelmingly lonely, that is much harder to deal with. It's exactly what you've described, and it sucks.

I think age can compound the loneliness, especially if we have a big life change when we're older, such as coming out. Suddenly we're faced with starting over—for some this is liberating, while for others this is terrifying and isolating. It's something I've been struggling with myself.

The deceptively simple solution for loneliness is to find people to be with, but if it were so easy then so many of us wouldn't be so lonely. Nevertheless, I keep hearing from others here that the only way out of the depths is to "keep climbing". Easier said than done, I know—the climb can be so steep and exhausting—but keep moving we must!

I'm sorry I don't have the magic answer, but even though you're feeling very alone, I wanted to let you know that I hear your cry...

 

Have you ever considered spending some time figuring out what you want your life to look like? One of my jobs is that I'm a part-time life coach. And I've talked to so many people that don't have any idea what they want their life to be like. Normally, the recommendation is that if you're going through a divorce, you need to spend a minimum of a year finding yourself before starting another relationship.

Another thing is call the local LGBT center and see if they have any support groups going. It might help talking, in real life, to others going through the same thing.