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How much do you tell your family?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Patrick1982, Aug 13, 2013.

  1. Patrick1982

    Patrick1982 Guest

    Hi everyone,

    I hope you are all having a great week thus far. :slight_smile:

    For those who are "out" to your family, how much do you actually tell them about your "gay" life?

    I will be turning 31 soon. I have been "out" to the majority of my friends since I was 21. However, I did not come out to my parents until shortly after my 30th birthday. For this reason, I consider myself out later-in-life.

    My parents pretty much embody the stereotypical reactions. My dad openly told me that he is against the homosexual lifestyle, but said that he will always love me.

    My mom was more intent on preserving my feelings. She gave a resigned smile, and patted my knee; but made no eye contact with me.

    In the 10 months that have passed since then, the topic has only come up 3 or 4 times. Both of them suddenly "busy" themselves when it comes up. My dad picks up the New York Times. My mom begins wiping counter-tops that are already clean, while offering the occasional "Oh?" and "Really?"

    While I do want to respect boundaries, I also believe that their opinions will never have the potential to change if they're never exposed to "gay talk." I don't mean explicit details about sexual escapades. Just, maybe, the fact that I'm going out on a date. Or that a celebrity they like has come out.

    So, how comfortable is your family when it comes to discussing your sexuality? Have you found that it becomes a more accessible subject with time? Or have you given up and just decided that it's a brick wall?
     
    #1 Patrick1982, Aug 13, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 13, 2013
  2. RainbowMan

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    I just came out to my parents in Feb. It's still very much a "DADT" sort of subject.

    I'm hoping it gets better with time, eventually I'd like to bring a bf to meet them :slight_smile:. Of course, I have to *have* a bf first :grin:
     
  3. bdman

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    Yes, you are exactly right about if you don't talk about it with your parents, they won't have the opportunity to evolve. How often do you see your parents?

    It's been a year since I told my parents and things have been awkward. I just had another conversation with my mom. She would prefer I stay celibate but I told her if I ever got the chance to be with someone, I would choose to be happy. Next I had to ask her if I had someone special in my life can I bring them to meet you. She actually told me yes. My dad is another story, but this is a huge leap for them. It's awkward too because I live near them and have a huge family so I see them at least twice a month at some family gathering.

    Trouble is if I make headway with my parents there are still like 30 other people I have to talk to in my family. Well I guess little kids don't count.
     
  4. Patrick1982

    Patrick1982 Guest

    RainbowMan, I hear you loud and clear!!! Congrats on coming out. It appears that our situations are aligned, almost to the month. Keep me posted on your progress with them.

    ---------- Post added 13th Aug 2013 at 08:37 PM ----------

    Yikes, bdman. That's quite the "audience." I'm happy, at least, that your mom is open to meeting guys who may enter your life. I hear that gay marriage may become legal in IL within the next year. Maybe there will be some peer pressure to "get with the times"? I hate to say it like that, but kind of true, right? LOL

    We have 'family dinners' at my parents' house with my 2 siblings every other Sunday. It just hurts me sometimes that they are so eager to hear details about my straight siblings' romantic lives; but when I bring up my own, they basically just wait for me to trail off. It's an imbalance. Sigh.
     
  5. PeteNJ

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    Ha -- guys your stories sound like mine.

    I wasn't going to tell my parents, then realized it just wasn't fair to my kids to have to keep secrets about me.

    Initially my Mom just sort of looked politely pained, and was probably thinking "please don't tell the neighbors." My Dad was very sweet, hugged me, put his arm around me and said he just wanted me to be happy. I tried to be very clear, btw, when I told them -- I'm gay AND dating men.

    [I see my parents every couple weeks, so not frequent, but often enough]

    A bit later, I told them I was dating a doctor, shared a bit about him, his family, etc. Not so much to make them think it was some crazy love affair, but to have them get its real in my life and that I'm happy. Dad asked questions and talked about it. Not at a deep level, but he talked. Mom, still, avoided it completely - started putzing in the kitchen. I was actually pretty depressed about it that day. I'm an only kid and have always been so close to them, so my Mom's distance really hurt.

    Of course, in hind sight, I've been dealing with being gay for a long time. They needed some space and time to process.

    More recently saw my folks and my Mom actually brought up if I'm happy, who I'm seeing. I was moved -- cause I know it was obviously a stretch for her to be able to talk with me about me being gay.

    I've told them and shown them pictures of me marching in the NJ and NYC Gay pride parades as well. Maybe they were relieved to see me wearing shorts/t-shirt and nothing more flamboyant. :slight_smile:

    I've told them I've gone away with guys, stay over, etc. -- not so much about the details, but letting them know that I'm not alone and that I'm really very happy!
     
  6. coreyl13

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    Very. They ars great we always joke about it. And I'll comment oh he's cute and my mom will be like uh yea. And my dad always tries hooking me up with ppl. The D is always joked about. When me and my mom get annoyed with eachother ill say go suck a D and she will say ill leave that to you and ill say I probly do a better job lol. Nothing to hide I'm so glad its that way.
     
  7. Filip

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    Well, I came out to my mom in 2009. Ever since, it's come up precisely zero times. So it's very don't ask don't tell.

    Now, mind you, there isn't a total moratorium on "gay topics" or anything. My mom is perfectly supportive of equality, and doesn't mind a discussion on why I don't donate to the Salvation Army or why I crossed Russia off my "places to visit" list.
    But if it comes to actually mentioning I'm personally gay, she'll change the topic in a heartbeat. If that fails, she'll just flat-out ignore me.

    Same with my family, really. I never actively came out to them, but they know. In fact, they mention it to e.g. my brother when I'm not around ("so, does Filip have a boyfriend yet?"). When I'm around them, however, it gets vaguely tiptoed around at best.

    It's pretty much par for the course with my family, though. There isn't really any way to tackle subjects head-on. You have to dance around them and take little stabs and in the end everyone is on the same page without outside observers even being sure what was discussed. So while it's a bit frustrating, it's also nothing I'm particularily worrying about.

    On the bright side, it will also mean that introducing a boyfriend is pretty easy. Sure, at first they'll act as if he's "just a friend" that I somehow hang out with all the time, and sit next to all the time and sleep in the same bed with, but there's no real doubt they wouldn't be fundamentally accepting.
     
  8. Californiacoast

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    Growing up in Mississippi, I spent alot of years bringing home girls as dates, and the guys that came home were football buddies or hunting partners. It was difficult for my folks to get this paradigm out of their head when I visited them in Colorado one weekend and announced I was gay! Conversations since then don't focus on my sexuality, however a highlight was bringing a boyfriend home for "gay Christmas" I have had some testy conversations with Mom after a break-up with a guy, where she just hurt for my hurt, I suppose. I am in the unfortunate situation that mom has early onset Alzheimers. I actually had to come out to her several times before we figured it out. Now she tries to set me up with female caregivers, and I just have to smile and give her a hug. ( I have come out to alot of caregivers :slight_smile: Dad has been quiet through all of this. I want to tell him I was on the Safety Comittee for San Francisco Pride, helping 1.5 million people, but not sure if he wants to hear it. I think mostly I just talk sports, Broncos Football, and Duck hunting, like we always have and he is happy. He did buy me a magazine about out business men once. It meant alot. I bought him a book about the gay vs Christian debate for his Birthday. He never mentioned it again, lol. Baby steps I guess!
     
  9. Patrick1982

    Patrick1982 Guest

    PeteNJ: LOL about your conservative dress-code at Pride events. I think my parents envision my trips to the local, laidback gay bar as an STD-ridden tryst through the backroom of Babylon (from "Queer as Folk")! I want so badly to tell them that it's just a bunch of guys sitting on stools, chatting away like normal people; but again, the subject itself is not welcome.

    P.S. Congrats on dating the doctor :thumbsup:

    Coreyl13: "I'd do a better job." HAHAHAAAA! I can't ever imagine dropping that line in my mom's presence, but I'm glad someone out there could get away with it!

    Filip: Funny how it's "open season" on global gay issues; but when it's their own son/brother, they clam up. Oh, family politics.

    Californiacoast: LOL about coming out to caregivers! I'm sorry about your mother. That must be rough. And you've actually awakened me to the fact that I will probably be in your situation in a decade or so. Your dad buying you the Out Businessmen magazine is pretty huge! My dad would not be seen handling a magazine like that in public. LOL
     
  10. ive been out for almost 7 years (properly) and it still isnt any easier haha.

    i never tell about dates im going on, dates ive been on. anything. i would tell if i did get a girlfriend though but not until she was thinking of coming over and meeting my parents. sounds harsh i know but i still feel i have to hide that part of my life away asits all very hush hush.

    i did speak about it in the past when i had a relationship but my parents werent interested at all and never asked 'oh hows ___ doing?' so why should i bother? my parents met my ex once in the entire year we dated, and hated her from 1 meeting in a public place she wasnt ever allowed home. i did bring a girl home a few times before my ex relationship and it always ended badly, so i just dont bother now lol.

    i wish it was something i could talk about though. its no different to being straight :\
     
  11. greatwhale

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    After reading the above, I think we are all far too polite...

    I am a bit cheeky with my mother, and I often make a point of discussing being gay, knowing full well she is uncomfortable, I don't care. I'm a grown up, so is she, and she needs to hear it. I will consider my efforts a success when she initiates a conversation on this topic (she actually used the word: "relations" to describe what me and my former BF did...which was progress, of sorts)

    To me, silence = repression; not talking about something = keeping things out of consciousness, and it is insidious, because it perpetuates itself and the silence takes over.

    Our pride parades are necessary, even where we have same-sex marriage and all equality rights in part because it can be so easy to just shut up about it, and if we don't work very hard at keeping the conversation going, the repression will return, guaranteed.

    Sexuality, heck just plain sex is hard enough to talk about in our culture. Which is why one so often hears the comment: "I'm all for equality and all, but they don't have to rub my face in it!"

    Well yes, we're not going to shut up about it...until such time as it becomes as normal and natural to talk about gay relationships as it is to talk about hetero relationships.
     
    #11 greatwhale, Aug 14, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2013
  12. Runnerrunner

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    My mother has only known that I'm gay for a couple months, and she's completely disgusted by me and misses no opportunity to declare how horrible I am, that I'm selfish and ruining my family's life, "all for sex!". It's lovely. However, this is pretty typical behavior for her. My parents (dad's gone now) were never very loving. It was always more about rules and image than love and nurturing. She's super religious, but likes to use only the parts of the bible that suit her.

    It still hurts, of course. I'm going to meet her soon to give her an ultimatum. She makes me so unhappy, that there is just no room in my shit life for more of her crap. I don't expect to share anything of my new life with her.
     
  13. bdman

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    A couple weeks ago I had dinner at my parents. My mom asked how are things going with that thing you told us last year. I said huh? She repeated that thing you told us last year. You haven't said much about it in a long time. Now I knew what she was talking about But wanted her to actually say the words. I asked her what thing again? You know that Secret could you told us last year. Say the words mom go ahead say it. She finally did.
     
  14. greatwhale

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    :grin:

    I know right? ugh!
     
  15. Californiacoast

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    Greatwhale you make a good point. It certainly resonates that silence may equal some level of fear or self loathing. However in practice, it's difficult to bring up taboo subjects in families, even if it is your own life! Brings up another thought lately: marriage. So prop 8 is defeated in California. I can marry now. What does that look like??? I meet a super guy, fall in love, and send the folks wedding invitations? Meet the future son in law? It's like I have a whole nuther level of coming out to do! Of course my therapist said I could just not tell them, lol!
     
  16. greatwhale

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    I know how difficult it can be, but if the silence continues, our gay relationships will fall under that category of things unsaid, swallowed up into some hidden region...and the shame continues because they are unsaid.
     
  17. WindMelody

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    telling my family has helped so much...it's always good to