I'm 36. About 4 months ago I had a passing thought that maybe I was gay, as a random hypothetical about something. My body reacted with a little sweating, as if someone had caught me. It was a strange jolt of nervousness. I have identified as straight for my whole life and was married. Whatever it was that I stumbled upon, it made an impact. When I agree with this feeling that I am gay, my whole body un-tenses and I feel normal. So I have been following and listening to that feeling as much as possible, as if it feels like a light I need to follow. It's also terrifying, and something I keep on railing against. I have shared this with a few people(I am lucky to have wonderful people in my life). I think I am still trying to let myself accept this. It's odd, because I have felt off, or dissociated for about a decade now. Now it feels like I finally have the information I need to move forward with my life. To be more confident and present, and to possibly have access to the intuition that I have cut off. I don't know who this person is yet. I don't know what I have repressed exactly and how it is manifested. I don't know how this is going to change things, but I feel like it will be the most extraordinary change I will ever make. My issue that I am having now is that I don't know how to proceed. I want to accept myself, and I need to test this with a man. I have never had any intimate contact with a man. I haven't ever consciously thought about it as something I wanted to do. The thought of it seems weird, and mostly is like a huge question mark. I can barely even keep eye contact with a man if I think he is gay and possibly flirting with me. I wonder how I am ever going to have the courage to try this out? My other issue is that I crave and lust for sexual contact with women constantly and I look for scenarios for me to set up situations where I could have spontaneous sex with women I find desirable. It doesn't happen that often, because most of the time I don't let it, and often don't want to hurt someone's feeling if they are also a friend. But I continue to look for opportunities and I am attractive, so I can make it happen. It is a cycle that seems to be stealing away my life. I get obsessive about it, and I know it is keeping me from being successful in profound ways. The next day I always feel low. I am sure they are probably connected. My deep repression has intense side effects. I'd like to end this cycle, but keep dragging myself back in. I don't know if I am looking for answers or just needed to introduce myself to this community of people that I have been reading their stories. Thanks.
Hello StellarJ1, Welcome to EC! Few have ever described their feelings quite as well, or as nuanced, as you have here. You had a passing thought about being gay, and suddenly you had a strange feeling, right? I know that feeling. It's that dip or a twist in the stomach. I can't describe it any other way... What was that "passing thought"? Could it have always been there, but finally somehow broken through to your consciousness? Even in that brief passing thought, your body resonated with it, as if recognizing something deeply important. You describe being at peace in those moments when you agree (surrender?) to the thought of being gay. I, and many others here know that feeling too. Most describe it as a weight being lifted off shoulders. You describe it beautifully, as "a light I need to follow". If a man were a guinea pig, I would say, go ahead and try it with a man; see what it's like. But a man is a human being, not an experiment. Sure, you could find a hookup, male or female, in minutes, but I assure you that you won't learn the right things that way. Your body may react very strongly in that situation, but there will always be something missing. Take it from me, I know. Until I fully accepted that I am gay, engaging in hookups was like being caught in an elaborate labyrinth, populated by strangers and shallow, or nonexistent, feelings. This is not to say, however, that you need to adopt a label for yourself in order to break out of the cycle you describe. I am simply saying that whatever relationship you get into, with a man or a woman, ought to be deeper than a hookup. It may not work out, but the difference is that you are attempting to know someone more deeply, which in turn is the only way to get to know yourself more deeply.
Hi Stellar and welcome. 'all the information I need' ... that sounds familiar. In my case also 'how come it took me so long to see it' Have you considered that you may be bi? Greatwhale, this is probably the first time I read something like that about hook ups and experimenting. Thank you.
Hello Stellar! I was 38 and in Denver when I had those deep gut feelings you describe. Wow, they can be scary! I remember leaving a friends house one night and summoning the courage to walk into a local gay bar, my first one! I was scared to death! I ran up to the second floor and sat next to a girl who was very attractive and wearing an Ohio State Jersey. We talked football and after a couple of drinks she gave me the best advice. "if you don't know if you are gay or straight, and you have only dated girls, spend the summer dating guys and you will know." She was right.
