So, here I am, first post and I'm about to tell a story y'all have probably read a thousand times before and are all "eye-rolls" and "fucking hell not again" and "Jesus Christ won't you just spit it out already you god damn closet case" and "no really, we're full of anticipation to read about your highly original journey of self discovery, why don't you call it Heart of Benderism, everyone will love the Conrad reference" and "fuck me, you still haven't said jackshit" and so I better get on with it and did I say thanks for reading? No? Well thanks for reading. So, I'm in my mid 30's and I'm still thoroughly entrapped in this god damn closet and to be honest it is becoming less and less comfortable in this here, dark dank, full-of-pointy-objects pointing and poking into me. In fact all the pointing and poking is starting to make it pretty painful. Like so many of us sexuals of the homo varietal I heard that cliched voice when entering adolescence. "I am gay, I am gay, I am gay," it said, with a tad more panache and force and glee than I thought it had a right to - a sense of entitlement I didn't think it had yet earned. Coincidentally this inner-voice just happened to spring up about the same time I noticed "poof" and "fag" being thrown around the junior high school playground, pejoratively and derisively as only those words can be used. And who are these poofs and fags, I thought to myself, Holy shitballs Batman! I think they might be talking about me, better not tell anyone. And so I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself. I hid in the shade, away from the glare. And besides, I liked heavy metal and punk and hip hop and none of that "gay music" for the gay people, there's no fucking way you can like metal and punk and hip hop and be gay. It's pretty much a biological fact that gayness and those types of music just don't synergise in human form, maybe gay owls like metal but not gay humans so therefore I can not be gay because of the biological facts. (Wrong Marge - Simspsons reference ftw). And so I've held onto that absurd bit of illogical rationalism for the best part of 20 years. I held onto it while having sex with my one and only girlfriend whilst in my early 20's. I held onto it when having sex with both prostitutes (female) I managed to embarrass myself with - It's not working, it's not working, it's not working. Oh it's working and oh it's done. I've held onto it when I get big fat boners about guys. And when I look at gay porn. And when I joined gay dating sites only to lose my balls and delete my accounts. Even last year when I decided to get some god damn therapy so I could stop being a god damn fake I still clung to this nonsensical notion of not being gay cause I like "straight music". And so clinging on like the clingingest on-est clinger-onnerer whoever did cling-on to a thing to cling, talked myself out of therapy and back into straightland. Only I'm not straight I'm gay. And I'm god damn exhausted - and paradoxically sick of saying god damn especially seeing as I'm one of those dirty unbeliverers. I'm exhausted of pretending and lying, to myself and everyone else, so damn (see no God) exhausted. Exhausted of the lies and avoiding gay people lest I might suddenly catch the gayness which I'd already caught (I mean no one wants to be a Double Gay - those Double Gays so bloody double and gay). Sick of avoiding women lest they might show romantic inclinations towards me and so, being gutless, go through with it and create an embarrassing and uncomfortable experience for us both. But most of all I'm sick of not enjoying my life by avoiding making goo-goo eyes at some hottie dude who might be making goo-goo eyes back at me and turning goo-goo eyes into something intimate and real. So, being sick of all that, I figured I'd vent on here and organise to see my therapist again so I can deprogramme and reprogramme myself and come out and be honest be the best damn heavy metal loving gayboy there ever was (well, at least, the best me I can be). I'm not going to thank you for reading, because I already thanked you at the start, remember? Doubling up on thank yous can lead to spinal bending.... no it can't. Thank you.:icon_bigg
THANK YOU for sharing your story. :icon_bigg I agree that it is best for you to reconnect with a therapist. You might also consider a different one if you didn't feel comfortable with the one you had originally. You might make more progress if that's the case. Also, don't stress about having retreated back into the closet. We can't change our past decisions. Only our future ones are within our control. Some people are able to burst out of the closet running. For some of us, it is more of a cha-cha!
Hey buddy, just remember this: you don't have to apologize for anything, especially your coming out story! We all have ours. Each is a bit different. Each is a bit or alot painful. I like your music theory. Mine was wrapped up in sports ie. Football rugby and religion. Others are mired in a wife and three kids. I am pulling for you. At some point the pain begins to lessen. Don't know how or why. It just feels good being your true self. BTW, Gay music where I came out was Country and Western...go figure. ;-) Love a Homo Rodeo in Colorado!
Cheers for the advice mate. Yeah, I'm mos def going to make an appointment with my former therapist. She was pretty good and we had some kinda rapport it was just I still was fighting the demon of doubt and inaction. ---------- Post added 15th Aug 2013 at 08:00 PM ---------- Thanks to you for the advice also. Yeah I had the sport thing going too. It was like, 'I like metal and I like football, that means I'm twice as ungay.' Ha ha, pretty funny when I think about it: I actually thought this would stop me from having same-sex attraction or at the very least it sublimated the gayness within me; no matter that my wang lusted after guys, nah I like metal and footy so therefore it's not really getting excited by other men. Ha ha.
Hi Ideate Me, welcome to EC! I loved reading your post, quite entertaining (which made up for its length )! Check out the Later in Life section if you haven't already, lots of similar stories of self-delusion, denial, divorce, lust, revelation and freedom. Oh, we have them all! Good for you for taking this bull (so to speak) by the horns and confronting the truth, it ain't pretty, there will be regret, but you can't change the past, so forgive yourself and move on. Someone here brought up a quote from Lily Tomlin which is perfect for this happy occasion: "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."
I think a whole lot of us grew up thinking of "gay" as some weird and unfamiliar life STYLE that we had to fit into, as opposed to just the basic ORIENTATION and gut instinct of being physically and emotionally turned on by other guys. There's a boatload of stereotypes out there and a lot of us can fit into some of them pretty well (guilty here, although for the life of me I just don't get that whole Judy Garland thing! lol). But being gay doesn't mean you can't be a metalhead, and if you want to beat the crap ouut of some jerk who calls you a fag, I for one have not problem with it! Hope it all goes well for you.
Oh - wow - you made my day. I'm so glad I decided to check in before even getting out of bed! Your account of your gay Awakening (Kate Chopin reference to match your Conrad, but hopefully without the soggy ending) is simply fantastic. As I've said of my own ridiculous story, this shit would be fascinating if it weren't my own real life. You're awesome, and I wish you the best. As you'll quickly find out there are a lot of us in this shitfest.
Don't beat yourself up for being 'late'. Many are 'late but great'. Place your energy in the present and all the future exciting changes ahead for you !!! I do think therapy will be very helpful in the process.. (*hug*)
This is a process and it's up to each of us to make our own decisions about the where and when, etc. Thanks for sharing your story.
I loved reading this! I'm actually wondering if I secretly wrote it, a lot applies to me I'm a strong believer in therapy, but you need to find a therapist that you can connect to and be completely open with. For me, this is a gay male therapist (of course, that doesn't mean that I'd connect with EVERY gay male therapist), and I look forward to our time every week. The one thing different (OK, pretty much the same) between you and I is that I have never been in any sort of relationship, gay or straight. If a girl were to come on to me, I'd find some excuse to excuse myself, and a guy - well, I haven't even been able to accept that possibility until about the last year or so. :welcome: to EC, I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for here!
Thanks gays, I mean guys. Your positive vibes have come through the internets, all the way to the land Down Under, all sparkling and glowing and helping thaw-out my trepidation. Here's a metal song I wrote for you all. No, I didn't, Tool did. Tool wrote it just for y'all. Um, no, they wrote it for everyone. I am however posting it for y'all. It's called Aenima. No, don't go there with your dirty minds and all: it's a metaphor and it's beautifully melodic. [YOUTUBE]uCEeAn6_QJo[/YOUTUBE] Anyway, (&&&), yay for (&&&)s.
Hey pal Your original post a ripping great read. Saw myself there. Yup, that closet's not a nice place. And I've ten years or more on you. Maybe coming out's not so much like putting on a new suit as slipping into something more comfortable!
Have just read your post. Amazing! How many nails can you hit on the head in one go.. and with amazing good humour! With you all the way on so much of what you said - as I guess you've quickly worked out are lots of us 'late but great' ECers! Q: do you think you use your intelligence and wit (which i loved shining through your post) to hide actually doing some real 'coming out'? I can ask this, because until 2 years ago I most definitely did. I have 10+ years on you and my advice (for what its worth) is for all the clever games we play with ourselves about whether to "Be free or not to be free". In the end we have to grit our teeth, choose our moment and just start telling people we are gay. And by that not just a therapist (altho again from experience seeing one is really helpful too). The telling can be dramatic, painful, not the kind of thing you'd usually do (being reserved and male and all that ...speaking for myself!), but once its done (for me) the release and relief was IMMENSE and if you then have the guts to keep the momentum going it gets easier and easier and better and better. Having said that its not been a walk in the park for me either - and all the internal dialogue about "not being gay enough to be gay" - can spurt out as a massive realisation about how much internalised homophobia I had been nurturing. Old hidden problems can turn into new open challenges. And obviously coming out becomes a life times journey. BUT its worth it a million times. It is better to be the person you really are... Good luck and keep posting. EC is a great website..
What a great sense of awareness of yourself as a gay man you have! And yeah, looking back, seems like a lot of us here (and there are A LOT of us here!) -- want to kick ourselves for not accepting & living out as gay so much earlier in our lives. I'm learning that compassion is a damn good thing to give myself. And yes, life was stressful, depressing, and way too damn much work for me until I started on my coming out journey. Keep making goo-goo eyes at guys you like... Stay with your shrink, get gay support in your life (meaning, IRL, not just online), and the EC community and I predict before you know it you'll be living the life you want and deserve!
