Hi All This is going to be quite a long one! This is my first time post here and by way of an introduction / friendly hello I thought I would tell you my story. I still have a ways to go, but I have learnt a few things about myself and about being bisexual and I know I would have appreciated it if someone had shared a few of these things with me before I started on this journey of accepting myself. So I had a pretty tough time growing up; lived on the wrong side of town, poor, parents that fought all the time, was sexually abused by a guy at the age of 4 (as far back as I can remember), which continued till I was about 8 or 9. It's strange how we all cope with these obstacles differently in our lives - I “self-medicated” with food and growing up I was always overweight. Even as a small child I remember being on diets and being told that I needed to exercise more and eat less. Because of the inherent shame I felt I became the classic "perfect" child. I achieved very well academically and culturally, was head prefect, very popular and had lots of friends. All of this even whilst being moderately overweight - I was always pretty self-confident. Basically my life away from home was a refuge for all the unhappiness I felt there. I was (and still am underneath it all) a very anxious person and growing up I was terrified of 2 things: 1. That my parents would end up getting divorced and 2. That something would happen to my sister (who I felt very protective of). Ironically both of these things happened at pretty pivotal moments in my life. My parents’ relationship really started deteriorating during my high school years and in my final year of school they ended up getting divorced. I became aware of my bisexuality at about 14 - 15, but growing up in a very religious household I suppressed the gay side of myself. I met a very special girl during my high school years and was confident that these "other" thoughts would go away. It was never that I felt pressured to be with girls - I was genuinely sexually attracted to them - I just also felt a sexual attraction towards boys too. I have always been attracted to a person and not just a gender. I could be just as passionate, aroused, etc. with a man or a woman. However because of my home situation, my parents’ marriage falling apart and my religious upbringing I never explored my sexual attraction towards men. After school I went off to University and continued dating this wonderful girl I met at school. During this period I "buried" these homosexual feelings, really believing that they were evil, and that I could "pray away the gay". My childhood abuse I buried so deeply that it was only after the birth of my first child that I started remembering what I had been through. During my second last year at University my sister died. My whole family was devastated and my parents (now divorced, but actually quite amicably so) really needed to lean on me during this difficult period. Once again I chose the route of the "perfect" son and continued to suppress this whole other side of myself, just at a time when I was starting to question all these feelings again (I was 21 – 22 years old at that time). I convinced myself that I could live a life in denial of these feelings and that I was in control. My wife and I got engaged and married shortly after I left university. My twenties and early thirties were a really busy time, I was studying further and working and amidst all of this we had our children. I was always very "happy" (but continuing to put on more and more weight); my wife is an amazing person, we were blessed with beautiful, healthy children and my career was progressing excellently. After my first child was born I started "reliving" the events of my childhood (probably fueled by the protective instincts I felt towards him and my subconscious not wanting anyone to hurt him in the way I had been). I also became more aware that I was denying a HUGE part of myself. During the last 2 years, as my life has become more settled (finished with studies, in a very stable fulfilling job, kids all a bit older), I have found myself at times becoming more and more depressed and nihilistic (just nothing could make me feel anything – just always feeling numb inside). I have always been someone who really enjoys attacking a problem or a project and ticking everything off the list as it's completed, and I realised that I felt like so many of the BIG moments and plans for my life had already been achieved. But mostly I realised that I could no longer live in denial of this other huge part of myself. With the reliving of my childhood trauma my sexual attraction towards men really started surfacing. At first I "blamed" these feelings on my history of child abuse (this big secret no one, except my abuser, knew about). But one of my big "aha moments" after LOADS of self reflection occurred only very recently: I now believe this abuse never created my homosexual feelings - the abuse and subsequent life events just made me bury my gay feelings ever deeper. In fact I may even have been gay and these events "made" me bisexual. I go around and around on this whole topic (kind of a chicken or the egg scenario), but what I do know for sure is that I am now attracted to men and women and that I need to be able to express myself completely. I recently came out to my wife, with all of the above. I was so anxious before telling her that I was really at crisis point. I had even at times started considering suicide, it just all seemed too much to confront. On the outside I looked so put together, but on the inside I was literally dying. I was really scared my wife would leave me, that I would lose my children, that I would lose my friends, etc. etc. When I told her she immediately said that she had suspected something was up. I had become more withdrawn emotionally and sexually over the last few years and she knew that it was because of something I was dealing with, but she knew I needed to resolve it in my own time. She also said that I am so in control in all aspects of my life that my over-eating / comfort eating made her wonder what I was trying to suppress. I told her that what I really feared was not that my feelings for her would change (because nothing had really changed for me), but that she would now see me differently and not feel the same anymore. Over the course of a few weeks and MANY conversations it became clear that she could accept this other side of me. She still doesn’t know if she can accept me “practicing” as a bisexual man, but I tried to explain to her what it feels like to really be bisexual. The analogy I used isn’t perfect but it mostly describes what I feel like: Imagine you loved eating soup and you loved eating bread, but one day you were told that you could only have one, FOR EVER, and furthermore which ever one you chose you would still have to confront the other one every single day. As a soup eater you would have to see the bread, smell it and even witness other’s indulging, but it would never be for you. I told you it isn’t a perfect analogy, but that really is what it feels like to me. It’s not that I don’t love my wife and enjoy being with her; it’s just that I have this other side that is almost impossible to deny. Shortly before I came out to my wife, as a small way of acknowledging this gay side of myself, I decided to register on an online male-to-male chat site to see what was out there for a bisexual married man. Although 90% of the guys on the site are just looking for a hook-up (once off), I was amazed to see how many guys were married and had the same feelings I did. Some of them were just gay and could never come out; many others were genuinely attracted to men and women. I am not the kind of person that can just meet a guy for sex, so I knew it would take me a while to find someone I could really TALK to. Obviously I longed for the sexual acrobatics that a homosexual relationship would bring, but even more I needed a real connection with someone, I just never expected what would follow… Seven weeks ago I met an awesome guy online. He is handsome, emotionally mature and sexy as all hell. We work in the same industry so there was immediately something we could talk about. We chatted online for 2 weeks (and via text and Skype) before meeting. We pretty much shared our whole life stories even before we met in person. I must say going to his place the first time really ranks up there as one of the most STRESSFUL events in my entire life. I can’t believe I did it, but I am so glad I did. He really is amazing. By the time we met in person I really felt a connection with him, I told him upfront that we would have to take it real slow and that I would have to tell my wife about us at some point. He is gay and quite a bit younger than me, but so far our relationship has exceeded anything I believed could exist! Although I expected a connection physically, I never dreamed that 2 men could have such a powerful affection for each other and such a deep emotional understanding. I was really blown away by this. I still am. I plan on telling my wife about him in the next few months. I don’t want to keep a secret like this from her, but I also didn’t want to stress her out if I met a guy and it just didn’t feel right – as I said I have no experience dating men. So that is where I am now: a married bi guy, very much in love with his wife, but also starting to fall in love with a man. I know that many people will judge me and have a few unsavoury things to say, but what I have learnt is this: we are all on our own journey in our own car with our own destination in mind. I am only living my truth and as long as my intention is not to hurt anyone I trust that in the end it will all be fine. A bit naïve I know, but I cannot go back to that dark place where my own life felt like a play I was just watching and not actually living. Thanks for reading.
I don't see anything unsavory in what you have written. You are on a journey, you have even written your story as a sort of timeline. You are certainly not alone, I suppressed gay feelings for 30+ years and only now am able to go back and see how they progressed from purely physical to complete emotional and physical attraction. Thankfully I wrote journals along the way. It's amazing to look back and see how clearly defined the path that I traveled was, but still I somehow managed to fool myself with denial! I suggest you journal if you don't already, and also seek a gay-friendly therapist to sort out these feelings. Going to your wife may not be the best single resource because obviously that is a very emotionally charged arena. Just be aware that therapy may well bring down walls and open closet doors - I went from bi and questioning to gay and finally to now dealing with transgender issues. But stuffing all of this for so many years led to a very controlled life with little real joy. Good luck and, by the way, welcome.
Welcome to EC. Excited for you for the journey you are on! Sounds like you've jumped into the water -- that's great, it is. I do echo aardvark's words -- be open and honest with your wife (to a point), but don't be her emotional support. She needs to find that for herself -- and I also urge you to find a great gay counselor/therapist. I, too, was the perfect boy. In my family, work, school. And last year was the worst - depression & suicidal thoughts. Since I started coming out, ended a relationship, came out about 100%, my life has totally changed. Its actually unrecognizable - all in a great way. Hang out here -- many of us on similar journeys. We're here to support each other and learn from each other. Pete
I've always been of the opinion that people should spend their youths exploring and finding out who they are before they get attached and drag other people in their exploring. In that sense, you are kinda at fault for the predicament you find yourself in. However, we do live in the society we live in, and you also suffered abuse which caused confusion. Plus, even if you try to do everything "right", things might not always go like clockwork. So what's important is that you're opening up to discovering parts of yourself that you've repressed. Congratulations! I totally get your soup/bread analogy (in fact, I've used similar to explain my not 100% gay sexual orientation). Many people who don't feel attraction to both sexes often don't understand bisexuals. And even if they do somewhat, they assume that the sexes are interchangeable for them. However, intimacy with a man and intimacy with a woman are quite different experiences. In this regard, I do view forcing a bisexual to choose one or the other forever to be quite cruel. And in your case, the fact that you've never allowed yourself to experience intimacy with a man until now would make not exploring further even crueler. I do hope you manage to get your wife on board with your exploring, and possibly accepting that you might be in love with, and eventually even in a relationship with another man, and that that does not demean how you feel about her and the relationship you have together. Lots of people will judge you and say "unsavoury" stuff about you (unconventional non-monogamous relationships seem hard to grasp for some people), though hopefully not on this site. I also recommend you follow the above posters' advice and start seeing a gay-friendly therapist. You need support other than your wife. The specialist could also help you get your wife on board with your new life. I'd also recommend you talk about your past abuse with the therapist. Such things leave scars (they don't change your sexual orientation though), and I don't remember you mentioning seeking help in the past regarding it. Good luck to you!
Thanks everyone for your comments. I really appreciate them! I am planning to see a therapist, but I want to find a gay/bi-friendly therapist in Cape Town. If anyone from SA knows of a really good one please message me. Thanks and keep up your great support of the lgbtq community. This forum has been a godsend for me.
