Obvious signs or ridiculous stereotypes?

Sorry - I wasn't sure if this was a gender issue, a sexuality issue, or a general coming to terms with myself issue, but since I am most certainly "later in life" - than the majority on this site anyway - I decided to post it here. Feel free to redirect the thread to the appropriate area if I've chosen wrong.

So. I am admittedly NOT self-aware. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I'd probably be best described as oblivious to the obvious, but only where it applies to myself. I can be quite astute in other areas, but as much as I practice introspection, I apparently suck at it. For example - I've had migraines since the age of 11, but I never noticed - until I was 25 and my husband pointed it out to me - that they were always tied to swings in barometric pressure. If not for him noticing, I'd probably still be clueless.

And so it was with my question of sexuality - or lack of questioning. Oblivious. Clueless. Never even realized there was a question. I'm in a long term heterosexual relationship, but I've never desired sex, so I must just be Asexual. I never even considered the fact that there might be options, if I'm not turned on by the opposite sex, I'm just not sexual, right? That was until a friend pointed out to me that there was a question - could I be gay? And that's when my classicly obsessive introspection kicked in. But of course, as stated earlier, I suck at it, so my decision pendulum keeps swinging in these crazy wide arcs.

So here's where all my thoughts have been going. I'd love to hear opinions from all of you. What would your response be to these thoughts on a 46 year life examined?

When I was young I played with boys and got in fist fights with girls. Ages 12 - 14 I did some pretty fun experimenting with a girl I only saw a couple times a year, but never really gave it a second thought at the time. I didn't do that stuff with any of my other friends. As a young adult I hung out with boys, dated one when a friend pushed us together and when that was over only ever found myself attracted to the pretty boys who always turned out to be gay. From puberty on I swore that I was never getting married, never having kids, and would only find someone to settle down with when I turned 50. I didn't like the thought of spending my old-age (50-old age-haha) alone. I married a man who is the polar opposite of anyone I'd ever dated or been attracted to, for various reasons, mostly because it seemed like what I was supposed to do next and he seemed like the most responsible choice. I had 2 kids and love them beyond reason, but have never felt like a nurturer or liked other peoples' kids and babies are only cute from a distance. Even of all my sons' friends - there are only two whose company I actually enjoy. One is an openly gay male and the other is my eldest's girlfriend - who acts like a flamingly gay male. (she'd kill me if she ever knew I thought that) .

So, with all that in mind I think, "Wow! I actually WISH I was a gay male." That is all I can really come up with. But then I've got this one major sticking point - when I think about a penis, frankly (sorry guys) I just shudder. To me? They're disgusting. Really want nothing to do with them on anyone else, let alone having to deal with one of my very own. YUCK! So theres that. And the fact that over the 21 yearrs with my husband, every time I envisioned my life after him, I could only picture myself sharing a home with another woman in a similar situation, combining families and living happily ever after. Kind of like that TV show from the 80's, Kate & Allie. No gay male in that picture.

So then I look and think - plays with boys, experimented with a girl (but no boys) in my tweens, doesn't want marriage or children and doesn't like penises - must be gay! But then I think of all the arguments against that, like I'm no 'sporty spice' type - I was a dancer growing up and now my greatest interests are literature and music. While I have disdain for "High Maintenance" women and prefer easy hairstyles and wish I didn't have to waste time doing makeup - I refuse to ever leave the house with my hair a mess or without mascara at the least. I have a love affair with jewelry and pretty shoes and sexy lingerie and flowy skirts and elegant dresses - but still, most of the time I wear cargo pants, sports bras, tank tops and flip flops. I've never fallen for a woman, or even lusted after the female form and I've never really been a "one of the girls" girl, so how could I ever end up in a love relationship with one?

But when my friend asked me if I was gay, it felt like a wake-up call. There has to be a reason for that. It's definitely opened my eyes and made me look at things in a new light. Today a friend posted a picture of a naked woman planking and whereas in the past I would always have looked at this particular photo and thought "I wish I HAD an ass like that" today I looked at the picture and thought "I wish I knew what it was like to get my hands ON an ass like that". And then immediately went back to the pendulum in my head - I am, I'm not, I am, I'm not - and all the reasons either for or against.

Then it occurred to me. I'm examining my past under a microscope looking for signs, one way or another, when what I might really be doing is just getting myself hung up on a bunch of ridiculous stereotypes? But we've all seen them, there are reasons all these stereotypes exist, where and how do I fit in this rainbow spectrum? And if I am being swayed by stereotypes, how do I look past all these notions that are apparently so deeply ingrained in me that I couldn't even see the forest thru the trees without first being slapped in the face by the branches?

Any thoughts?:dry:

 

Thanks for the reply Elia. Just because he asked? No, but that was actually the spark that made me start thinking. There's more detail in another post, if you're up for more reading: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/106020-amazed-find-myself-here.html

But in general it does tend to revolve around what other people have apparently seen in me, along with the whole gender role thing and that fact that I never quite felt like I fit the one I was placed in.

As for the rest, sounds easier said than done, as the whole reason I've stayed married beyond the first year is that I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I'm not much used to looking at things from the "I" perspective. Might also explain why I'm so oblivious to myself.

 

Shows how very small my world is - reading this was the first time I'd encountered that phrase, "Lipstick Lesbian". Not quite sure it would fit me, but I certainly wouldn't mind meeting one.

I guess your best advice is to let labels get in the way. I've always been the kind of person who sort of slid through the cracks of stereotypes and cliques, so I think you're right and I need to just be me. Hell, after years of trying to stifle my voice I'm only just relearning how to truly let the real me be seen, might as well just embrace it and not struggle to define it.

Thanks! Good advice!

---------- Post added 24th Aug 2013 at 09:21 AM ----------

Sounds like more great advice, thanks for sharing! I long for the day I can take that litmus test myself. Problem is, I'm still living this awful, awkward, anxiety-ridden married life. Going thru the motions for our kids until we work out all the details with a mediator and I can get comfortable with the timing of announcing to the kids that we're divorcing. My eldest leaves for his freshman year of college in a month and after hearing from my therapist yesterday that 'the books all say' not to subject them to any upheaval at home for the first year, I'm having quite a bit of a panic attack. It's like watching my long-desired future, which I thought was finally coming within my grasp, just slipping through my fingers and becoming shrouded in the mists again.

But I will hold tight to the tidbit you shared as something to look forward to - when my someday finally comes.

 

Thanks flatlander! You inspired me to research much more terminology, and I agree. I've spent far too many years squelching my real self and trying to meet everyone else's expectations and standards. I've absolutely no interest in continuing the practice for a different crowd now that I'm finally breaking free of the last set.

The reading I found was quite entertaining, and extremely helpful. Made me think that maybe my question was answered in that I wasn't necessarily working off of ridiculous stereotypes as much as I was functioning with outdated information. And I do think my first response was correct, I am not a lipstick lesbian, although I hold to wanting to meet one! :icon_wink

Nope, I'd have to say that I'm somewhere along the way between a chapstick lesbian and a blue jeans femme - with a few inner Lipstick tendencies emerging every now and then to play dress up.

TA DA! Now I feel like celebrating! :eusa_danc Thanks all!