A few days back I came out to a straight friend of mine-the first person I've ever come out to. I'm in my forties. Yes, I've been stumbling around in the dark inside this closet for a long bloody time, and I can't pretend the door handle was just stuck. Yep, I'm in the process of coming out, and it ain't over. To make it a little more lively he's my colleague and the cherry on the top is that I have a pretty long lived crush on him which I just can't shake. Several years worth in fact, of rubbing shoulders with him at work and keeping my feelings to myself. My sexual preference and issues about that had become a point of contention between us and to solve the issue properly I knew that the only way was to be honest. I'm glad I did. When I told him he was really supportive and understanding. Even protective, saying he'd deal with anyone who gave me a hard time over being gay. The only card I didn't lay on the table with him was how I really felt about him. The reason for that is because I wanted to limit it to coming out to gauge how he really felt and not complicate it further for both of us, and give the best chance to maintaining a friendship. He's in a straight LTR anyway. And we're back to a productive & respectful working relationship, since I've come out AND set some boundaries. Our off-site friendship has deepened a little. So what's the problem? While we were talking it through, he told me that he's completely straight. On the other hand, he's been seriously preoccupied with my sexual orientation for some years, and also enjoys occasional flirting in a low key way at work. All just directed at me. It just doesn't seem to "hang" quite right. Not much to go on I guess, but I'm wondering how to deal with this situation where I'm so taken with this guy, he's saying he's straight and I have to work with him for the foreseeable future. I'm not entirely convinced he's "just" straight, even though he's clearly spelled it out. Of course, the obvious solution is to fall in love head over heels with someone else much more available, isn't it? So easy! Anyone else been here? How do you work a way around this? :eusa_doh:
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know because I have a long term rent here as well. For the last six years I have been falling from one crush to another, always with straight colleagues or friends. Sometimes it's killing me, sometimes I forgot about the whole stuff for days, but chasing gay guys did not solved it for me, I could not fall in love with somebody just because I wanted to. My theory is the following: Workplace is in my confort zone, I feel safe to look for new crushes there, it's that simple. The other thing is for some reason I'm scared that things gonna turn serious, so I pick people as targets of my affection whom I know things cannot possibly become serious with. Even if my current crush would return some of my feelings, it would and could never be enough, since I expect dreamy-all warm and fluffy-13 year old girl kind of love, and truth to be told if that would happen I would laugh my *ss off and wouldn't be interested in him anymore. I want him to be unreachable, that's my thing, that's how I'm comfortable with the whole "relationship". I guess in a way I'm still hiding in the closet from myself. I don't know if any of this relates to your situation, but it might give you some thoughts and maybe help you to start looking for your own answers. ps.: Sorry for the bad english, I not accustomed to the language yet.
I posted about falling for straight guys too, it's our curse! Someone posted suggesting I work to forget it by keeping busy, which my work always does and it works. But I know it's temporary, sooner or later, I face my loneliness again. I think this a good forum to be there for one another and support each other. Hang in there!
Yeah, it definitely feels good to finally come clean to somebody about this stuff. I'm basicly starting my life all over again from october and this issue is one of my main reasons to do so. Gotta start clean in a new city, different place, different life. Maybe this time my personal life works out better. Fingers crossed! Ps.: sorry op, I did not mean to steal your thunder.
The fact that we're taking about a friend and a co-worker is a double whammy. It is very easy to foul up both relationships and that would be a sad thing. However, it often seems to me when people offer up the "I'm straight" line fairly quickly, it makes me wonder. It could fall into the maybe he "doth protesteth too much" category.
I've had crushes on straight guys that I wouldn't let myself realize were crushes, I'm still in the closet. But the last guy... that was falling in love. That's when I knew that I can't be not gay. I'm still trying to let him go, I'm thankful because if it wasn't for him opening up my heart then I wouldn't have had the courage to come out. Letting go for me has been about distance, both in time and physically. I had to stop myself from looking at his photos and waiting for his texts. I still do. But like etiggy I've been lucky enough to move to a new town and start a new life this week and I'm definitely looking forward to the rest of my life. Though my heart still hurts, I know it's not going to hurt forever.
Thanks all for your views and your stories. Etiggy your English is just fine, and I'm very happy to hear your story. We're all trying to make sense of this kind of situation. Sometimes I've thought that having repeated crushes on guys who are straight and unavailable is something to do with not being out. Maybe because it's a low risk place to be. But the actual cost is considerable- it throws your heart and feelings on a wrestling mat, and it keeps you from giving yourself to someone who is free to give back. I know that's not a fulfilling way to live. Yes I know, as people say, just don't go for people who are straight, but the heart seems to have plans of it's own. Maybe to lead us to something about ourselves that our head is so good at keeping screwed down. Look at what we have in common in the left margin- the frigging closet. That doesn't mean what I feel for the other guy isn't real. Etiggy, I hope your move works for you. But if you're starting over again, what would happen if you started as if you were out? London is a really easy place to be out. I think no-one would think twice. Nothing wrong with geographical cures, but to make it stick you may have to change yourself some too. Thanks Flatlander, the risk of fouling up both is real and I acted before that happened in a way that was unretrievable. It was still risky, (had to come out to him, had to point out his unreasonable behaviour and admit my mistakes too) but it's cleared the air a lot for us. I never expected him to reveal strong feelings for me. I think I'll never know for sure about his deepest feelings but he has a right to keep them to himself. He might not even be consciously aware of them. I can only know what I feel. And trust that directing more energy to other relationships will pay off. Oddlife, That's a beautiful vignette about your bittersweet journey through love to understanding and accepting yourself. Thanks for sharing. This story has love, courage , insight, generosity; can you share a little more on what happened?. It's grabbing my attention , not just because what you've said is not unlike myself at present, but you said it so well. No it's not going to hurt like this forever, the hurt is replaced ( I hope) by acceptance and serenity. Hang in there
Good Luck! I am 54 and have denied my sexuality. I am in the process of coming out. You will have highs and lows.
Right now I would just like to hold hands with all of you I don't know the last time when I felt so comfortable among others. Just some little reminder I often tell myself: there is no rush, there is no time pressure. The importance in any jurney is the jurney itself, not the destination. Any step we took was necessary to get here even if it does not seem like that. Life is a path we walk, not a race we need to win.
Thanks, Jupiter. What happened with me is a bit strange and hard to explain. I think because it involves what men expect from each other from multiple cultures. I can't fully explain it here, maybe I will in the future. Just that there was a guy, straight. He was kind of cute, but no one would say he was attractive, but I guess what attracted me to him was he was so kind to everyone, a good friend, unassuming, laughed a big but innocent laugh. We connected. Though he was straight, he would hold my hand. We'd have late nights just hanging out and then I'd stay at his place and he just started to hold me in my sleep. We never had sex, never kissed. But from time to time, we just held each other. It was both weird and awesome at the same time. Then I realized I had strong feelings for him. I couldn't stop myself from looking at his photo. I kept thinking, "No one would think that this guys is attractive, but I do. Why?" Yeah, it's a strange story. And it was then I realized that I was in that love thing where love believes that love can remove all obstacles and fill the chasm between our all-too-many differences. I knew it could never work out between us, but but but. That's when I knew I had to get out of it, because it was my heart that was going to get broken. Before then I was kind of like the Tin Man... I didn't even know I had a heart to break. I had been trying with girls for so long and in the the closet so deeply, my soul shrank to the size of a dried pea. But this guy helped me realize, my soul wasn't the problem, I was just trying so hard running in the wrong direction. I thought I said I wasn't going into details. Anyway, to cut to the chase... I know what you're thinking: "Yeah, well your 'straight' friend was gay! Why didn't you just say or do something?" You being from Asia, you know it's not that simple. At most my friend was slightly bi and even if he was gay it would have ruined his life and the life of his family. It's not that simple. And I'm a pretty rational person, I could see that he loved me (as a friend, brother, confused) but not as deeply as I loved him. And that hurt, over and over again. I'm not stupid. I've left that town now and have moved incredibly far away. During that time, I kept telling myself that one day I will look back and wonder, "What was I thinking?" But another part of me thought, "It'll be sad when I don't have these feelings anymore and the friendship that I had with him, a kind of friendship I never had with anyone, will be gone." He was/is a good man, friendly to everyone, with a goofy laugh that made me jealous... why couldn't I laugh so much, so freely and so innocently? Time and distance have helped me to at least somewhat move on. A part of me is still sad that this first deep falling in love will slowly be erased. But I know there will be something in the future, hopefully deeper and hopefully with someone who will hold me as I hold him. Does that answer your question?
Thanks Oddlife, for sharing this. A moving story. To love more deeply than him (or her) is at the center of it when we fall for someone who is out of our reach. And yet, even knowing this we can't stop falling. Who can say why? To give? to get? To find? I envy you your time with him, and you shouldn't regret it. But I know what it is to live with the knowledge that it can't work as you want it to. What a gift he gave you though, to realize yourself through it. Maybe to find this again. Some of the most profound gifts are given unconsciously. Our paths cross for a while and we give to each other, and move on. Sometimes that's how it is. The guy I'm so keen on, is a part of my working life, and I'm part of his. That's not going to change, both of us are here together for a long time. It's too much, and it's not enough.
That's really encouraging to me J2. Thanks. Sometimes I think my heart was finally opened only to be broken. But I guess, it really opened because it was broken. I'm trying to understand and accept that.
sounds like he has told u that he does not want to go beyond flirting. NO means No. so just accept it.
