This might interest some later in life people since many either are in the process of getting a divorce, or else have gotten one. This quote came from Missing Persons by Clare O"Donohue (my most recent late night light reading book). The first line is from a woman who is involved in a divorce: "Papers aren't even signed yet. We're still, believe it or not, arguing over the four hundred dollars in our savings account. The lawyers charged six hundred dollars to fight for that." "Then why not sit down with Frank and figure it out without lawyers?" Andres asked. It was a reasonable question, but then Andres has never been divorced. Divorce, and the subsequent dividing of the assets, isn't about reason. It's about revenge. Incidentally, for those wondering about the book--this woman's husband dies, and she ends up under some suspicion for murdering him. Particularly since she works in TV, and has done true crime type shows. (This aspect was what compelled me to get the book out of the library--the author in real life worked in TV.)
I am hoping that this is not always the case. Me and my wife are still handling things as friends right now. I hope that things can continue that way. We contacted a lawyer, just to check, and she wanted what we believe to be an exorbitant amount of money just to start. We decided that the money could be better spent elsewhere, and we will be filing all of the paperwork on our own...
No, I don't think it's always the case that a divorce will be a bitter war. I think many people can handle the situation as calm adults, and retain some friendship.
I told my husband that I think we're both good people, but we're just caustic together and we both deserve whatever happiness we can find apart. When I said that I'm not angry, or bitter, he said that he's trying very hard not to be. He swore to me that our sons will never be able to say that he didn't do right by me financially. I'm not out to take him for all he's worth, but we came into the marriage with pretty much the same net value, equal educations and professional prospects, and I'm hoping we can leave the marriage with at least the same net values. After trailing his career for 21 years, through 7 corporate relocations, giving up my career to care for our kids because he's an old-fashioned kind of guy and the fact that he currently earns 10x what I do even though I work twice as many hours, I'm holding out hope that he really means it, cause I'll never again be at the same place as him when it comes to professional prospects. I say I'm holding out hope, because we are still in the process of trying to find a mediator. We'll see how it turns out in reality. Hope you'll all keep your fingers crossed for me.
Oh I recognize that very much in my own situation. From a rational perspective my soon-to-be-ex did not have much to disagree about, but she does not want to take half-responsibility for our debts (which is the norm in this province). I could have accepted paying more, but she went straight to a lawyer, who is charging thousands. The only rational explanation is revenge...
My father was a marriage counselor for quite a while, and saw a number of marriages end (both amicably and explosively). I think his advice would be that while sure, marriages *can* be terminated peacefully, you should never *assume* yours will, even if the two of seem to be in agreement that it should...especially if a lawyer gets involved...what starts as "let's rationally divide what we have, and move on" can quickly unravel, as emotional distance (and suspicious) starts to set in.
In my case there was quite a bit of time between when we decided to separate and when I helped my wife relocate out of state (about 3 years). The kind of anger that would lead to acting out was over with. Also, given that we had been married for a long time (30 years), I felt that I needed to do whatever I could to see that she got a good start. Time and distance do help a great deal in dissipating bad feelings. However, the fact that I discovered that I was bisexual was maybe 40% of why we separated, at most.
I've been following the LBGT Later In Life forum for a few weeks now; this thread made me decide to become a registered member so that I could give my point of view. I was married for 24 years to a wonderful woman and have two great sons. I discovered my attraction to men about 5 years into our marriage. Besides purchasing a few gay magazines early on and checking out men on the internet later, I never acted on my attraction. About six to eight months after I discovered my attraction to men I came home from work one evening; my wife was sitting on the couch and said we needed to talk. She then held up the two gay magazines I had hidden and asked me if I was gay. I told her the truth; that I was curious and felt that I was probably bisexual. She asked if I had been with any men; again I told her the truth that no I had not been and would never cheat on her; and I never did. We never really talked about it again, and it was never an issue in our marriage. We both worked full time, she worked a normal work week with weekends off, while I worked in retail and had no Saturdays off, and only two Sundays a month off. So once our sons were born we spent all of our free time doing things with the boys. In hindsight, we should have made more time for just the two of us, but we didn't. As we grew older our interests grew in different directions, and we grew further apart. We had the normal marriage disagreements, but never had huge blowups that a lot of couples have. After 24 years we tried a trial separation and came to the conclusion that at this point in our lives we were better at being friends than being husband and wife. We've been divorced 10 years now; we are still very good friends and talk on a regular basis. We worked together after the divorce making sure that our boys had all the support they needed and were impacted as little as possible by the divorce. The boys are grown, and we could not ask for two better young men. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that not all divorces have to end bitterly with revenge being the object. I understand that our circumstances aren't necessarily the norm, but it is possible to get divorced and still remain friends.
I am nearing divorce after just over a year of coming out to my husband (I had been battling with my sexuality for a while, but kept telling him I was bi for the sake of the kids and all kinds of bad reasons). We had a really rough few months, he called me so many names, my father died and he wasn't exactly supportive, we said some awful things to one another. Do you know what though? We are coming to the end of the marriage, and getting on better than we did before. Money is being discussed sensibly, and we really don't want the lawyers to get it. The anger has mostly gone. It doesn't have to end badly.
You are lucky to have had such a woman. Yesterday my wife left me the car that we had been using jointly before the divorce because she refused to pay the mandatory insurance. She left it in front of my apartment building and got herself another car. Because she defaulted on the insurance, it is now way harder for me to get it insured, and more expensive....less money for the kids more for the insurance company, the new car and her lawyer....revenge. She has a gift for making bad situations worse, "graciousness" is not in her vocabulary.
We started out "as friends" and that lasted all of about 2 weeks. Now we're 4 weeks later and things are actually starting to get better. I've been looking for a job (I was a stay-at-home dad) and have been having problems finding a job. We're both still in the house and things were really, really ugly. However, we've had 4 straight good days without being yelled or bitched at or things turning ugly. I'm not quite sure what happened, but I'm really thankful and I've thanked her for those.
For me, we are reconciled to separate one day...then the next, she's holding me financially hostage by saying we can't pull this off and I'm just going to have to deal with it. She likes her life just as it is...working only part time and spending lots of our money on herself. We're barely speaking today and I know we have a lot of tough issues to get through. I believe that if she couldn't get me to "drop the gay-thing", she is trying to at least find a way to keep her life unchanged and have full access to me financially and for physical labor by keeping me on the ranch. Tough days ahead...but brighter years down the road is my new motto.
@Drwhofan--- may I ask how old your children are? My concerns and experiences seem similar ( although I only told my husband 3 months ago). I've two children boy-9 girl-12.
Sorry, was away a couple of days... My sons are 6 and 12. I havn't told them directly about being gay. They both know my gf quite well as my friend, though I think the 12 year old suspects something more. I came close to talking about it with him once, but he seemed a bit upset and I backed off. I am not sure they are ready to think of me seeing anyone - male or female. When I do talk to them, I think it may be more like "this is the person I am seeing, but right now you are the most important people in my life". I hope things work out for you, it's a really complicated time. What are your ideas (sorry I hope this isn't a thread hijack, but I guess I want to say that the pain can dissipate with time)
We actually got in what would almost constitute an argument yesterday, when he tried to tell me where I should live when we sell the house (yes, we're living under the same roof until it gets sold) and I told him I'd decide where I live when I know what I can afford. He started insisting that I should be willing to pay extra to live in our son's school district until he graduates and I told him I have to think about what happens after that and what I can truly afford. He's insisting he will never leave me destitute and I'm insisting I won't take advantage of him financially. Shows how we always have to disagree on everything, we were actually fighting over NOT hurting each other. Contradicting each other has escalated from a habit to a compulsion!
