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Out of nowhere

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by only sometimes, Aug 25, 2013.

  1. only sometimes

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    What the heck is going on? Usually straight, I find myself so drawn to a coworker that I am wide awake, thinking about her at 4am. She's in an apparently happy long term lesbian relationship. I can' t stop these thoughts. What can I do?
     
  2. Nick07

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    um, enjoy the crush? :slight_smile: Befriend her so that you could talk more? (I am not saying you should try to break her relationship)
     
  3. only sometimes

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    We have become friends. I wouldn't be surprised if she's aware. I can't keep myself from flirting. Should I talk to her about it? It's making me crazy!
     
  4. Nick07

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    :slight_smile: I think it is a good idea - just don't make it sound like you will be unhappy if she doesn't date you :wink:

    You can ask if she think it is unusual (it's not). Or ask her about her experience - when she knew she was a lesbian or if she is mildly attracted to some men too. Tell her that you are confused and need someone to help you out or to assure you you are not weird (you are not!).

    ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2013 at 12:56 PM ----------

    And, this is not from my experience but I have heard many times that bi people are not necessarily attracted to both genders 50:50. It can be also something like 90:10. Your crush on her can be those 10 percent. It doesn't have to mean that you are lesbian :slight_smile:
     
  5. only sometimes

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    Thank you, Nick. I think that's what I need to do. From reading other posts and remembering previous "crushes" I've had, I think I need to relax and remain open to how my deepest self reacts.
     
  6. Nick07

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    :slight_smile: Good luck with exploring that part of yourself.
     
  7. biAnnika

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    I would absolutely *not* talk to her about this! Unburdening an attraction to a co-worker can be a *great* way to destroy a working relationship and any chance of a deeper friendship.

    What would you be hoping to achieve by telling her? Certainly not moving in on her current relationship...even if that was possible it would be unethical. A tactic to get closer as a friend? You don't need such tactics...just get to know her. You want to get information from her on how common this is? Get it from someone you *don't* have a crush on! Do you think talking about it would lesson your attraction to her? Discharge it? Don't bet on it. Letting her in on an emotional confidence (assuming she doesn't get upset with you and keeps your secret) would only deepen your feelings for her. At worst, she could consider it sexual harassment and file a complaint against you. SO not cool.

    I definitely agree with Nick that there is an enormous range of bisexual response and attraction. So I'm not shocked that you are generally straight, but have found this isolated attraction out of the blue.

    And yes, of course you should explore and pay attention to these signals from yourself. But if you value your job, let working relationships stay working relationships. It is highly *unlikely* that this is the *only* woman to whom you'll ever be able to be attracted.
     
  8. only sometimes

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    Thanks biAnnika. You picked up on the confusion, fear and loneliness that's driving me. I would have hoped to get advice and support. I believe you're right when you suggest that the outcome probably wouldn't be ideal. And no, I don't want to come between this happy couple. In reality I cannot imagine being in a relationship with her--for many reasons. Being around her makes it impossible to deny my attraction to women.
     
  9. flatlander48

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    That's the heart of it. There are 2 relationships that could be in jeopardy. If you made a move and it didn't work out, that could kill the friendship, but you would still be faced with seeing this person every workday and possibly interacting with her. That could make it very tough for both of you and your work situation. Jobs being what they are these days, we really shouldn't give anyone a reason to think less of us.
     
  10. HopeFloats

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    I am deeply attracted to a now former coworker (who is now a friend) who is an LTR with above woman. I have not shared my feelings with her. For me, about two years ago the dreams I started having about her as well as some other out lesbians I know helped me realize I was gay. I realized that I had to deal with myself and my own sexuality, not burden her with any weirdness or awkwardness. In the meantime, I have become actual friends with her and we are out to each other now. I still have to be really restrained and try really hard to respect her relationship. I have been trying to meet other women in general and as a distraction. My exgirlfriend from my bi college days (15-20 years ago) is coming to visit, so I hope that will help me get over my crush. Good luck. Try to remember this is about you, not her.
     
  11. lovely lesbian

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    I thought I was straight too and then it hit me! I'm gay it was quite scary at first but I'm coming to terms with it. X
     
  12. only sometimes

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    Thanks (again) everybody. Your counsel helped me so much. Hope Floats, I totally see it now. She was like a signpost for me: HULLO! remember this? This coworker brings me back to the 80's when I first had those obvious feelings toward a woman. I ADORE my coworker, but she is not the girl I'm looking for! I can't wait to get involved in life again--keeping my eyes open for that gentle sweet ONE!
     
  13. HopeFloats

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    I will say that I am still struggling with my attraction to my friend. It's really hard. But she's been in a relationship for 15 years. But telling her how I feel would create a huge rift. So I really am trying to meet other women and get over it. It is not at all easy.
     
  14. only sometimes

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    @HopeFloats
    I look forward to hearing how your reconnection goes this weekend. I'll be sending good vibes your way! :newcolor::eusa_pray:eusa_danc