Good evening, everyone. I was wondering if this ever happened to any other people here. I divorced my wife and began coming out to close friends in 2010. My mannerisms have become more defined since then. I started going out to the bars, and now have a handful of gay friends whom I meet for dinner every so often. Last night, 4 of us went out for Mexican food. Conversation got livelier as we talked about a gay cruise that one of them had been on. Our waitress chimed in, and began bantering loudly with us. Amidst this moment, a straight couple that my ex-wife and I socialized with in my "previous" life walked by. I saw them and immediately turned bright red. I made accidental eye contact with the male, so they both came over and said hello. We made brief small talk in which I'd asked what they'd ordered, and then about their children. We didn't acknowledge the elephant in the room--the fact that I was dining with 3 other men, and the topic at the table was a gay cruise. They were cordial, but it was still uncomfortable. I did not introduce them to my friends, because I was afraid of the unknown. Would one of my friends make an inappropriate remark? Would my "previous life" seep into conversation, making it unbearably awkward? I think we were all relieved when they walked away. How do you guys handle these situations when your "new life" collides with your "old life"?
Pretend that there is no issue at all. You handled it well. Sometimes these kinds of situations are good in the long run, even if it does not seem so at the time. I run around with straight guys who know I am not. They don't care really, but they are not interested either in what other gay men I know or what we do. I sometimes dread it thinking about if these worlds collide, but I figure I'll deal with it if and it comes. At least I am not lying to anyone, nothing to get too caught up in. Same with you, you are not cheating on wife or anything really bad.
My wife and I are still together and I'm gearing up to spill all to her. At this point, though, most of "our" friends are really HER friends, so I totally expect to have this situation come up at some point in the future. But I have felt for a long time that if I was a total stranger, and if they didn't see me primarily as her husband, they would probably assume I was some anonymous gay guy anyhow. I was able to "pass" reasonably well when I was fat and withdrawn and quiet, but now that I'm considerably thinner, far more animated, and don't dress like everyone else, I don't really fit in very well. So if they saw me sitting with a group of guys talking about a gay cruise, they would probably say hi, and awkwardly keep moving.
I clearly "lost" a bunch of "our" friends that were really her "old" friends. Perfectly ok and I get the loyalty thing. I think its way more about me breaking up with her than about me being gay. And I also kept a bunch of "our" friends. Have not attended any social events where the old worlds have collided (I'm sure quite on purpose by the friends who have organized those things). Have run into a couple of acquaintances from the old world and friends who have stuck by me as I've been out on dates with guys. I'm not sure that they would have thought "date" necessarily. Although, I'm not shy about PDA, and with a guy I'm really into there could be a kiss... I've made a bunch of gay friends over the year -- and in many cases socially we're out with other gay men -- so could it be more evident? perhaps. its ok! all the best
You're right, Jeff. I have to remember that the lies are finally over. And it is probably better to just get these encounters over with. I think my nerves were very apparent. I don't see them in over 3 years, and my very first question is "So what did you guys order?" LOL...cringe. Oh well, at least now I have a little experience with this type of situation. Choirboy, congrats on the weight loss! I need to take your cue on that one. And don't worry, life will get easier once you tell her. I wake up every day so thankful that I don't have to pretend anymore. After the first year out, the day-to-day gets so much easier. At least it did for me.
The fact is - we DO act differently among different people. I act different with my friends than when I'm sitting down with my boss in a meeting, and I act VERY different when I'm at a sporting event. None of these activities are "fake" - they're simply different parts of my persona shining through. At the restaurant, you were "getting your gay on", if you will. And that's totally fine. And it's totally fine to feel somewhat embarrassed when your friends showed up. I'd feel a bit weird if my boss showed up in the middle of me hollering at a sporting event, too. You can either address the elephant if you'd like - "This is Bob, Mark, and Fred." - or you can simply do what you did. Either is fine. Lex
Pete, I'm glad to hear that you've had friends stick by you post-divorce. Truthfully, I've been too embarrassed to really seek my old friends out. No telling what the local rumor mill has done to my name. I have been burrowing away with my 3 gay friends, two of whom were also previously married to women. I suppose eventually I will run into everybody from my past life. Just have to breathe and take it as it comes, I guess. ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2013 at 09:43 AM ---------- Lexington, I was definitely "getting my gay on"! LOL. Actually, while the couple was standing next to me, one of my friends made 3 snaps in the air. I thought "Oh gawwwwd." You're right about different contexts bringing out different "sides" of us. I guess I just need to develop more confidence in the gay side. When I roam the mall on a Saturday afternoon, I notice 18 year old gay boys swishing around with no apologies whatsoever. That's how the world "knows" them. I envy that liberation in such young kids. Something to work towards, I suppose.
Totally with you on this one SeniorDiscount. As a 'late out' gay man who is starting to socialise with other gay men, I can only describe my reactions in similar situations as 'embarassment'. I am part of walking group for LGBT people (men and women) and although its great group and I am making lots of good friends, lots of 'old stuff' comes out for me. I find myself hoping that some lesbians come along on the walks - so we look like a normal mixed sex walking group - so passing straight walkers don't think we are gay!! On one walk some good looking guys cycled past on mountain bikes and some of men in the walking group made 'oggling remarks' about fit the cyclists where in (for me) far too louder a way. I felt exposed and embarassed (whilst inside agreeing the cyclists were fit). I suppose I agree with Lex that decades of conditioning are not going to disappear overnight and we have to be 'gentle on ourselves' as a myriad little events like you in the restaurant and me on my walk, test us daily with coming to terms with at last being our true selves. I try not to beat myself over it, but try to just let it pass, be mindful and move on. Good luck with your on going journey
Electra, your walking story cracks me up! Calling on lesbians to diffuse the situation is hilarious. KyleD, yes! Sometimes I wish I could politely ask them to "dial it down" a bit, without coming off like Debby Downer.
I am actually pretty pleased when I look at something I'm wearing and think that it's a bit gay.... why not?!?!
LOL, Pete. NJ is a fairly open-minded place, right? I think they are moving towards legalizing gay marriage soon...?
