I had been making great progress on coming out and discussing divorce with my wife up until the point where I said to her that I would give her a year to get accustomed to my new identity before leaving. I encouraged her to see a therapist and she finally did, but chose someone who had been a friend of hers for the past nine years. After her therapy session, she preferred not to discuss any of her concerns about my emerging identity or what the future held for us. Not wanting to push her, I just let the next six weeks slide by. It was a BIG mistake. I found that during that six weeks, I was back-sliding into depression and feeling as if I had lost my momentum for coming out. I finally hit a black hole and knew I was on the verge of a depression when I called my therapist and asked for an appointment. In that session, I had to acknowledge that even if my wife didn't want to talk about it....I needed to do so. I feared that she was holding onto some hope that I would have a change of heart...that this "gay thing" would just go away, or some similar thought. In my therapy session, I committed to sitting her down over the weekend and letting her know that my timeline is critical for moving out. That my gayness was NEVER going to change and that my second highest priority after living authentically as a gay man was being kind and considerate to her and my kids, as I made these changes. At this point, no other goals have any importance to me....just those two things. I was furious when she told me that her therapist/friend had told her that "perhaps he's okay now that he's shared his secret....and nothing much will come of it." What an absolutely unethical thing that was for her therapist to plant this idea in her head!!! It gave her false hope and belief that she clung to for nearly two months. Our weekend ended with agreement that we needed to split up. She needs to increase her work hours to full-time first, but when she can make that happen, I will exit the house the following month. It was a difficult conversation for certain. While I feel terrible about taking her hopefulness away from her, it was an unrealistic idea and planted there by an unwise therapist. I am gay to stay and it's always gonna' be that way! Her final comment was it was too bad that we sold a spare bed a few months back, as it appears I could have used it in my new place. It was a solid confirmation that she has a firm grasp on our new reality...and I feel so much more relieved.
Thanks for sharing. I have not told my wife yet but am gearing up to some very similar conversations. I know every situation is unique, and it's anyone's guess what my experience will finally be like, but it's been a revelation to know how many others are going through the same thing. A huge part of my fear had always been the feeling that I was in this situation alone, but there are so many of us that I'm beginning to think we need to come up with some kind of Fraternal Order of our own!
