Finding the variety and flavor of being gay that fits

I'm not at that point yet, but I am pretty intrigued about where I may eventually fit in. There are days when I feel so "fabulous" that I must sound like one of the stereotypical gay boys who, 30 years ago, I was actually uncomfortable with and a little afraid of....and other days where I think of my somewhat conservative politics and Catholic faith and think, damn, they're liable to throw me back in the "straight" pond!

But really, when you think about it, isn't this the same thing any straight guy would go through, trying to find a niche where he belonged and felt comfortable with? Sure, there are the stereotypical straight guys like my brother, who could spell "touchdown" before he could spell "dog", and could recite the history of the NFL, NBA, and so on before he could tie his own shoes. But there are plenty of straight guys (well, at least SOME straight guys) who don't fit into that mold and have had to find their own path to acceptance.

When I think of those guys, I realize that part of my problem over the years is that I always assumed that being gay didn't really matter, and I should be able to find a place to belong without figuring it into the equation at all. Wrong, obviously. But I know that once I'm completely out, it's going to be very tempting to assume that being gay is the ONLY thing that matters, and that would be wrong too. If the PIN number on your ATM card is 1234 and you keep keying in 124, it's never going to work. But when you find out the missing number is 3, and so you try using 3333, that won't work either. You have to fit that "3" in where it belongs, finally.

 

Wow i really love that analogy:eusa_clap

I haven't found where I belong in terms of the LGBTQ community yet, and I often feel like an outsider (which is partially the reason i haven't cartwheeled out of the closet yet) it doesn't help either that i'm not 'read' as gay either. Everyone just assumes i'm straight, especially other gays, which on a side note is something that irritates me about myself, it's as if I need others to validate and recognize my 'gayness' in order for me to accept it.

For a while now I've had the idea in my head, that my being gay somehow consumes all or will consume other aspects of my life, but I hope that's just a part of coming to terms with it all.


(Ps: I don't post often, partly cause I feel I don't have much advice or perspective to offer and i'm not on here as much as I would like to be but I felt the need to comment here. :smilewave)

 

I know that type and I wouldn't get along with him/them.

Thanks for bringing this up. Yes, I would imagine that there are indeed some guys who are totally straight, but not into beer and baseball, who would find that a large percentage of the straight male population is not on their wavelength, and with whom they couldn't be friends. If they were in a creative field, then it would probably make for an even bigger chasm.

At any rate, for the OP, the point is to define yourself, however you choose to do that, rather than let a collection of stereotypes and expectations define you.

 

Sorry, I haven't got a story of my very own to tell yet, but there were a few posts I couldn't resist commenting on...

DT - I felt compelled to share a recent discovery of mine - never would have imagined such a thing existed, and frankly, I didn't believe the man who told me about it, but now it sounds like you have verified it's very existence. I think you may have stumbled upon a meeting of the "Log Cabin Republicans". Just goes to show how screwed up Republicans are - everyone knows that no self-respecting gay man would ever willingly make their home in a log cabin! :icon_wink

---------- Post added 26th Aug 2013 at 06:38 PM ----------

Sketch, just had to let you know that my son's best friend, a beautiful, brilliant, flamingly gay young man once told me that he only likes a man if he doesn't seem/act/look gay. That he has absolutely no attraction to anyone that he can tell right away is gay. So there you go - your own little niche.

and p.s. - I'm almost brandy-new here, but putting my thoughts out here in the forums and reading other people's replies has gone a long way toward easing my angst and uncertainties. So congrats on putting yourself out here. Hope you find it as comforting as I have. The folks here just seem absolutely incredible.

 

Within 45 minutes of where I live are 3 LGBT centers.

At one I feel totally at home -- men like myself in the relatively early stages of coming out, men who have "graduated" from coming out, and men who have been comfortable living as men who are gay for a very long time. (oh, there are some women, too!)

At the other, there are many men (and women), who I'd say are about the same. I also love going there. And there are many far younger queer folk there, too. Adds a great vibe and energy and fun.

The 3rd center -- well, it's kinda like your description -- generally well settled queer folk, average age well above mine, and they like to cogitate about the ills of the world. Personally, for me, its still about the nitty gritty of navigating the gay world. So its not too helpful.

I tell you this -- to suggest keep looking for the place you fit. Around here there are lots of gay/queer Meetup groups in addition to things going on at the LGBT centers.

 

The diversity within "our" group is both fantastic and very frustrating because I don't know how to relate on a gay level. I just try to respect the variety. The problem, is that the guys I like are hard to identify as gay. They could be straight who know how to dress. Frustrating.

 

:badgrin:Runner - you are SO funny! No they can't. If they're straight that just means the women in their lives are dressing them! :lol:

 

I was so lucky. I kicked the closet door open right into the bear/cub community. How the hell would I know that I would have a gay cohort based on my super hairy chest? Not to mention my interest in sports, hunting, rodeo etc. We have our own flag and meetings around the country! (New Orleans this weekend!) Even our own App [removed]. Not to mention [removed]. ([removed])

I was shocked to find out all this existed. As I age I am told I will become a Polar Bear. Who knew? Bring on the white chest hair!

 

DT,

I hear you, I am trying to find my place in all of this.. For many years I thought gay was just gay, not expecting their to be so many subcultures within the gay community. Now that im out meeting new people I've come to realize that navigating the proverbial gay scene is not as easy as one might think. I mean you have your twinks your bears your Cub there's otter bears you're closeted gay married men the leather community assortment of fetish communities the groups that hang out in bushes and bathroom stalls. then when you filter through all of that mess and meet someone you have to find out whether or not you're sexually compatible (top bottom...vers). it's enough to drive you bat shit crazy, that is if you are a newcomer as most of us are..

it could just be I'm looking in the wrong places but this crap is not easy... LOL

DT as a ,, ( GET READY FOR IT DRAGONBAIT..... HERE IT COMES..........) conservative gay Republican would you mind passing along the link to your first gay support group?...

Best of luck to you DT...

 

"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accesorize." (I have seen "Steel Magnolias" one too many times....)

 

REALLY?! Wow, it's like finding out that the tooth fairy is really real. (Then finding out that the tooth fairy is a big hairy man.)

But in all seriousness. I can't believe I'm doing this, but here: Log Cabin Republicans | Join a Chapter
although as a born & bred Jersey girl, I am happy to report that PeteNJ was wrong - NJ hasn't actually got every kind of LGBT support group - looks like you'll be hopping NJ Transit if you want to go to one of these meetings.

Although if you'd prefer, I'd be happy to look into Political Conversion Therapy programs for you! :icon_wink

 

Dragonbait,

:icon_bigg Thanks for the link, you my friend have put aside your own personal convictions in order to provide someone else with information contrary to those of your own, and for that I say thank you..... You are OK in my book . And I love the tooth fairy analogy

 

Jae, brother, we need to start a fraternity of our own! I find coming out as a (fairly) conservative gay Republican is almost scarier than coming out as gay in the first place!

 

See. This just reinforces the fact that I'll never get how the male brain functions. How anyone can reconcile the combining of those three words - Conservative. Gay. Republican. - into an identifier is absolutely beyond me.

But I suppose that's a thought for another thread...

 

I've had two serious boyfriends. They've both been Republicans.

Lex

 

If you ever read my facebook posts, you'd really understand exactly how much it pained me to do that! But hey, I'm liberal - your life, your choice! :rolle:

---------- Post added 28th Aug 2013 at 09:00 AM ----------

I've had one husband - also Republican. Make of that what you will.

 

Hah--my brother is WAY more conservative than I am, and one of my sisters is his polar opposite. We usually avoid political discussions at all costs, and when they do come up, my other sister and I feel like we're watching a tennis match. From the middle of the net. Seeing as how we're all part of a group of people that is all too often stereotyped and marginalized, we probably need to make sure we're not doing the same thing to others....

 

Don't worry about me Choirboy. I would never survive in your family. The only way I managed to stay married to a republican is by refusing to ever let him drag me into a political discussion. Funny thing is, I'm a text-book introvert and there is nothing I hate more than confrontation. Even if I'm merely a witness to it. When my dad & husband would get into heated political debates I would BEG them to stop. As much as they both loved their exchanges, witnessing them would eat me up inside.

I'm way more passive-agressive. I just tend to share articles and let anyone who is interested read them and form their own opinions. When the debates start in my comment threads, I just let my friends duke it out and try to play peacekeeper if anyone gets ugly. So no need to worry about me. My earlier comments were in nothing but fun. Honestly, in politics, as in every personal decision in life - to the core of my soul - I truly embrace the theory of 'to each her own' and just hope everyone else will grant me the same respect. Whatever makes you happy. :icon_bigg Peace.