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Confused in late 30's

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Aqueon123, Aug 26, 2013.

  1. Aqueon123

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    NYC!
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm new to this and I am really confused. I will start from the beginning. From childhood I always felt weird and had attraction to guys. I crushed on guys, and fantasied about them, pleasured myself to them (6 years old), etc. Growing up it's been the same, when I was 12 I remember pleasuring myself to a picture of a man I knew- about his lower area, and this was in puberty. I have had intimate relations with both women and men, and I'm not sure what to do. I connect more on a friendship level with a woman and that's how I have a lot of friends that are girls. I never did guy things, when my guy friends were out playing whiffle ball I was in house playing house with the girls, I rather watch soaps then any sports etc. I kind of just got out of a 2 year relationship with an abusive woman and the issue of no sex was a big problem. I did have pleasurable sex with her many times, and enjoyed but not enjoyed giving her oral sex. She was very mean to me put me down, hit me, cursed me, and was just mean 90% of time, plus I was her boss. My past ex fiancee was 50/50, and sex performance issues with me were a problem. She ended up cheating on me and getting married to one of our friends and we stop speaking after 10 year friendship. First serious girl used to tell me she wants sex, I really didn't want to. Have I found the wrong girls, sex was always a problem in my relationships. I had performance issues and experiences with men were once with a friend, I really didn't enjoy it but it was interesting and once i picked up a stripper at a gay club. Didn't like it (drunk as well). I think sex with a woman is better but with all my attractions to men and my failed relationships I begin to wonder. Have I found the girl out there for me or am I just gay.

    Any advice that you can give will be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you for reading.
     
  2. nydtc

    Full Member

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    Welcome to EC! I am not sure your love of soaps over whiffle ball is enough to go. See I loved whiffle ball and soaps ( not all of them) and I am a gay as Christmas! But it has taken me years to understand myself and really love the reflection in the mirror. It wasn't an easy road. I drank too much, spent too much money and ate way too much to avoid dealing with my sexuality. But that's me - what about you.
    It seems like while you like the company of women you are turned on my men and women?
    Perhaps you are bi? Maybe you would try sex with a man while sober to see how it feels and be honest with yourself and your feelings.
    Thoughts?

    ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2013 at 02:07 PM ----------

    Welcome to EC! I am not sure your love of soaps over whiffle ball is enough to go. See I loved whiffle ball and soaps ( not all of them) and I am a gay as Christmas! But it has taken me years to understand myself and really love the reflection in the mirror. It wasn't an easy road. I drank too much, spent too much money and ate way too much to avoid dealing with my sexuality. But that's me - what about you.
    It seems like while you like the company of women you are turned on my men and women?
    Perhaps you are bi? Maybe you would try sex with a man while sober to see how it feels and be honest with yourself and your feelings.
    Thoughts?
     
  3. Lexington

    Full Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    The main thing that strikes me about your post is how many side issues there are. Usually, when I see a first post giving a quick outline of past dating/sexual history, it reads "I had sex with guys, and I guess it was OK" or "I did have one great night with a woman once, but..." Here, there's physical abuse and power plays and drunken one-night plays and boss/employee relationships and everything else, so it's really tough to unravel what might be underneath it all. The only encounter that seems pretty straightforward without much "drama" attached to it is the "interesting" encounter with a friend....although you seem rather non-committal about that one.

    So a couple questions.

    1. Would you say these relationships are somewhat indicative of your interpersonal relationships as a whole? Do you tend to have a lot of drama and strife and arguments and making-up in your platonic friendships?

    2. What kind of relationship appeals to you? Forget about the gender of the participant for the time being - what would an ideal one-on-one, sexual-romantic relationship be like for you?

    3. When you watch porn or fantasize, what do you tend to gravitate towards?

    Lex