Oh oh, sometimes I get a good feeling...

I've been reading posts on this forum for a week or so now and registered yesterday. I am absolutely in awe of the genuine compassion, love, support and generosity that you offer each other. The internet usually makes me a bit fearful and disgusted of others, but I already feel safer so thank you in advance for already helping me.

I don't like lists and structure so if I you get a bit lost, the exits are up there^^^. Also I am completely honest and open with everyone but myself so I should be able to answer most questions.

I'm not sure where I belong on the spectrum of absolutes but I'm definitely not a full-on hetero male and over the past few months Ive been noticing that girls that were once attractive are just pretty to look at but not desirable. Which has made being in the 2nd year of a straight marriage weird and more of just routine feeling.

I've tried to be as "normal" of a "straight dude" as possible for a long time and it has really screwed up my life and also relationships both romantically, and on a friends/family level. I've never been kissed or in love, let alone a relationship with a man, but that is in part because I never really gave myself a chance. I don't think I've been single longer than two months since the age of 11 and yes I see how absurd that is...now that I stepped back and started to reflect. Add in religious homophobic father, small town racist and sexist environment where the neighbors were lets-be-friends and a mom that told me christopher lowell had a wife so my dad wouldn't act like a total.. you get the idea. My life has been a totally misunderstood skewed version of what it should have been.

When I'm safe and around people that put me at ease, most people assume I'm gay. I've been asked since high school by random people and in every part of my life since. Im a tall lean and pretty good looking guy that looks a lot younger than 30 with lots a quirks, mannerisms and a fun soft spoken way about me - again when I'm not guarded and not a scared walled version of myself.

So I'm totally closeted, no close by gay friends or friendly people, trapped in an unhealthy marriage not-so-straight kind of guy trying to navigate my way out of a disaster of a life I've created.

Ps typing on a phone sucks.

A

 

I had attempted to edit my post an add some more pertinent information but it didn't send properly from my phone. And to truncate what it said basically I've had situations where I've put myself into them as well as been put in that I could have acted on feelings but didn't fully have them at the time. I went on a platonic day with a gay man who was about 12 years older than me at the time with his sister and he later revealed that his intentions weren't just to be friends I also had a friend in high school who dislikes: very much his friend who is my girlfriend at the time because I was dating her and I didn't know until later. But I always thought he was very cool and love his personality I just wasn't sexually attracted to him.

it wasn't until recently I realized that when I call worker at a store that I am a vendor for asked me if I was a friend of Dorothy and I didn't know it man honestly but figured it out within in an instant that I started to question more and more.now I am hopefully going to be able to talk to him and let him know where I am in my life and be honest with him without burdening him and I don't want to lose him as a friend and at the same time I don't really think it's fair 2 unload this weights on someone that you do care about.
This voice texting is rough.

I don't know if I need a proper therapist because I don't feel afraid anymore to say what I think about myself and it's just a matter of finding the right words and timing to let things unfold properly without causing more harm because I have a tendency to be blunt and I need to wear kid gloves to notfurther damage peoples own feelings ideas etc of our relationships and what it will mean.

all support and advice is welcome and I'm glad that there are so many people in a similar position even if it sucks at the beginning I know that these realizations come at a price and hopefully when the smoke Saddles and I'm totally honest with myself and others about myself I can feel at ease and love myself rather than being who others need me to be or want me to be.

some of this will be very complicated because I work with friends and family of my wife and I can see many things going totally sideways but I'm sure it'll be worse in my head that will ever be in person and if it does suck in person more than is necessary for a healthy work environment I can find another job and distance myself from negative people and emotions towards me.