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Feel like I'm shattering

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dragonbait, Aug 28, 2013.

  1. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    I've been trying to hold it together. There's just so much sh*t gong on and it's piling up, but a so much of it is what I've wanted and longed for - for so very long. And it's happening, and I still want it, but the timing just sucks. So much, all at once, new job about to culminate in the fruition of the biggest annual project I was hired to handle, eldest child preparing to leave for college, youngest child starting HS, preparing to notify the kids mom and dad are divorcing, oh and by the way, hello! The reason you could never be happy with that man no matter how hard you both tried for decades? You joined the wrong damn team in the first place.

    It's been building and building and building, and then tonight, when my 6'2" son decided to give me a nuggie when I tried to give him a hug, it all just fell apart. I lost it. In a most spectacular and uncharacteristic display. Right there, in front of them all, the 14 yo, the 18 yo and his girlfriend, the soon-to-be-ex. And as I stood outside myself watching it happen, I just knew I had to remove myself to privacy because it wouldn't be coming back together anytime soon.

    Now I'm alone, and it won't stop. Holding my breath so they won't hear me sobbing, but can't hold the tears. I'm completely and totally shattered.
     
  2. Choirboy

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    Major hugs, kiddo....I've been feeling frustrated because of the holding pattern I've been in (trying to figure out how to come out to a wife who I am rarely if ever alone with, is never home, and has wildly unpredictable reactions to EVERYTING), but I'll take frustration over the hammer hitting the thumb over and over again. Hope you can find an excuse to get away, even just to get in your car and head to the store for milk or something, so you can have some time alone to just scream. We all need it some days. Take care.

    (See, Republicans DO have hearts! Hoping for at least a tiny little smile there...?)
     
  3. greatwhale

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    I feel for you, I really do. Christ what a mess we get into sometimes!

    I don't know how I keep it together either...but I do, I guess in part because I've lived long enough to notice that nothing stays the same for very long, so as Churchill (whom I quote often) once said: "if you're going through hell, just keep going"

    Hang tight! Your future is counting on you!
     
  4. arturoenrico

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    I definitely understand the feeling of shattering. My situation is so similar to yours. I have been crying a lot lately, mostly privately. But, when I told my 17 year old son couple of weeks ago that I would be leaving, I got so emotional, I couldn't speak at all. Afterwards my wife bawled me out for being so emotional. It is so very hard to do this and I hope, DragonB, that you have support. I'm trying my best to get it. Right now, the only thing I really care about is maintaining the strongest relationships possible with both my kids, without my wife interfering.
     
  5. Californiacoast

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    Bear hugs! I can feel your pain coming through loud and clear, girl. Uggggh, wish I could do or say something to help, but that's where us guys mess up... Trying to fix things. Well, straight guys anyway. It just sounds way too crowded in that house right now. Any chance you can get away for a weekend to clear your head? Hit tha beach? Visit a friend? Come up with a gameplan away from the insanity?
     
  6. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    Thanks guys. It was a rough night and I am dreading the day ahead and the next and the next. Saturday is looming like - gah, I don't know what. Can't even think of a proper analogy. My brain doesn't function so well without sleep. Work should be fun, another chance to really wow them with my brilliance in the 11th hour. Crap.

    Anyway, at least I've got the promise of an appointment with my therapist tomorrow to cling to, that should get me thru today at least. The responses from all of you help incredibly too. I'm not alone, I will survive this and if all of you are any indication, I should some day regain my sanity. Right?

    p.s. Choirboy? Yes. That got more than a little smile, it actually produced quite the watery snotty snort. Thank you for that.
     
  7. BiDad3

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    (*hug*) thinking of you Dragonbait and sending you positive thoughts from the Southern tip of Africa.
     
  8. Runnerrunner

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    Hey Dragonbait,

    All I can say is "day-by-day." This crap is horrible but you've all given me hope, so I offer it right back to you. I send my love, compassion and understanding. Hang in there.

    I find myself, often at my desk, staring abjectly at nothing for undefined periods of time. Sooner or later I snap out of it and get back to work. It's a frequent cycle that I've just accepted as my work pattern now. So, my point is that you can still be productive with intermittent comatose periods strewn about your day.

    See it just happened again. Shit, now I'm late.
     
  9. OneSpirit

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    Dragonbait,
    Hi. I am right there with you. Just came out to my husband earlier this year and am in the process of divorcing - but still living in the same house. None of the kids who live at home know about the divorce or about the "why" of it yet. They do, I'm sure, know something is up- Mom bawling almost daily, the non-functional way soon to be ex and I are living...
    (Frozen pizza dinners, too much screen time for the kids).

    I am holding on to "it gets better" like a lifeline these days, and hoping it is true.
    I never dreamt I would be HERE at 38, and yet here I am. Sometimes I can laugh at how wild life is, and sometimes it feels SO not funny.
    Anyway, didn't mean to babble on, just wanted to let you know you are most certainly not alone in this. There is such a beautiful, freeing, amazing side to this too---hoping you can feel that today.
    And YES, get out of the house! Even if it's just to run to the store, even if you just step outside for 5 minutes. Every little bit helps.
     
  10. jae

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    Dragonbait,

    This too shall pass ( I hate regurgitating cliche sayings) but in this case it does apply. although it may seem that your entire world is collapsing around you, just remember all things will continue to fall into place as they should. Your kids will attend their respective schools, you will complete the project at work and all things regarding your pending divorce will have its time to sort its self out.

    but for now focus on you and your well being. Cut yourself some slack and tackle one thing at a time. allow yourself to cry it out maybe even punch a wall, and remember when it's all over, your kids will always love you. So look forward to the day when all these things are behind you and you find yourself in your living room with your son as he is giving you a nuggie..

    Be well Dragonbait
     
  11. Jim1454

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    My heart goes out to you, because I can remember those days when I didn't think I'd make it through either. The future seemed uncertain at best, hopeless at worst. I would go to my couselling appointments and cry for the whole hour at just about everything we talked about!

    Where I'm at now compared to then is nothing short of miraculous. Really. So I'm a firm believer in "it gets better" because I'm living proof. You've got a good head on your shoulders - you're clearly bright and articulate and self aware. You'll get through this.

    And I have to say that the warmth and support from the other members here just about brings me to tears. With so much horrible stuff going on in the world, you tend to forget how good and caring most people can be. Thank you everyone for being here and helping each other. You're awesome!
     
  12. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    I have to disagree - at least a little. It actually DOES bring me to tears, but I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one reacting in such a way. At first I thought that was just one more sign of how raw I am at this point.

    But Jim is absolutely dead right on the fact that you all are absolutely, incredibly, overwhelmingly awesome!

    Thank you, all of you. The resounding echo in my head all day has been "Life sucks!" but logging back on and seeing all this support reminded me that as much as this moment in my life may suck, there have been and will continue to be plenty more that are pretty damn good. I just need to have faith that I will survive this and hopefully my life will be better for it in the long run.

    One day at a time.

    ---------- Post added 29th Aug 2013 at 03:34 PM ----------

    p.s. Sorry I made you late Runner!
     
  13. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    And so the pendulum swings. Funny, this morning when I wrote that I would look forward to my appt with the therapist tomorrow to get me through today, I almost wrote that I had an appt at my hairdresser today and therapist tomorrow, so I would cling to those to get me through the day. Then I decided not to write about the hairdresser because it just sounded so superficial, and I am really so not like that. But she pours me wine and massages my scalp and oh, I've also been nursing just the teeniest little crush on her since like February, so what's not to look forward to, even for the least superficial of people?

    Well. I race kind of frantically into her salon, cause I've kind of been all over the place and a bit of a disaster today (no, don't act so surprised) she pours me that first glass and I just start to spill - my guts, not the wine. All about the divorce, the telling of the kids, and the freaking mess at work. So she tries to distract me, cause I'm apparently pretty high strung, and she starts talking about Miley Cyrus of all things. Then she tells me she and her boyfriend decided that Miley is about to come out as a lesbian. GASP!

    So then I tell her that I'm pretty much there myself (yes! I just came out to my hairdresser - the very first person I've actually spoken the words out loud to) and she responds that what she's never bothered to tell me before is that she's bi and always suspected that she can't stay in a marriage (she's twice divorced) because it's her destiny to end up with a woman. :eek:

    Not like anything will ever happen with her. She's totally not my type, but she has beautiful eyes and is very exotic to me in a bit of a bad-girl sort of way. Lots of tats & piercings (which I do like), but with a Betty Page style and a Marilyn Monroe body (neither of which really do it for me). Yeah. Gorgeous, just not what floats my boat. Anyway.

    I just can't believe it. The first person I come out to comes out right back at me. Am I just that sleep deprived, or is that really as incredible as it's seeming to me at the moment? (Guess not nearly as amazing as when it happens between spouses, as I've read in a few personal stories here, but still...)

    Wow. I think I need that appointment w/Dr. Amy tomorrow more than ever! Please Goddess of the Vine, bring me some sleep tonight!
     
    #13 Dragonbait, Aug 29, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 29, 2013
  14. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    GAH! I've been planning and preparing for this day all week, the day we're going to tell our kids we're getting divorced. I've been so stressed and strung out with this looming over my head since Monday , tried to talk the husband into doing it yesterday after school, but no.

    So we're waiting for the 18 yo to wake up so we can pull them together to talk, and suddenly he's in the kitchen, dressed up and packing food. His boss called and woke him up to come into work to cover someone else's shift. :tantrum: :***:

    This is going to be the longest day of my life. :help:
     
  15. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time of it, Dragonbait. Wishing all the best for you today. It will get easier - think of it as the storm before the calm.
     
  16. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    Oh, how I hope that you are right, Purplefrog, cause it's raging inside me right now, can't imagine what I'll do if it gets worse. The waiting is killing me.
     
  17. greatwhale

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    We're thinking of you, hang tight!
     
  18. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    Well. It's done. To date, the second hardest thing I've ever had to do - right there behind holding my father as he died. In a sense not all that different. Holding my kids as they processed the fact that their parents' marriage had died.

    I feel like I may vomit.
     
  19. drs

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    Congratulations. I (we) haven't told our kids yet. I'm not too worried about my son's reaction. He's 20, almost 21, and needs to figure out what he's doing with his life anyway. Our 12 (almost 13) year old daughter will be a completely different story. She's going to take it pretty hard.
     
  20. greatwhale

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    Here it is, Dragonbait! Here is the beginning of something so important: becoming who you are!

    I know the feeling, this loss, it's letting go that's hard, but no one possesses anyone, and ultimately, knowing that possession is not what relationships are about, I think, makes letting go a little easier.

    My thoughts are with you!