About to explode and need to vent.

Hey,

First of all, let me say how awesome it is that your username on a LGBT forum is "redneck".

I can't really offer advice, but here is definitely a safe space to talk.

 

Hi redneck, and welcome to EC!

Your life is complicated but interesting, we're here to listen and offer advice as best we can, I hope you find a safe haven here!

 

I live in the South. If you are at risk of losing your job, why out yourself at work? It would seem more important to form a life and community outside of work where you can be yourself - a support system since your family sounds like they won't be supportive at first, at least, though they may come around in time.

 

Wow, that is one awfully thick accent.

 

Hi Redneck, and welcome to EC.

As frustrating as it is, you're probably doing what you need to do right now. Fly below the radar at work and at home. Practicalities of like like having a place to live and food to eat necessitate what you're doing. But know that you won't need to do it forever.

Hopefully you'll find some comfort in at least sharing your story and your frustrations here. You'll likely also find that despite feeling somewhat trapped where you are, you can still offer others guidance, advice, and hope where they don't have any. I joined for support and quickly found myself doling out more than I was taking - and 6 years later I'm still at it.

I was also married and have 2 daughters. Thankfully though I'm in a place where it's OK to be open - and I am. But feel free to write to me if you want to connect - or just keep posting in the forum.

Welcome!

 

I agree. The job part is important. You're not being dishonest if your sexuality is a moot or irrelevant point in the workplace, especially if the area or its workplaces can be hostile. Furthermore, if you're not in a relationship or have a significant other, it's less important because you're really not being blocked from bringing them to a function or introducing them to coworkers. Definitely build a life and a support system outside of work, such as friends and then work on your family.

I've been to the South several times on vacation, such as at the beach. I was talking to this guy who had a somewhat clerical processor kind of job that had been relocated from the North. He was a sturdy looking, sandy haired guy in his late 30s or early 40s who might have been a football player in his youth. He said that he was often the recipient of snide remarks from the women in his primarily paperwork office workplace, where he sort of just did his job and kept his personal life separate, most likely because he wasn't putting the moves on them and they probably got suspicious.

 

Hey Redneck, my best advice to you would be to set some hard and fast goals. Make them reasonable, attainable, but agressive enough to keep you motivated. Set a financial goal - saving enough to become self-sufficient again, professional - reach a point with some level of job security so you have one less stressor on you back, social - find that outlet beyond the workplace and your parents' home that will keep you going in the interim, and familial - reaching a point where you can take back custody of your daughter, come out to your parents or even just cut the strings - whatever may be your personal goal. I'm not trying to tell you what those should be, just trying to provide some possible examples.

They can be staggered. They should be staggered. No way you can expect to pull it all together all at once. One step at a time, right?

After 20 years in an awful marriage, the last 10 of which had an expiration date on them (that I clung to desperately!), I can tell you that the human mind is an incredible thing. It's amazing what it can tolerate as long as it knows that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and can perceive some consistent forward motion toward that light. (Now, I realize you're a southern boy, but don't expect NASCAR speeds.) Use your goals like a homing beacon any time you begin to feel lost. Chart your progress along the way.

It won't be easy, sorry, life in general is not easy, but you know that already. But taken bit by bit, it is doable and it will get you where you want/need to be, and I can pretty much guarantee, once you get there it will be all the sweeter for what you've endured to achieve it. I've ridden some rough roads in my life, some I wasn't certain I'd physically survive, but every single one made me a better person and coming out the other side, I could always recognize what I'd gained from the experience.

Good luck, I'll keep an eye out for you here and I'll be hoping for the best for you. Spent some time in the Deep South myself (about 3 years) and I have a small inkling what you're dealing with - dig deep and find your strength. Get on your feet, then reclaim your life. You can do it!

 

Redneck, I come from your neck of the woods, Mississippi. I really identify with your situation. I grew up playing football, deer hunting, fishing, hanging out with the redneck boys and going home with one of the Tailbacks on our football team. I knew I was attracted to guy, but dated girls to cover up my gayness.

I agree with Dragonbait. Keeping roof over head and a job for a bit might be prudent. You might check into the Campaign for Southern Equality as an outlet while you wait for things to improve. I am a member. Unfortunately most southern states have no protection if you are LGBT for employer descrimination or housing descrimination. That's why I live in California. It pissed me off too! Makes me want to come down to the Mississippi and Arkansas legislatures and wring some necks!

But hang in there! We are here for you. Message me if you want. I have good friends in Mississippi that are gay and have built a life there. BTW, I really miss fried catfish, hush puppies, fried green tomatoes, butter beans, black eyed peas with fat back, corn bread, sweet tea, and naner puddin! Just sayin.

 

Redneck - honestly, I wasn't trying to tell you what your goals should be - only you can decide that, you need to do what is best for you, and for your peace of mind that includes what is best for your daughter. You have no need to explain or justify ANY of your goals to anyone other than yourself and those personally involved in helping you achieve them - and even then they only need to know as much or as little is necessary and relevant to their role.

I was just using a few examples based on what you'd shared, things that would be measurable, so that when you started feeling like you were going to explode you could take a step back and take inventory on where you are in relation to where you want to be and assure yourself that you are in fact getting there and your current situation would not last forever.

But it sounds like I was offering redundant advice. You're already well on your way! Now just remind yourself of that every time you cringe at being back in your old bedroom at your parents' house. This is not forever, it's just for the moment, and you can deal with that, right?

Again, I know it's not easy. I'm playing my own waiting game, but I've got my own list and I'm doing everything I can to continue making progress, and every time I can check one more thing off that list I do a little (!) happy dance inside because I know I am one step closer to where I really really want to be.

Good luck - it'll be worth it in the long run, as you can tell by the evidence of those great folks here who have been through their own sh*t and come out the other side happier for it, and now are kind enough to encourage people like you and me that we can do it too.

 

If there is an over-riding thought, it would be:

You aren't the first, and you won't be the last...

...regarding coming out and when and where and how to do it. Hopefully it is something that we do consciously rather than have it happen inadvertently or purposefully by someone wishing to embarrass us. So, the important thing is to come out on our own terms.

Bacause there is a lot of personal "stuff" involved, it's difficult to make suggestions. So, I'll say 2 things:

1. For the people you come in contact with, you have to consider their reactions and possible consequences. If it looks like there are too many possible negatives, or the significant people in your life could be negative, perhaps the timing isn't right. When revisiting at some point in the future you may find that opinions have shifted or at least softened. We also can't assume that if you tell one person and swear them to secrecy that things will go as you expect. Humans are fallible. We usually mean well, but that may not be what happens. Further, no one has figured out how to unring a bell.
2. Taking care of yourself is of primary importance. Whatever you do that makes you feel good, or causes you to reflect on the good things in your life, Do That. Life is about balance and often you have to make a conscious effort to regain that balance. I could tell you what does it for me, but more than likely it would would be different for you. Whatever it is, Find It.

Hang in there...

 

Hey Redneck

It's good to vent; it helps to clear a path of thought in the mind and clear the rage to see what the big picture is. I don't live in the South but I have a similar situation where I do live. It's hard at times to realise that you are semi back in the closet because other things could be jeopardised - survival things.

And whilst being able to be yourself is also a matter of survival, you yourself understand that you have to get some other things in place before you can have that peace of mind to be yourself. It is tough coming to terms with that but it also drives you to reach those goals.

Good luck, and keep venting - it will keep you sane.

 

You sound a bit like me man lol. Granted I've never lived out on my own yet, just in my early 20's and haven't had the best of luck so far, or really been out to too many people. Hell I only just had my first halfassed date(was cut short and we just talked a bit, might not count as a date at all lol) a couple weeks ago. It was enough for me to know what I'm missing out on holding up my front. I can't come out until I have my own place though, my brother knows and he even insisted I wait, my dad won't take it well at all. So I'm saving up now, long drive to work for not great wage, just got fulltime there. I doubt I would have much trouble being out there, I just don't want to. It's still a temporary place for me.

I grew up in a pretty rural place too, love trucks, fishing, quads, etc. Never want to leave the country behind, but I know there's more accepting areas than where I am, so my plan is to just move. Don't really have much advice or anything. You already know what you have to do though and your working towards it. Just keep your head up and know your not alone. You'll get to where you want to be.

 

Make a serious plan to move out.

Get a job that pays better than crap wages so you can afford to rent a room somewhere else.

It seems all your problems are financial, so it would be best to focus on that.

It would be far too stressful for you to deal with your problems without having a steady job.

I know what it is like to feel like you could be homeless next week, I used to not get a long with my parents so well because I am gay. Even though they are cool with it, and have been kicked out before(I slept in my highschool shop class cars for about 2 weeks in grade 12). Being homeless is not fun.

Really stop focusing on the gay thing and focus on the getting out of there thing. That is the one thing that will make you feel better, and if you can't fix your gay problem while at home with your dad, then you neeed to try to fix your financial problem.

If you are somewhat financially secure there will be less stress to tell your father.