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Reconnecting with people - adults can play games, too

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tightrope, Aug 29, 2013.

  1. Tightrope

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    I'm putting this here because I'm talking about adults.

    My best friend from college is a divorced guy who never had kids. I last saw him 5 years ago. He lives in another city. For the most part, we've never had problems of any kind. The last time I saw him, I was sent to his area for work, had an incredibly stressful work situation with an adversarial consultant in 12 hour work days on Thursday and Friday, so I wanted to spend Saturday and Sunday around his place without much planned, just getting caught up and going out to eat. He wanted to invite over a friend who is a straight pervert (tmi unnecessary) and I told him I wanted to chill, and not to have that guy come over. He then went on to criticize my situation at work. That was the wrong button to push. He has always had 40 hour a week corporate jobs where it's almost like punching the clock for 8 hours. I sort of isolated myself after that, including from him, as I went into a pretty bad and prolonged depression. It has gotten better.

    I'm not mad at him. I just needed distance from a lot of people in my life, except for immediate family and the friends who have had similar struggles and would be the most understanding. I recently e-mailed him and asked him if this was still his e-mail. He curtly responded in the affirmative. I then e-mailed him again and told him that a lot of things had changed, gave him a new phone number, and asked him how things were going with him, his parents and siblings, and all else. I didn't hear from him. I think he's pissed that I just dropped off the face of the earth and then resurfaced.

    I'm planning on taking a trip in the near term future. I'm going to be in his area. I'd like to see him and hang out. Again, this is a friend from the first year of college. Would you just let it go or would you make additional attempts to contact him?
     
  2. biAnnika

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    I have had some similar issues in my life...and having one now in fact.

    What I've learned is that you cannot know and cannot guess what other peoples' issues are. It could be that he's pissed about your last conversation...it is also possible that he has things going on and can't deal with you right now.

    You have reached out, and that's great. I would take some time to figure out just how much it means to you to re-establish contact at this time. If you find you can give him some space and let him reply in his own time, do that; if you find that this is eating at you and you really need at least a little closure on it (this is *so* my issue), then I would e-mail him and explain that need, let him know you're open to discussing that last incident if that is an issue, and if it's not, you're willing to give him space, but would really appreciate hearing that he needs space.

    In either case, I also think it's fair game to say, "oh, btw, I'm going to be in your area from ____ to _____, and if it's possible, I'd love to see you."

    Good luck whatever you decide to do!
     
  3. Tightrope

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    Thank you. I'm a little bit (understatement) of a scheduler. I was going to be in his area and wanted to see him, but I can wait for another time, or he can come see me ... which he's never done ... I've always gone to see him, and he's a good host. I have other friends I will be seeing. His divorce was amicable and he was doing well, but it's also been 5 years. A lot can change. Things have changed for me.

    I might hold off. My e-mail was cordial. I think I did my job, so to speak.
     
  4. HopeFloats

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    I'd let him know you were going to be in the area. I might not respond with much substance to an email like that but I would respond if an old friend was coming to my city.
     
  5. Tightrope

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    Thank you, HopeFloats. Your timing is interesting. I just went through this with a cousin on the phone who knows my friend and the length of the friendship. My cousin said that I reached out with the first e-mail and a second e-mail saying that there had been a lot of changes, provided a new phone number, and even asked how things were going. My cousin said that a 3 word response of "Yes it is" to my first e-mail asking if this was still his e-mail was ambivalent and conveyed a message of either indifference and even still being pissed.

    I've decided that, since this vacation will be a whirlwind trip to see various friends, I'm not going to squeeze in his city and spend more quality time with other friends I plan on seeing and with whom I know I'm on good standing. I'm not going to go with a 3rd e-mail. He can e-mail, call me, or I might make another outbound attempt at another point in time. We might have to get caught up by phone. And if the friendship is gone, by his criteria, then it's gone.
     
  6. Tightrope

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    This was a wise choice, in retrospect. I was able to spend more time with friends who made the trip great without negativity or head trips. When you have a long history with people, there's a lot to laugh about. The only problem is that sleeping on couches or inflatable mattresses isn't the most comfortable thing while vacationing. I shouldn't complain. The hospitality, fun, and memories more than made up for the minor discomfort!
     
  7. greatwhale

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    Hey Tightrope!

    Glad to "see" you back! Sounds like you had a good time!

    Well, I'm now over 3000 posts...I didn't know I had that much to say...